Today i've noticed that I have alot of fight in me, and i'm hungry to be great, but it's all for the wrong reasons.

I was looking through some old books earlier and under one of the books what do I find? My bachelors degree. I started to remember when my dad use to tell me that it would be a shock to him if I graduated high school. I then remember struggling really bad in my first year in college. I struggled so bad that I repeated remedial math twice and only accumulated 6 credits in 2 years before I dropped out. Then what happened?

I got into a relationship with a wonderful girl who kept me level headed. After entering that relationship I was on an academic rampage, I never got lower than a B and acquired 60 credits within the next year in a half. I then went on to a 4 year college and acquired my B.B.A. in less than 2 years all while having a full time job. I found that strength within me all because of my relationship. Then what happened?

She left me. She left me in the middle of my final semester. It was probably the toughest ordeal that I ever had to plow through. 4 years completely down the drain. I was already at the finish line, I lost all my strength and reasoning within her, but I still had to finish. I was so relieved when I received that letter saying I graduated. I could feel my eyes welling up as my mom stood there acknowledging me not only as her son but as a man. However, even though I finally got that monkey off my back I convinced myself not to walk at graduation. I literally told myself, if my ex left me knowing I was going to become a college grad then this really doesn't mean anything. I won't walk this time, I'll do it for my Masters--whenever that is. So, I didn't walk.

After 1 year of moping, crying, struggling, and endless emotional pain I started dating again. First I started getting dates from speed dating events and none of those worked out. I then turned my attention to Tinder and starting dabbing on that. I had more dates towards the end of last year than i've had in the last 10 years in my life. Every date I improved at escalation, but I still have trouble getting the girl in bed (HUGE sticking point). I then started realizing that the women i'm going on dates with are mediocre at best. So in order to avoid mediocrity I can't look mediocre, therefore I started hitting the gym HARD.

Earlier today I was doing some home exercises and I realized how different my body looks compared to 1 year ago. My chest is looking so much better, I actually see the square of where my abs are coming in, and my arms look absolutely ripped. I fought, clawed, walked through snow, and ate right for this body! I never thought I could have a body like this, ever!

However, i'm not happy. I still feel very empty inside...

I realized that everything I do is for the attention of women or A woman. As cringe as it may sound it's the only paradigm that can help me ascend to a super human level. Based on what i've told you so far, you can see i've done some pretty amazing things with this mindset, but I know it's not healthy. I've reached levels that I could never dream of by simply chasing the approval of women and STILL, I get no pussy. I get dates, but no pussy smh. If you told me to do something incredibly hard FOR ME? I couldn't do it. But, if you told me to do something incredibly difficult knowing that there's beautiful women at the end of the line, then I will do everything in my power to make it happened (and I guarantee it).

Changing my philosophy will make me operate at lower level. I don't ever see myself changing, I might have to operate at this level forever knowing i'll be miserable just so I can maintain myself at survival mode. And if that isn't fucked up, I don't know what is anymore.