I don't want this to become victim puking, I just need to vent somewhere. If it looks like victim puking then downvote away.

I'm 32 and was red pilled up until about 3 years ago. I went through a bad break up with an LTR, and I kind of went off the rails. Started fucking every girl in sight, doing hard drugs, hanging around with generally shitty or equally lost people, and had a nervous breakdown after it all became excessive.

Some of the people I thought were my friends, turned out to just be crabs in a bucket, twisting a knife in my back while I wasn't around. Became disrespectful to my face when I started showing signs of weakness due to increasing anxiety and then depression.

I started to isolate more and more, and to top it all off, I was temporarily seeing and living with a girl with some serious BPD. I had no where else to live at the time. I wanted to try and recover from the breakdown, but I knew it was gonna be tough considering the circumstances and I just became a shell of my former self. I let it happen because of fear and self loathing.

Moved out of that BPD girl's place, and thought I was doing fine at first but I ended up developing OCD, and I almost completely lost my sex drive. I was seriously depressed. One thing after the other, even when I tried to counter it. I began to really hate myself.

Now 3 years later, I'm still depressed, but quit the drugs and I'm no where near as bad as I was. I've been talking to girls again after cutting them off and not even entertaining the idea for so long. I started lifting again, coming out of my shell more as well. But there's still a huge void to fill.

Recently, I started getting oneitis for a girl I hadn't even met. I know how pathetic that is, and I tried everything I could to avoid it. I've been talking to other girls, but there was something about this girl that made me idealise her. I really wanted to meet her, and I knew she wanted that too. It was getting close, she was talking to me quite regularly, sending me nudes, and finger blasting herself for me, then I find out today that she's an alpha widow and still infatuated with her ex that she was apparently only with for a couple of weeks not long ago, and apparently he has a small dick as well(?). Blew my mind.

I'm fucking angry at myself, because i know better. I think I've just been missing real intimacy and affection for so long. I feel beta as fuck, especially compared to who I was before that break up 3 years ago. I've honestly contemplated suicide numerous times in these last 3 years, but I'd never actually do it because there's always something inside of me that says I can do better, and I can overcome anything. But after tonight, the whole picture has kind of come into scope - and I'm tired. I lost my cool with her a little bit and just blocked her on everything. I don't intend to talk to her ever again. I know it was butthurt, who gives a fuck. I'm honestly losing the will to do anything at this point. The Red Pill reality kicked my ass again.