Hey all having a hard time with this divorce and wanted to share my story to see if anyone else has similar one and to vent. I was dating my GF for three years we were having sex before marriage. My parents were Christian’s and pressured me into getting married to make it right with god. I was young 22 and she was 20. I had heavy resentment for being pushed into marriage and started off my marriage on the wrong foot. I moved to Hawaii to get away from family and cut god completely out of my life. My wife always wanted to be married and was fully committed to the relationship. I was emotionally immature and angry about getting married. I didn’t realize I had avoidant attachment and pushed all my emotions down. I spent my time spearfishing, surfing and playing pickleball to drowned out my emotions. I would tell my wife we were in arranged marriage and I never wanted to get married. I was the bread winner and great with finances I started saving when I was 20 and was able to save 200k by 26. My wife was a traditional wife she worked as a pre school teacher and did most the laundry, dishes and dinners. She didn’t have much ambition to further her career she had been in college for a long time for a 4 yr. Degree which bothered me. I started focusing on all the negatives about her and pretty soon all I could think about was divorce. There’s so many beautiful girls in Hawaii and pretty soon lust got the best of me. I started emotionally neglecting my wife because all I could think about were the girls at the beach. I would talk to girls out surfing and my wife would paddle out to yell at me. I never cheated on my wife but gave her no reason to think other wise. When we would go to the beach I would go on walks to check out girls in front of her. I travelled for work a bunch and my wife got it in her head I was cheating on her. She talked to friends which validated her feelings. She ended up leaving me after years of trying to get me to change and opening up to me about what she needs out of the relationship. When she left I realized how important she was to me and how emotionally immature I was. I had never gone through heart break and she was my first love. I did everything wrong sending her gifts, calling her and trying to win her back. She ended up saying I was a narcissist and emotionally abusive to her. I do feel I took a good woman for granted and feel terrible. All she ever wanted was to build a life together and have kids but because I never committed to her I set myself up for failure. I lost 100k in the divorce and my wife hates my guts since she believes I cheated on her. I realize now I neglected my emotions and consumed myself with ambition. I feel I destroyed a good woman by years of neglect and telling her I wanted something else. I have a long journey ahead to become the man I wanna be. Started going to therapy and reading books on relationships. I realized my idea of love was truely lust and I didn’t know how to love properly, it wasn’t until I started reading my bible again and came across 1st Corinthians 13 and I realized what true love is. Anyone else have to learn this the hard way.