Apologies if this seems a bit incel-y, but I don't hate women for this or anything, I just can't help but feel the whole situation is misguided and maybe could be healthier.

So I just ended a relationship that was kind of abusive and making me feel like shit, and feeling lonely and frustrated again, and honestly I think I just want to find something very casual or one night stands. I'm a decent looking guy though I am a little bit aspie, still pretty good with humour and all that, but I feel like casual/sexual dating is such an unnecessary maze that creates so much tension between the sexes.

Looking up how to talk to women if you want a one night stand on tinder, the advice is DON'T. One of the highest ranking results was on Quora where the female respondant says never to try for this, and if by some miracle a woman is up for it, you will be missing out because you fucked up by assuming that was all she was good for. You would never see this kind of response about women having one night stands.

Another result near the top said, roughly, take her out on a date, be the lead, make all the decisions, where to go, what to do, be super romantic, pay for everything, etc. and then you can convince her to sleep with you. The basis of this article was women need a good date story because otherwise they feel like sluts. Now, look, this really confused me because I've never understood slut shaming in the purest form. I really see nothing wrong with men or women wanting sex, often, with multiple people, whatever. But I think the alternative suggested here is worse. It turns you from someone who likes sex to someone who withholds sex until you have been catered to, wined and dined, lied to and PAID. I take issue with the last parts especially. It puts women in a no cost position. Either they want to fuck you and do, or they don't and waste your time and money. And you are essentially a client to a prostitute, not two people engaged in a mutually enjoyable activity.

The only women who lose in that situation are those that believe you are genuinely romantically interested them, and then feel like crap when guys don't call back. But the whole thing is just so loaded with this massive tension. As a man, at least, not a super attractive man, you can't be honest about your intentions, and you must create this whole fake scenario around your intentions, and then you have to pay them for it. It feels gross. It pits women and men's interests against each other. Even if what we both want is sex, we are playing this long game and to what purpose? I obviously see the value in getting to know someone a little first, but that you can't ever be honest about what you're seeking, it's so stressful and you're looking for a billion microscopic hints about whether she wants the same or what her specific expectations are.

I've had 2 " one night stands". One I lost my virginity to out of desperation and loneliness, because it was the first time ever a girl was direct and asked me, she wasn't attractive, and it was a pretty uncomfortable and slightly traumatic experience. The other she also invited me over and it was much better, and we ended up seeing each other again and it became the semi abusive relationship I just escaped from. She was obsessed with me. I've tried being open about my intentions, and even just being subtly suggestive and flirty, and got angry responses even from women posing in lingerie and saying they're there for a good time.

Of course, relationships are a better option for guys to have a sexual partner, monogamy, regular, reliable sex, but I don't think it needs stating that relationships are a whole other thing, which you should not get into unless you have genuine feelings for someone. And so if you just want sex and haven't found someone yet you genuinely connect with, as a guy, there is a lot of pressure to essentially be duplicitous, at the very least, to exxagerate a feeling you are very unsure about.

A friend of mine a while back had a friend she was being "creeped out by" cause he kept inviting her to stuff with just him and generally acting kinda flirty and she was going along with everything, afraid of... I dunno what if she didn't. I gave her a precisely worded message to send to him, saying she felt he was flirting and politely letting him know she wssn't interested and shock surprise, the guy understood completely and said they could just be friends. Honesty solved all that tension and wasted nobody's time or emotions. Why can't it be more like that?

The dating and sexual sphere in general between men and women just seems to be based on lies, people leading each other on in different ways, and it's SO stressful. And I understand there are many reasons for this and that women have a lot of issues from it as well, obviously having a ton of guys going after you is the opposite kind of issue, but since in most spheres, this topic would only be met with demonization of me for questioning it, I'd like to hear a different perspective here. As a species, is there a way for us to make dating and sex less of a horrible, duplicitous experience for men and women? What changes in attitudes might help, and would these have any adverse effects?

I dunno. I'm sad, and tired. And I wish my sexuality wasn't shameful and demonized.