Growing up, both of my parents had very different styles of parenting. One parent raised by example, the other raised through shame and humiliation. I'll let you decide which is Mom and Daf (spoiler alert: I'll tell you at the end). Parent A was a part-time teacher at a local prestigious college. The classes weren't STEM classes, but their students loved them and parent A won awards for thier performances and teaching style. Parent A also worked for an orthodontist and worked hard for their children. This parent was also BIG on discipline. So much so, one summer when I didn't perform as well as I should have in school, I spent a summer grounded. In my room. All I got was bread and water and hard labor. Why? Because I was on the path of becoming an inmate (based purely on my academic failings, not on delinquent behavior). When it came time to testing, I did very well. I knew the material, but I saw no reason to do busywork to prove that I knew what I was being tested on. I can ace the test. Why bother doing the homework? I wasn't being properly challenged. Parent A knew this, the teachers knew this, I knew this, but I was the only one being punished for it. This was purely my fault. Because of my bad grades, I've had at least two wooden spoons broken over my ass, I was almost kicked down a flight of stairs (the banister saved me from falling), Parent A followed me to classes and took notes on what my assignments were (further shaming and alienating me from my fellow classmates), and at one point had me have my teachers sign a daily planner with the homework. This parent also told me that if I didn't get the signature from my teachers that I shouldn't bother coming home. The one time I actually didn't come home because I didn't get the signatures, Parent A freaked the fuck out and nearly called the cops because I decided to stay at school for an extra two hours because I had nowhere else to go. Parent A counted on me feeling bad about myself and the fact that they could shame the life out of me if I didn't live up to their standards.

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Let's provide a contrast with Parent B. Parent B worked two jobs for much of my life. Parent B was dedicated to providing a good life for the kids at the detriment to themselves. Parent B is the ultimate good Samaritan. The kind of person who would pull over on the side of a busy freeway to help you change a tire or to give up a weekend to help a neighbor move. Parent B never raised their voice, never raised a hand against me, and taught me how to not only be a better man, but how to be a good person.

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Who is who in this scenario? Have you guessed? I have lots to say about Parent A, but learned so SO much more from Parent B. Parent A is my mother. Not to stereotype the gender, but she was (and still is) physically and emotionally abusive. Parent B, a.k.a dad, lead by example. He dealt with the same abuse mom showed us kids and still set a standard of how to behave as a basic human being, despite working two jobs and not being at home as much as he wanted to be. When I was still living with them, there would be nights I'd get home after working a 10-hour shift to get home and find him fixing a random stranger's car. I can't fix a car like he can, but I can hold a flashlight and buy a tank of gas.

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Toxic masculinity? I wouldn't be surprised if it existed, but any dad who takes an active role in his kid's lives is a case against that. Dads, your kids are watching what you do and learning how to treat people based on you. Men, keep being good dads. The boys and girls you raise will thank you for it. Moms, your kids are also watching. Both of you, be the kind of person you want your kids to be. Be empathetic and listen to people. Teach your kids to treat people like people. It doesn't matter if you are a man, woman, or somewhere inbetween. Be a good person so your kids have a model of how to treat other people please.