This pandemic has completely shattered my life. It changed how I see everything now. I had been believing that I was born to be God's chosen one, born to be great, that everything happens for a reason. It made me to feel like I was better than everyone, extreme self confidence, self centered, a perfectionist, people pleaser, attention seeker.

But.. I learned that all of these fantasies that I made up was actually my coping mechanism, a way for me to escape from the unbearable pain of childhood abuse. I was rejected, abandoned, being told worthless throughout my childhood, and this was the only way, the only way to feel special. A made up fantasy.

I had to. I had to do that. I have been living in an illusion for a long time, and this manifested to adulthood. I told myself I'm a king, I'm the prize, no one understands me because they're sheep.

It's time to let it go. I need to accept that everything that had happened to me was real and painful and without any meaningful reasons, if it hurts, it hurts. I have to accept that. I am an adult now. I have supports now. It's gonna be a long journey, but, I can do this.