Remember that episode of "How I met your mother" when the glass breaks and you notice the annoying things other people do. Pretty Long

I posted a few days ago about how I fucked up my marriage by being emotionally detached for so long.

I decided to go to people that matter to me and I quickly learned that the issue with blaming myself isn't because of her. I blame myself because it's what I've always done. Every relationship when things started going wrong I ate shit from my s.o. and blamed myself for the issues. Than after a long time of being manipulated by that person I'd get fed up and leave.

I need a shrink. I have an issue where I want so much to not turn into my narcissistic father that every bad thing that happens in my relationship I automatically think I'm turning into him. Then,

I blame myself for the issues in the relationship.

I can be objective and say that I contributed. My lack of confrontation and holding things in to later turn into resentments don't help. I resent the other person than withhold emotions even further because of it. It is a narcissistic trait that I need to see someone for. But I did do so much for her.

I've always been emotionally detached. Since before her. She married into that. She had a kid with that. She bought a house with that. Very much how I married her baggage, bought a house with it, and had a kid with it. And I accepted it. Even after putting in the effort to change she's choosing to not accept me. Even after she was caught flirting with another guy. Even after I played mr. mom so she can be out with her friends. After a was the handyman to build the patio she wanted. A patio I built before during and after she was flirting with that other guy.

I showed my love by doing things which i know isnt always going to be enough always. But the last 6 months I tried to be what she wanted and for her its suddenly too late for it. I blamed myself for three days until I sat down with my sister and she made me realize I have value.

Does anyone know that episode of “How I met your mother” where they are realizing the annoying things the other person does and when they realize it there is a sound effect of a glass shattering. That was this moment for me with my sister.

I get it sisters can be subjective, but my sister (like most) has no issues calling me stupid for something stupid I do. Apparently, my wife burned bridges with a majority of my family. She made me realize the sacrifice I put in so my wife can live the way she does. So she can be out with her friends all the time. That I’m doing things that most of all men don’t do. I’m alone with my daughter at least 40 hours a week.

Now my wife is NA so don’t assume she’s just out running the streets. And she does work a lot of hours with 2 jobs. But the second job is because she has tremendous debt. I pick up the slack for her to work to pay that off. On top of that she needs to go to meetings and socialize. I don’t need to sacrifice my time for her to go do these things and most men wouldn’t. But I do.

She apparently is a tremendous one upper which is another glass shattering moment. Its true she needs attention constantly. Its why some of my extended family don’t like her apparently.

When it comes to my more immediate family. Its just the time I sacrifice to her and how easy she has it. And they see me taking this shit and of course hate to see it. Also there were a few lies she told my sister I never new about that I don’t feel like laying out. Nothing serious but seemed odd to my sister to lie about, which was a red flag.

Lastly, the main reason I think all this is going on between her and I, is that she fucking feeling herself. I’m an ass man, I’ll just say it. I like thick. Ive been with bigger girls, thin girls, whatever. She was bigger when we got together I never cared even though she did. She has body issues. Even now.

She got surgery to tighten her stomach. I forgot the name of it, forgive me. Shes lost a lot of weight and even though she does have body issues still, and won’t admit it, she’s feeling herself. I personally think shes wondering if the grass greener on the other side. I can do the whole childish thing and say she’ll never find someone better than me but I’m sure there are better men.

The reason I’m writing this though, is today is not one of those days. I feel like shit. So I guess I’m writing all this to myself to try and remind myself. She is making it clear through some dialogue we had over text that she is going to continue to blame me. She will never see how she contributed to the end of this. It both infuriates me and makes me feel devalued again.

There will be better days but today aint it chief.