So, a woman gets on a plane. Mid 40s, Traveling alone, with a little fluffy dog. It isn't a full plane, so she gets the flight crew to help her move her numerous carry-on bags and small dog to a full row of seating at the back of the plane.

For the first hour she manages to stay awake, she aggressively harasses people using the bathroom when they use it if the seatbelt sign is on. She lectures them in a nasal, condescending tone. With pupils the size of dimes, no volume control, and an endlessly looping stream of vague "safety" and "danger" arguments, its easy to tell by the cast on one ankle that she is using some kind of heavy-duty pain medication, if you know signs of people using them.

She luckily has 4 rows or so of buffer with no other passengers, so no one has to listen too closely to her speech, except people stuck in line for the bathroom.

Most people apologize and tell her it won't happen again.

I'm not most people. I have a medical condition that requires bathroom access, when I need it. I don't like to talk about it. Its just something I deal with. Occasionally in my younger years teachers would try to string me up in front of the class and embarrass me for my timing. I'm used to it, I don't care. I would just usually stay after class and tell them some less than pleasant details about my medical condition and they would leave me alone.

So as I wait for the line to the bathroom to go down, the seatbelt light comes on. Dammit. I need to go, now. So I do.

As I wait in line, I hear in a loud voice

BP: "Excuse me, sir? SIR! SIR!"

Me: "Yes?"

BP: "You're using the bathroom while the seatbelt light is on."

Me: "I know, I need to use the bathroom."

BP: "You're a danger to yourself and other passengers. You shouldn't do that when the light is on"

Me: "Okay, thanks" weak grin, thumb up

BP" "You're endangering yourself and others"

Me: "I get it, ok, but we can still use the bathroom"

BP: "You really shouldn't do that"

Me, irritated this conversation hasn't ended: "What are you, the bathroom police?"

BP: "Yes I am" with a shit eating grin

She opens her mouth to begin her next part of the sermon, when a bathroom luckily opens up. I jump in without a word.

On my way back out I don't stop to chat. As I go by she starts to re-loop her monologue and yell that "at my size" I'm a danger to myself and other passengers.

I'm not a small guy, but I do mountain bike 5-6 hours a day on the weekends, and my balance and knee strength as a result is quite reliable. I say this merely to show under no normal understanding of "danger" was I creating any for anyone. There wasn't much if any turbulence, and I could still walk easily. Whats best for everyone on the plane is that I have bathroom access when I need it. Period.

I just keep walking and put my finger to my lips in the universal symbol of "you're making too much noise"

The manic part of her high wears off, and she goes unconscious for the remaining 4 hours of the flight, the open mouthed slumped sleep of the dead that only opiates can achieve.

Other passengers use the bathroom in peace while the bathroom-police sleeps. I remark how odd it is to be harassed by a passenger for bathroom use, and realize the woman gave my girlfriend the same lecture when she needed to use the bathroom.

I think its over.

Far from it.

The bitch wakes out of her stupor for the last hour, gets a V8 juice, and begins to pace the aisles.

Her first pass by me, she conspicuously avoids looking at me at all.

I should've known she was up to something when she wouldn't even try to stare daggers at me, but I was watching the Big Lebowski and didn't give a shit.

She begins to lurk over my shoulder, I'm in an aisle seat. I think she is trying to get in the seats behind me, but before I can react, she upends her drink on my shoulder, very carefully avoiding my tablet so no real monetary damage occurred.

"Are you kidding me?" I turn and ask

"Oh, it was an accident" with her shit-eating smirk

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I'll get you some napkins" she walks off

"What a bitch" I say audibly as she walks off

I call a stewardess, explain the situation, she comps me a beer and gets me some napkins. Tells me Crazy Bitch says its an accident so its a "he-said she-said" situation and they can't do anything.

I clean the V8 off me, which luckily didn't show much on my dark shirt, and head to the bathroom with the soggy napkins in hand.

As I pass by her aisle, I say "Hey, here are those napkins you said you'd get me" She looks mildly confused as I fire the soggy balled up napkins right in her shit-eating grin. She is much too sluggish (high) to turn away or get her hands up.

I don't hang around to gauge her response, the soggy splotch as the outer wrapped napkin bloomed to release balled up napkins all over her was enough for me.

When I get out of the bathroom the flight attendants are waiting for me.

Stewardess: "Sir, we're almost landed, we can't have any disturbances"

Me: "There aren't any. That crazy bitch poured a drink on me a while ago but that is over."

Stewardess: "She said it was an accident, and you're being hostile, we can't have napkins being thrown"

Me: "Sorry, hostility is the last thing I was trying to convey. I thought I saw trash in that seat, so I put my trash there, won't happen again. But did she also tell you she was previously harassing me for using the bathroom when I needed it? And that she told me she was the bathroom police?"

Stewardess throws a confused sideways glance at crazy bitch, sitting 5 yards away, smirking and staring at her tablet.

To me, in a hushed, confused tone "Does she work for the airline?"

Me: "No, she is just really high on her medication"

Crazy bitch sinks lower in her seat and keeps her face straight forward, obviously unaware anyone could have guessed her drugged up state. Her smirk fades. She makes no effort to refute anything she has heard.

Stewardess: "She has been talking about bathroom use with passengers? Just you?"

Me: "No, she did it to my girlfriend, too, and must've to at least a few other people if she got both of us"

Stewardess, hushed again: "Why would she do that? I've never heard of anyone doing that"

Me: "Me neither, I have no idea why anyone would do that except that crazy people do crazy things, but I know I've been continuously harassed by another passenger here and I don't think enough has been done about it."

Stewardess: "If we comped your seat, would that help?"

Me: "Absolutely. That would be great."

So, if any other crazy bitches want to dump a drink on my shirt, I guess my price is $150, a beer, and I get to throw the napkins in your face. Just wanted to share my story of a pussy pass in action, and my best attempts to non-violently revoke it. If I had meekly accepted her bullshit I wouldn't have made it out with a free ticket. For that, I thank Virgin America.

Any man who behaved like she did would've been treated very differently, but they did their best to correct the situation.

It does give me a warm fuzzy feeling that there could be nothing worse than whatever hellish existence she turns her daily life into, harassing people over their bathroom use instead of minding her own business, relying on addictive painkillers to operate, and thinking the "clumsy girl" card gets her anywhere.

I guess the real loser is whoever she was going home to, but her general demeanor, carry-on dog, and lack of travel companion made me think that is a big "no one" though..