Sorry this is so long. It is also insane. Please be kind.

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Relationship status and length of time: I have been with my husband for over a decade.

Problem: A few years back, I experienced extreme hypergamy after my husband proposed that I (for the most part) controlled. We were high school sweethearts and I never dated anyone but him. But, I felt like maybe I should explore other people. I was brave and I told my fiancée the truth about these feelings. He said we would work through it.

I was spending time at a male friend's place who I hadn't seen in a long time when things took a turn. We grew up together, but he moved away a few years back. While I was at his place, he began being physically forceful with me (by this I mean aggressive but non-sexual) I am very interested in kink and I had communicated this to him previously, so I found this extremely compelling. I fell for him right then and there. He had been a good friend for years. When he came on to me I entertained it because I thought we may have sincerely had a connection because of our long history. We grew up in the same neighbourhood. Our personalities are very similar and I thought maybe I shouldn't settle down without exploring this connection since I never dated anyone but my husband in my life. I thought this friend was a safe option because I had known him so long. Despite his recent lifestyle changes, I have overall known him to be a reliable guy the past decade of my life.

My friend and I talked daily during my engagement. He also felt me up once over the clothes. And we kissed on the neck/cheek regularly. It was an illicit, but mainly emotional connection. I wouldn't call it an affair because my husband knew all of the details and understood I felt I needed to explore it and because it never escalated physically.

What I did to handle the problem: I told my husband everything. He had access to all of my online messages at all times. He knew where I was at all times.

I also always refused to take off any of my clothes or even kiss my friend on the lips despite having strong feelings because I loved my husband. When my friend kept pushing for sex, I cut off our conversations and married my husband. I wanted to explore the connection with my friend in a non-physical way so as to preserve my LTR. Otherwise, I wasn't interested.

A few months into my marriage, my friend contacted me and I agreed to meet him for drinks. It was an emotional experience in which he told me to come live with him and promised we would be together for 20 years. He was all over my physically. He was even somewhat forceful, slamming me against the wall in an alleyway and removing his pants. I had to explain to him that I meant everything I said, but that this just wasn't going to happen right now because it made zero sense since I was married and he and I had barely been speaking. Thankfully, he put his clothes back on at my insistence. We cuddled and necked instead in the back of my car.

Plot twist: I found his wallet in the back seat of my car when I got home. There was a stack of cash inside. The next week, he started sending me videos of himself having sex with other women. He started asking me if I would help him select women for his videos. He said I could pick any woman I wanted and he would film her. He then asked me to be in his videos. He then sent me a picture of a stack of boxes of chocolate in his room saying "I'll give you chocolate". I found this extremely disturbing. I felt insane accusing him of trying to traffic me sexually, but I couldn't deny the red flags. So I said "In a best case scenario, you haven't thought things through and are really bad at relationships. In a worst case scenario, I am concerned for my safety. I'm sorry to stop talking to you, but I need space for now."

After months of no contact, he contacted me again. I told him if he wants to have coffee we can in a public place, but that I don't want to see him alone at night. He said he was only interested in meeting me alone at night.

Needless to say, I feel depressed. I have been abused in the past and it is rare that I trust anyone. It is extremely discouraging that a person I had been friends with so long would treat me this way. In many ways, I am proud that I was brave enough to explore the connection with my friend and that I did it without sleeping with him or lying to my husband. But, I obviously messed up somewhere.

My husband is completely understanding and forgiving because I chose to be 100% honest about this entire thing, even though doing so caused a lot of self-loathing because I had to look him in the face while I did it. I was also clear that I loved my husband the entire time. I never said otherwise to him or my friend. I never once blamed him, downplayed my bad actions or kept anything from him.

But, I feel terrible. I don't ever want to be in this situation again. How can I rebuild my self-esteem? How can I show my husband how much I appreciate his understanding? How can I ever really apologize to him enough for needing this?

Thank you in advance for your responses. I have had no one to talk to about this because my friends have universally been cruel throughout this situation.

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Please be gentle.

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Note: my husband and I are both 26. The other man is 24.