I found TRP about 5 years ago. I was raised by a single mother. Extremely lonely as a kid. I went years and years not knowing how to get any positive attention from females I was attracted to. It wasn't until around the age of 30 I finally started getting laid pretty regularly. Notch count jumped from like 3 in my whole life to probably over 30 in just the last couple years. Most of them people I really appreciated in a lot of ways, sex aside.

I've read the sidebar. I lift. I keep plates. But gosh dang. Every now and then I meet a chick I just want to be with so bad. The whole picket fence fantasy crops up. My mind knows it's stupid. That I need to cool it down, turn to other plates. And I do. But I'll want this one chick so bad, and to know that she's probably fucking other dudes just kills me, even if I refuse to show it.

I'm not special. I'm just a cute guy with a dick for Friday night, after she probably fucked somebody I know on Thursday. I cope with it internally best I can, but it fucking stings.

I worry that the bitterness won't truly transform into acceptance. That I'll just get cold hearted and aloof, become something I wouldn't have wished for myself. That I won't let myself love anybody, because I know they'll never truly love me. Or pass up something that could be great because I've lost faith in general. I'm too skeptical and too cynical. I'm always braced for the worst so I can take it in stride when it comes.

Sometimes a girl will say some feminist, anti-patriarchy shit, and the venom will just bubble up and I'll find myself talking down to her like a piece of fucking trash, just trying to convey to the equivalent of a spoiled five year old how it feels to have been lonely for years and years dealing with this stuff, and to then be talked down to by a female. To have done everything you could think of (having no proper role models) to become attractive, useful, desirable, valuable... and to then hear some fat blue haired bitch, or worse-- someone you used to be in love with, who never gave you the time of day, fucked every other dude but you, saying that you can never know suffering as a man. especially a white man. That you're all privileged, pathetic, childish, yada yada. Well, what do you expect, ho? I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, considering having been raised exclusively by a stupid ass bitch just like you. Suck my dick and get the kitchen where you belong, or fuck off.

Lol. I mean, usually I'll just ignore it, or maybe humor them and fuck them later if they're cute. But every once in a while I go off.

I digress.

Anybody else deal with these things? How have you finally moved beyond the anger, and jealousy even, if you have? I figured I'd be done with it after 5 years of effort. But obviously not!