Hello. :) I’ve been following this subreddit for a while but I’m just now deciding to post from a different account (haven’t posted before).

I feel like my situation is a bit of a cliche but I also feel like I have it kind of worse than others who have been here. I was involved with a man physically and emotionally but we were never in a relationship. He was incredibly attractive (both back then and to this day he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever seen in my life-plenty of other women agree). He was actually the first person I ever felt sexual attraction towards- I thought I was asexual before I met him. Every feature of his was perfect- it’s like he didn’t have a flaw on his body (and if he did, they were “cute” flaws).

That was just the physical part though. While he was perfect in that way, he was far from it in other ways. He was extremely damaged and had secrets that would probably make any other woman run for the hills. He opened up to me a lot and I did the same. We saw the other at both of our darkest/lowest. Still, there was no commitment. This may sound like a “cope” of sorts but while he obviously didn’t want to commit to one woman because he could get any he wanted, I didn’t even want his commitment because of how damaged he was. I knew he wasn’t for me and that it wouldn’t end well.

I haven’t quite been the same since things ended between us. A big part of this is because I still feel as though I “belong” to him in some messed up way. The asexuality that I felt before I met him has come back. He’s the last man I’ve been with sexually. Pretty soon, it’ll come time for marriage and children but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to shake him from my mind to open myself up to other men in that way. I want to find my captain and I know it isn’t him. Nor do I want it to be him because of all of his deep-rooted issues. It’s just hard to do when I’m still so very stuck on him. Any help and advice would be extremely appreciated.