I keep having this re-occurring theme in my life where I feel like I have to keep my mom happy. I've been reading through No More Mr Nice Guy. It's a great book I like it, I'm not the best at following it's guidelines/steps to letting things go.

My problem is I feel like I have to keep my mom happy or else she'll abandon me. It sounds crazy at age 21 to have abandonment issues but I do.

I'm afraid that if my mom finds out I smoke weed/anything bad about me then she'll stop taking me to doctors appointments and stuff of that nature.

I lived on my own for the first time right after highschool in 2014. It was amazing to say the least, well not really but it was. I was barely making enough money to eat (crackers were a staple food). I was paying $70 a month on rent for a room that was one step away from a crackhouse. It had nails coming out the floor, no carpet/anything really on the floor.

I was the master of my domain though, completely free. I didn't have my smothering mom on my ass, I didn't tell her where I was living. I never texted, I had to push her out.

She was smothering me and would never stop. I'm her little cancer survivor baby in her eyes.

I'm back in this fear mindset that if she finds out I smoke weed/do anything bad she'll just decide to stop taking me to appointments.

it affects everything in my life, hell I even went on a tinder date today and I felt like I was just having dinner with my mom in a weird way. A really weird way.

We were on like two totally different wavelengths.

I gotta find a way to get over this and I'll do anything to accomplish it. I know I gotta give less fucks but fuck...

If she stops taking me to doctor appointments I'm blind.