This sub has been important to me for the past two years. I haven't posted much here for a while but I continue to read posts. Since you guys helped me with your posts when I didn't know what to do, I wish to do the same for others. To most of you, my story will sound a lot like yours. 

Prologue: I was married to my wife for about 14 years before our relationship seriously deteriorated. After the birth of our second child, she became severely depressed. I took over the day-to-day chores of the family during her pregnancy and that continued to the end. During the last 5 years of our marriage, I did what I could to make our emotional and financial plans work. What is important here is that I compromised my values and made poor financial decisions in attempts to appease her anger and in hopes of her recovering.

How it happened: My then-wife turned away from me and the children towards Facebook and fake friends. Knowing she needed more supporting relationships, I suggested that she reconnect with a couple of our old friends and her old mentor. We had already quit being a team, even real friends. I felt devastated by the loss of the beauty of our marriage and the genuine friendship. But I had hope. I figured that having a bad 5 years in a 30 year marriage was not too bad. Little did I know that the real loss was yet to come.

The Train is Coming: Our family went to therapy because the kids didn't like being yelled at by their mother. I had been all-in on making my marriage and our family function for several years at this point. The therapist suggested that my then-wife do her own work. My then-wife decides the therapist is full of shit. Around this time, the then-wife drops a bomb that she's at the point of either the marriage gets better or we divorce. So we agreed to a 6 month improvement plan and would decide at the end of 6 months which way to go. 

Our marriage was so much better. With regular dates, weekly family outings, and sex at least twice a week, things appeared to be going well. I knew it would take several years to get our marriage and family to a place of love and compassion. At this time, my industry experienced a slow-down and I was let go from my job of 5 years.

Train Wreck: Then... After 3 months of ever better relationships and more therapy for the kids, the then-wife goes on a short trip to see her old mentor/friend. When she comes back, she drops the bomb. It's Over. 

The air was sucked out of the room. All my hopes and dreams evaporated. I HAD BEEN ALL-IN TO BE A PARTNER. My world was over. She moved out in a week to a friend's house. In about 30 minutes, we agreed to split everything 50/50, including parenting. She wanted nothing from the house except her clothes, photos, and a couple pieces of furniture. I kept the dogs as I had been their caretaker from day one.

I had experienced the greatest loss of my life, others than my mother's death. I was numb, unemployed, and had few friends. I had given up my hobbies and any friends she didn't like to save our marriage. Now I had nothing. Denial set in.

Please know this: Once a marriage is over and divorce starts, it will happen. There is nothing you can do to stop your spouse from leaving and moving on. The legal process will happen, with or without you. In hindsight, my then-wife was out of the marriage when we agreed on an improvement period. Later, it was confirmed that she used those three months to rally her divorce cheerleaders and get her plans in order. She probably never intended rebuild our marriage. And there is nothing in the world that I can do to change the past.

Counting the Casualties: I needed help. First, I went to therapy for myself. I had done some counseling before, mainly dealing with how to be the husband my then-wife wanted. Now I needed a voice of reason to steer me through the razzing of my old life and building of a new one. My therapist was someone that did not know my STBXW (she is a well-known & respected therapist in my area). He is a guy that confronted all my bullshit thinking and told me how to move on. One to three times a week I was pissed at him because he was right. And it was worth every penny. The work I did took months to settle in and for me to understand what most of it meant. Even 8 months since my last appointment, I have moments of “Oh shit, that was fucked up. I don’t want to ever do XXXXX again.”

Clearing the Tracks: I received several great pieces of advice from lawyer & paralegal friends. 1) Divorce is a business deal. You two are dissolving one business and creating a new one. The new business’s purpose is to raise your children. Divorce can be war. Prepare for a very difficult business deal.

  1. Document what happened during the marriage, how things went bad, and everything since you two talked about separation & divorce. Write it down. (This really helped my sanity. Later, I was able to answer a lot of my attorney’s questions.)

  2. From this moment on (the day we talked about divorce) put all communication in writing. Use email to discuss issues about the kids, finances, and property. No need to discuss any other topics. If you have a conversation, confirm it with an email. Use texting as a poor alternative. Use a note-taking app on your phone to log in daily activities. Keep track of all common and child-related expenses. Keep a PAPER calendar & track all times & travel with kids.

  3. Hire an attorney ASAP that meets these qualifications: Family law specialist; Female (opposing counsel & judge were female); Works in a firm of 3-8 attorneys; Recommended by other attorneys & paralegals; Divorced; Parent; Strong personality & speaker; Affordable. I paid for a consult with the attorney that I later hired.

Business is Business: I did not file the petition for religious reasons and because I still had some denial. My STBXW filed a messy petition that asked for everything while disclosing little about her new business. The handshake 50/50 agreement we had was out the window and now it was winner take all. My attorney said don’t worry about it as we will answer it with what we want. First, my attorney had me complete all the required questionnaires. Next, I provided my answers to the petition. Then I emailed my desired and acceptable positions on a long list of issues. We spoke little to keep the charges down. We did have one session before filing the response. During this session, my attorney really grilled me on the entirety of the case. She forced me to arrive at a final position on all of it. This was emotionally painful, but I am so grateful that my attorney for prepared me.

Before out settlement conference, we reviewed the case briefly and prepped our strategy. The settlement conference was the defining moment in my divorce. My attorney, in a diplomatic and cordial manner, set the agenda and directed the meeting. My STBXW lost her composure as a smart, strong female called the STBXW on her bullcrap. The STBXW said no one understood her, and even insinuated that her own attorney was stupid. We left as my attorney refused to be insulted. It was beautiful. Later my attorney said WTH was that? I stated that was my marriage for the last 3+ years.

In the end, my attorney forced a fair settlement. All assets and debt were split 50/50. We have some outstanding debt that needs to be addressed and we are slowly doing that. The parenting plan was 50/50 with me being designated as the primary residential parent. My kids officially live at my home and attend school nearby. The kids switch houses every Friday.

During the divorce, my STBXW pushed the social and legal boundaries. She was often an ass. Since then, I hold to the divorce decree and parenting plan. Most communication is by email. With a few words, she usually comes back the terms of the decree. It is like having a childish business partner that requires regular parenting. It sucks but it is getting better.