First time poster, apologies if this post lacks any concise point, I'm just looking for somewhere to rant/ talk to people. TRP appeals to me as 'no bullshit' attitude which I lack thoroughly and have for a long time in my life.

So I've been lurking here for about a month, learned a lot. Looking back on many previous encounters and situations provides validation after validation of the red pill truths. But nothing new to most of you of course.

Currently I want to make up for the years I feel I lost in my youth. I'm only 19, but I feel I have a large sprint to run to catch up to the train of youthful carousing, which left the station a few years ago at this point. To be honest, in retrospect I have no idea what I did in my years of high school while everyone else was out having a good time. Probably too much gaming.

Anyway I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for the last 4 years. Although it is certainly already an underlying issue, confidence and lack of success with women has exacerbated it. After high school, I was pretty much done with it all. So I left everything behind to fight in a war. My moral compass and ideology was all that was left of me at that point.

I spent a year in a strange country with the strangest of people. Fellow lost souls perhaps. But I worked hard, did everything that was asked of me and more. The hope that the frontlines would give me a perspective on life, changing to become more appreciative of what I have and just not giving a damn of what people think, and coming home with all that and also my limbs intact kept me going. Unfortunately it didn't really, my mind and scrupples are apparently too stubborn. After a year of the army and the shit I had seen, I thought I had finally achieved the change in myself that I had searched for. I had also gotten a place in college back home. I was looking forward to being the new 'badass' I had thought I had become, going home and to college and just living every moment of life.

Of course it didn't go that way, I had only run away from my problems. I was still the beta cuck I was before leaving to spread some lead, as paradoxical as it sounds. Came back and fell back into the depressive deportment as always.

I guess my point is, I don't know where to go from here. I've left college since as going out most nights only to find myself eventually getting drunk out of frustration and walking home alone wasn't doing any good. TRP says women shouldn't be the main focus but I feel it is really holding me back, emotionally and how I can characteristically call myself a man.

So now I'm sitting at home, in a small town where very little goes on. In the mean time I'm in the gym everyday, Project Mass seems to be going well for me. I just need to cut out the smoking and heavy drinking I seem to be partial to. I should be going to work in a few weeks after a training course I will do.

So, I guess, now what? How do I get out there and meet people, women, get laid, enjoy life and bury this belligerent of self esteem and identity that has stayed latched onto my back despite what I have done?