Can you help me be a RPW from a distance?

ujikolp · 2014-09-21T22:21:33+00:00

"we don't necessarily talk about how we really feel like we used to ("today was stressful because___")"

Be careful about trying to get your bf to "open up" about all the little things that might be stressing him. What you are really doing is trying to force him into a position of weakness: "I'm so stressed, help me, I want my mommy, wah, wah, wah!!!" I understand that you want an opportunity to be your SO's helper, but girls who try to force their SO to "open up" are going to turn their SO into the kind of whiny man you don't even WANT to help.

As far as advice for a happy and redpill LDR, I'm sorry to be a sourpuss, but the game is rigged against you here. The whole point of your living thousands of miles away from your bf is so that each of you can chase your demanding, high-powered careers. When your lifestyles are built in such a way that you and your SO's primary care is about yourselves (and your careers), there is not much opportunity or need to care for each other. Both you and your boyfriend are independent, self-sufficient, and occupying the same role. And since there is (objectively) no dependence in the relationship, you feel you must artificially force your boyfriend to create a problem for you to help him with, by asking him to "open up" aka whine. Please don't do this. That's the only advice I can give you.

You can do the small, cutesy things, but if you want things to not feel "superficial," as you said, you will have to rough it out until you live together again. If history serves any precedent, you will end up wanting to NOT work full-time, which is kind of a shame, since you went through all the schooling and the LDR crap to land this career.

Trepanated · 2014-09-21T21:47:04+00:00

I think you are confused about what the issue is here. Ostensibly you want to know how to provide for his needs, which is admirable, but what's really going on is that he's not giving you enough beta. The problem is not that you don't know how to meet his needs, it's that yours aren't being met and you don't know how to fix it. Here are the 2 most important sentences you wrote:

I've mentioned how I yearn for him to open up, talk to me, express how he feels, tell me what I can do for him.

...

I am also struggling with the fact that because he is not the best at vocalizing his feelings or support, I am feeling vulnerable, lonely, and unsupported.

You are clearly expressing that you want more beta from him. Either he hasn't developed that ability well or he's struggling to do it long distance or you don't know how to signal it to him across the distance. Sending him cards isn't really an attempt to meet his needs, as men don't care much for cards. It's treating him how you'd like to be treated because you can't figure out how else to signal to him to step up the beta.

If the real problem were your inability to meet his needs then you'd be telling us that he's expressed dissatisfaction in some way. But you haven't said a word about his dissatisfaction, you only talked about your own. That's not a bad thing necessarily -- there's nothing wrong with having needs, everyone does -- but you cannot solve the problem until you understand it.

gabilromariz · 2014-09-21T19:51:31+00:00

Hi! I'm in a temporary LDR and this is what I've been doing:

back off a little. My BF is away on a super fancy scholarship so it would be silly to waste the oportunity to talk to the best people in his field. Also, workload is far bigger than at home and he has now all the housestuff to do like laundry and cooking
Keep my skype online on my phone all the time, but not talk. He'll call when he's free and I have a more flexible schedule anyways
Look for TONS of interesting stuff to do. I've joined many new clubs for networking and getting new skills. I'm on an advanced italian course and just started Toastmasters. If BF needs to talk about something other than work I can tell about the interesting stuff that happened that day/week
If it keeps you motivated, make an effort for him. I take trouble to fix my hair and makeup all fancy if it's videochat day :)
Take on a big project that will benefit both of you so he can share in your journey. Good ideas include a new language and taking a trip together to that place when he comes back or learning the cuisine of a different place
Save your stresses to vent with someone else like your mom or girlfriends so you can stay cheery on the phone/Skype. This is the closest you'll get to being his "soft place to land" so make the most of it
Be his cheerleader: by this I mean applaud profusely his acomplishments like sending an extra card when he gets a graded work back or something.
If you want to save on postage you can send a bunch of envelopes in one batch/box with insructions in front like: open when you fail a test, open when you miss home, open when you made a great tasting meal, with a relevant mini-letter inside like it'll be better next time, hugs or I knew you could do it!

I'm still kind of new at this but ask me other stuff if you want to, I'd be glad to help

Title	Can you help me be a RPW from a distance?
Author	squatlvr
Upvotes	12
Comments	11
Date	September 21, 2014 7:26 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2h2397/can_you_help_me_be_a_rpw_from_a_distance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/can-you-help-me-be-a-rpw-from-a-distance.84901 https://theredarchive.com/post/84901

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