Cross-posted from /r/Divorce (hope I'm doing that right) by request. Thanks for letting me know about this sub!

Being to this point. Being here. Myself. Funny enough, I don't hate her. I've made plenty of mistakes, enough to fill a book. I'm the first person to admit that I have changed, and only wish I was aware of it earlier. I did my best, but it's not enough and never will be. I'm not the person she thought I was (or who I thought I was either for that matter), and no matter how hard I try I cannot be that person. We are not compatible any longer, and it f***ing kills me. I question if we ever were, or if we were just lying to ourselves or were too young to know better. All the love in the world cannot bridge the divide between us as things stand.

I have started looking for an apartment, and our finances. I want to do what's best for the kids at all costs. The thought of not seeing them every day has been the only thing keeping me from filing, but it's not fair for them to live in such a toxic environment. After our blowout fight again, I know that nothing about this is healthy and I have to do what's right even though I hate everything about it. I have to accept that I am the bad guy. Maybe I will be able to forgive myself someday.

I'm going to be ok. She is going to be ok. The kids are going to be ok. Or am I just lying to myself again? I don't know.

I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. Selfish, I know, but I'm hurting so badly I don't know what to do, and I'm not coping very well. I wish I had someone to really talk to, but at least I can vent to you Redditors here.

Sending my best thoughts to any and all of you also hurting. Whether you are right or wrong or somewhere inbetween, I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.