Perhaps this can be a "count the red flags" competition.

Hey guys. I was 3 months out of a 2yo relationship with a 19yo, who had severe mental disorders (bipolar, borderline and dissociative). I was making a great mental recovery after all that trauma and said why not get my mind off of things and start meeting new people again. It couldn't hurt.

So I met this girl and asked her out (9th Jan). We hit it off in an instant. There was so much to talk about and we shared a lot of interests. But from the start I had some suspicions and here is how things went on the first date:

  • there was clearly something in her eyes I couldn't figure out

  • she told me something bad happened to her in the past. I said to myself "Please, not another one who was molested/raped.". I was right. My 2 previous exes were also raped and had serious problems, but this one said she resolved those traumas and openly talks about that event

  • told me she wants to be single cause she just got out of a 4yo relationship and doesn't want to hurt me, cause she sees I'm a great guy with everything to offer. Ok, I respected her honesty. What bothered me is that she said she wants to do sh*t now since she is single until Sept when she will change her values and morals. I was like, wtf, seriously. Left me just staring

  • told me I have to be mentally strong to be with her

  • said she gets depressed which last time lasted for 3 weeks, but it's because of her thyroid problems

  • directly said she quickly attaches to someone and does the push/pull routine when she gets close to someone, which I saw myself

  • told me of her harsh upbringing and her terrible relationship with her family, how they do not value her, got into details

  • has no identity and takes over partner's (seriously?!)

  • told me she gets what she wants. Then later said that if she doesn't get what she desires for a present, she gets really upset.

  • we have birthday 4 days apart and she said that wouldn't work cause the whole week is dedicated to her then

  • said she has low self-esteem, literally doesn't value herself and proceeded if I was to hit her, she would forgive me and think I didn't mean it. Told me how can I be so nice to her, she liked it very much and how can someone like me like someone like her

  • said she f*cked two guys as soon as she got out of a relationship

  • invited me to her place where she wanted to get intimate, but I refused to proceed. Thanked me for "going slow". I had another wtf moment again since she said she wants to be single

I then slept at her place and left after breakfast. I gave her some advice and her reply was "Who are you to tell me what to do". I ignored and proceeded to the door. She stopped me and hugged me like it was the end of the world. I liked her in general. I left my water bottle at her place and wrote her how does she want the communication to go from now on. She said we can see each other occasionally, but just as friends cause she is not ready for me. Ok, I respected honesty again and said I have some issues myself, so we can hang out and see where that takes us later. She was happy.

Few days later she called me in the middle of the night. Her grandpa died. I calmed her down and said some words which lifted her up. Two days after that she throws the bomb right in front of me. She met someone else and wants to try things with him. Why? Cause he said he will leave if she doesn't choose him and she got scared. Plus he is more "wild" than me and that's what she needs right now (now she is "in love" with him). That was after a 1 hour conversation over the phone. I totally lost respect after this was said. Like zero whatsoever. I respected her decision again, but felt betrayed somehow. I wished her all the best.

Then few days passed, she wrote again "I hope this won't get in-between us. I'm sorry how this turned out :(". I told her I was fine and we can still hang out as friends. So we met 3 weeks after our first meeting. We went for a walk, coffee and she cooked me dinner, but these were some odd things:

  • asked me 5min after we met if I met someone new. Immediately after she said sorry again cause things turned out like they did

  • thanked me for not leaving her because all other male friend left when she turned them down, saying she wants to be single. I did not want to make any fuss. She really went through some hard stuff and I didn't wanted to be another burden. I offered my support

  • complimented my good looks, my great body and how she never was attracted physically so much to anyone else

  • said she wants to go to Green day concert with me if I go to the opera with her, workout with me, go running, on walks. And wants to go on a 1 week holiday with me to Amsterdam (mind you she was with someone else). I said sure

So we hugged and again I had to literally rip her out of my hug.

I didn't initiate contact. She called a few times (twice I think) and wrote me two times more, but it was only when she needed something from me. No initiating meeting or anything. Just to congratulate her on her passing her two exams (needs severe validation which she doesn't get at home) and talking about other general stuff. She liked two of my topless pictures on Fb as well (I'm a model too), one on a late Friday night. I don't like people taking advantage of me and it irritated me a bit. Then I asked her to go see a match this Wed with me and she replied positively, but with max 2 words throughout the conversation. This pissed me off and told her today I don't want any relationship of any sort because I totally lost respect for her. I don't get any respect from her either or any desire. This for me is not friendship and I was worried about the decisions she was making. Told her I see much similarities with my ex who has borderline disorder, but as polite as I could. I never want to hurt anyone who wishes me no harm. What I got in response? That I'm arrogant and desperate cause she "turned me down" and I shouldn't see her through my "trauma eyes". Obviously I shouldn't give my advice like I do (as per her) as they can do people harm.

So those of you who read this through, am I a damn idiot or am I justifiably pissed off right now? She made it seem like I was the one who had problems and she the one who is stable.

tl;dr: Met a girl [21yo] who accused me of being arrogant and desperate when her words did not match her actions. Did not want to initiate any advanced steps to get with her before that, saying how can anyone like me even like her and then choosing another "the one" guy who gave her an ultimatum. Previously wanted to be single and do sh*t until Sept.