Not sure where to start, not sure how I feel. Wife and I have been together on and off since high school and only married for about 3 years (we got married because she was pregnant and her family pushed HARD for it. We obviously weren't ready.) Now my drinking has been out of control these past years (everyday type situation and I got hospitalized at the beginning of the year) so I've put genuine effort into stopping. I'm an alcoholic, it's in my genes, I know only I can stop, no excuses here. But when I look to the past 1.5 liter plus days, not working, not cleaning and now look at myself, stay at home Dad, dishes, laundry, dinner done everyday (sure there's leftover dishes and laundry but I always find one day a week to power through it all). I only see progress, now I still have urges to drink, strong some days but I don't succumb, if I do drink it's with the wife and well after dark and the kids sleeping. Cut to the start of the month, I messed up, I had a side job and got a couple bucks (kids were with her parents) grabbed something to drink while they were gone, they got home, wife got home and saw I had been drinking and that was that, the beginning of the end. So when she told me to leave and my world crumbled around me, literal reality and my future plans shut down, I freaked out, crying, begging all that good stuff. I wrote down a two week plan where I would exercise, completely stop drinking, smoking just overall giving up everything so we could potentially fix things. I haven't exercised, still want to drink and smoke but I thought we were getting better we had more conversations about more lax drinking and smoking rules but it seems like those don't matter when she's upset. It's "nothing has changed" "you're still the same". But more than half the time she says "why don't we drink tonight" or "go get smoke for yourself I understand". I'm an addict so ofc when I'm offered something I'm going to dive all over it but she doesn't see how she's perpetuated the very things she's crucifying me for. I love her, I don't want to be done but mostly because I have no idea what I will do. She has the money, she has the house, she told me I had to go to a shrink so now my mental shortcomings are documented for her to easily get custody (not like I'd be in the running with no house or income). I'm ranting, I'm sorry for the wall of text but it did feel good to get some of that out.