I've been keeping silent about it for a long time but I need help processing this so please hear me out. A few years back, a guy at work kept forcing himself on me. At that time, I was too shocked and scared to fight back and I didn't want to make a scene. He was also in management so I didn't want to lost my job. Then he would say things like 'oh you didn't like that'. So me, being stupid, would reciprocate small actions in hopes of reducing conflict. And I realized he would instigate these before we entered an area where there was cameras- to make me look like I forced myself onto him. What didn't help was having female coworkers who was told that I was dating him- the first time I ever heard that narrative. One female coworker kept pushing me into saying that I liked him, etc. I was a foreigner in the country and she was my roommate as well so I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Later on I found out that she had been stalking me for months and they were both mentally ill. I wake up everyday with chronic pain and beat myself up because I knew better but I stayed because I know that they were abused as kids but what I didn't know was that some people just grow up to be abusers. I also thought I was the problem for leaving people and places all the time. I really feel like I was raped, yet when I sought for help I was invalidated and told it was my fault because of the way I acted or dressed or I was looking for trouble. It's just been really hard coming out of this rut. Was I raped?