HI everyone, i have recently joined reddit, looking for more advice, readin personal experiences on here.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, together for 17, and we have two kids (10 and 5 years old). Over the years, our marriage has been deeply affected by her insecurities and past trauma. After gaining weight following our first child and having a history of being cheated on by an ex, she’s struggled with self-esteem, which has shaped much of her behavior and how she interacts with me.

She’s often suspected me of cheating or not giving her enough attention, likely fueled by her insecurities. I’ve always tried to be supportive, but it’s been tough. From 2015 to 2023, our sex life was nearly non-existent. She rarely initiated, often had excuses, and intimacy felt like a form of control. For me, intimacy is a core part of feeling connected and loved, so this deeply affected me.

In 2022, I hit a breaking point. I had a mental breakdown from feeling emotionally drained and rejected. I confided in an old female friend (a purely platonic relationship) who helped me see that not all women dislike intimacy as much as my wife claimed. This led to us starting couples therapy, where we made significant progress. Around this time, my wife also had weight loss surgery, losing 50kg and regaining confidence.

For the past 11 months, things felt like they were improving. Our sex life transformed into something amazing, fulfilling everything I’d craved for years.

But VERY recently, I overheard her talking to a friend about how, (this was after her birthday weekend and where i took time off and spoiled her on the weekend and made extra effort (which she acknlwedge i did):

  1. She doesn’t need men.
  2. Sex isn’t important to her, and she just gets it over with.
  3. She only needs me to send money so she can live in “her house.”
  4. She’s fine being alone, whether I stay or leave.
  5. She feels I want her to be unattractive to other men.
  6. She’s thought about hooking up with others.

When I confronted her, she blamed the stress of my potential overseas job, wine, and venting to her friend. But I feel like these were her true feelings, and now I’m questioning everything.

How can I trust her again? How do I reconcile her actions with what she says? Will I ever be enough for her when she subtly implies I’m not?

For context:

  • We’re no longer in therapy due to cost, and I’m not seeking individual therapy for the same reason.
  • Our kids don’t seem to be affected, and I try to stay as supportive and present as I can.
  • I only recently confided in a male friend, and until now, I’ve had no real outlet.
  • The overseas job was meant to secure our family’s finances, but after her comments, it’s created even more tension between us.

If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you cope? Is there a way to rebuild trust, or am I fighting a losing battle? Any advice or shared experiences would mean a lot.

Divorce will be hard to handle, but i also feel im an emotional wreck and cant cope anymore.