Hi there, I literally discovered this subreddit today, I downloaded hinge today and I have been using bumble for a couple of weeks now. I read through the masterlist of fds posts which was super helpful. I appreciate this community showing me what standards could be for men because I never really thought I was a "catch" and I have poor self esteem so I let myself get used. I was emotionally groomed as a 15 year old by a 20 year old in my workplace until just before I turned 18, which was super damaging for me. I finally understand what happened to me after a year of reflecting in these pandemic times. I have never kissed a boy or even been in a relationship with physical contact because of this trauma. On one of my bumble dates last year, I didn't even kiss him even though he asked and was really respectful and aware of consent.

My question for all of you girlbosses in FDS, as a young woman reentering the dating sphere with hinge and bumble, how do I communicate my needs without losing my self respect. In theory, I understand my value and I love many aspects of my personality, but my past traumas combined with my mental illness has made it very hard for me to connect with men emotionally. I've also noticed a pattern of many men/boys my age need a mother-like figure or an aesthetic/unrealistic girl (e-girl, gamer girl) that gives them sex but can also "bro out" or be cool with the boys. I deleted bumble last year because I felt so drained being a therapist to all of these men. How do I vet men (who are my age, I've set the filter for 18-20), in comfortable "Gen Z" speak without being seen as off-putting? And you might get mad at me for not setting higher standards but I do want a relationship, I'm sorry if that makes me needy but I feel very behind all of my peers. I'm not ugly, I'm medium attractive, I have a full time job, I have top marks, and I have a huge social circle of just women and 2 very close female friends that know everything about me and have stayed by my side since I was in middle school. Yet, despite my achievements, I feel empty (which is part of my mental illness which in due part is related to my self-esteem). I want someone to have fun with, I don't want to drag them down with me, I want a supportive male partner (I've never had close emotional connection with a man) but I feel like I am asking too much. Also as an Asian girl, I get fetishized and it's very easy for me to figure out on these apps if there will be a problem (if they have anime in their profile, if they are white stoners, and guys that listen to male radio rap artists etc).

TLDR: What is your advice for a young, traumatized woman who wants to experience life and date but is afraid to vet men in fear of being off putting? And if anyone is a teenage/young woman on this subreddit, what is your advice for specifically talking on these dating apps?