My thoughts are constant anxiousness, suspicion and drama and, although I act normal 90% of the time, there are times when my emotions come to the surface, especially when I'm drunk. It just seems like I'm a naturally girly person or something and I hate it. When I'm drunk I'm either extremely angry, trying to get people to punch me and stuff or I get sad and become a whiny little bitch who shares his feelings. I just want to have a good time but there is constant conflict in my head.

Just to be clear, this problem won't be solved if I just stop drinking.

There are two voices in my head. The first one is very happy, doesn't judge anyone, and accepts myself fully. The other one is the depressed and cynical one that says, "hey faggot no one cares about you, get over it or just kill yourself." I've been trying to make myself more narcissistic by training myself to look down on people by default, but its hard and I keep slipping up. For me, judgement is 100% learned.

Yes I fucking lift. I also meditate. I'm in college and pledging a fraternity so while it's true that I'm in a stressful time/place, this is a problem that goes back very far, and even if there are no problems my mind creates problems. I've come to the understanding that I sorta don't understand how to be happy, that my mind creates problems because it is used to (and more comfortable with) crisis compared to the everyday. It just seems that life is this endless cycle of self-inflicted drama and meaningless pain. I have such unhealthy thought patterns but I have no idea how or what I can do to change them.