The last few days I've been looking at the menlib subreddit mostly to try and see how exactly they tend to think and approach these issues. In all that I ended up writing this post about the recent Gillette ad and felt it would be appreciated here

My reason for writing this post is largely based off of discussions and reactions that I have witnessed and I just kind of want to hash that out. In general there are a few reactions I see to this ad, the first being the negative reaction "This ad is portraying men horribly", the next being "The ad is just saying be a good person" followed by "If you are bothered by this ad, you are part of the problem/ stop whining". I think all of these reactions give something interesting to think and consider about how people should go about helping men.

To start, I'll say I'm one of the people who doesn't like the ad. I find that it is saying to be better by comparing yourself to this perception of men and masculinity it is portraying. It presents such a uniformity in this behaviour being considered acceptable, from the studio audience to line of uniform dads grilling in a row. It certainly seems to bring the message that men's issues and how they affect them and portrays it through a lens of how men hurt other people. Not that is not necessarily by itself, but it certainly seems to be the most common form of discussing men's issues, from toxic masculinity to patriarchy, the message that seems to come across when discussing men's issues is "Men are a menace, you should help stop that". While I would certainly agree that there are attitudes that can be perpetuated that are harmful, it seems like the message that a lot of people are taking from this is that that approach is what populates the mainstream discussion on men's issues and puts a lot of the blame on men as a collective.

Now no matter how you think about that, whether they are right or wrong to think that, the fact is that is how a lot of people generally are perceiving and reacting to this method of discussing men's issues. If I had to guess as to why that's the case, I think a lot of people feel like "the message has been received already, we already aren't doing this bad stuff, stop telling us to do it." And I think that's probably a pretty fair assessment to make, I don't think a lot of people are going to be committing the stuff the ad is saying to stop, or at the very least, at any large scale level. I think the general aspect that they hear is "You don't have to be like these other bad people, be better" which certainly is not the best way to send a message asking people to be better. So if people are going to hearing this, I certainly think that the approach that is needed is to recognize that is how a lot of people take this stuff and tailor your messages around that understanding.

In addition to that, I have seen a lot of people point out "If there was an ad treating women like this, or black people like this, the moral indignation would be easily recognized". I do kind of agree with this sentiment and it kind of makes me wonder why exactly people who agree with the ad don't take that approach or see it differently. And I think that maybe it has to do with somewhat of a separateness that some people develop to parts of their identity. When I see people saying "You don't need to be offended if your not doing that stuff" I get somewhat reminded of the "I'm not like other girls" girl, a woman who raises her self through her opposition to other women. I do get the vibe that the people who don't have an issue look at the ad and think "I'm not like those guys, I don't do this stuff, I'm better than these men" which certainly carries an air that the way some people make them selves seem better is by saying how much they are not like all those other people, and I honestly don't think that is very healthy. I think feminism is quite on the right track to call out that behaviour in other women, but I do not see that same sentiment when applied to men who distance themselves as well from other men.

Right now it seems like there is a divisiveness here about how others view other men who do not necessarily think like them. It feels like there is a distance that prevents a lot of sympathizing with those who may disagree and take a different approach. I still don't get how that when people disagree with people disagreeing with an ad that calls out toxic masculinity, I see the same exact silencing tactics that forms toxic masculinity to try and silence those who disagree and complain. From complaints of fragile men, to man babies, there is a constant voice that seems to be saying "A real man should shut up about how they feel on this ad unless they agree with it". There is a large voice that men aren't allowed to voice their issues just because you think they shouldn't take issue, but I don't think that's how this should work. You don't use what you want to change in the process of moving away from it, but those same values seem to actually leave, they just change their targets.

Ultimately, what I want to say is that men need help, whether it's to be a better person than they were or to get out of tough place. But right now I'm not seeing people actually try to reach out to these people and understand why they take issues to these messages and try to learn how to do better themselves. That if people reject your help once they are a lost cause and should be ignored and ridiculed, that if they want your help they have to come to you instead after they've made the revelation themselves. Right now I think there are plenty of issues that are facing men and each man faces them differently, but I don't think closing yourself off to the ones who think they have different issues is going to actually change things. I feel that there needs to be a reunifying of this group, because right now it just seems like men are placing themselves on separate islands drifting apart, all saying they aren't like each other, when we should all be wanting to work together, to help everyone.