Hey everyone. Normally I don’t even open this app. However, I have never felt so alone.

I want to preface the whole post by explaining who I am and what lead to this.

I am a lying manipulative piece of shit. I met my wife when I was in the Navy and the sparks were instantly there. She was my dream woman and I was her dream man. However, over the years, I started to let my true colors show. Lying constantly, literally about anything. Verbally abusive due to angry outbursts. Manipulative tendencies. Everything.

When I was 20 (10 years ago) I got absolutely blackout drunk at a party. There was this girl there that got dared to kiss everyone in the room. I was among those people. My wife was not there at the time. I woke up the next morning and I vaguely remembered the incident, but I knew it happened.

Naturally, being the snake I was, kept it from her. Fast forward 2 years and we’re pregnant with our beautiful baby girl. The moment she was born, I set aside everything else to love my daughter and try to be the best father I could be. However, I still never got help.

When my daughter was 3 years old, she asked me why I always yell at Mommy. Immediately started therapy. Anger management, childhood trauma, depression, and anxiety. Had to tackle it all. Immediately shifted who I was as a person and started taking baby steps to being truthful about all of my past lies. As I validated and came clean about everything my wife was gaslit into believing weren’t real, I knew it was leading up to the truth about that night at the party. I told her 2 days ago and it was immediately met with “I will call a lawyer. I love you. I have always loved you. I’m sorry it has to end this way.”

So as I type this, I am in shambles. Can barely see the screen through the tears. I caused this. I did this. This is the natural outcome of doing what I did, and honestly, she shouldn’t have stuck around this long anyways.

When I moved out here to her neck of the woods, I left my whole family and friends. So naturally, all of my friends are the significant others to her friends. I have found myself messaging everyone of them letting them know that I love them and that I am proud of them but I gotta let them go. I don’t feel I am remotely strong enough to remain in a circle of friends that my STBXW is a part of. She wants this to be as amicable as possible and she is strictly business with all of this.

How do I navigate this? If I stay in the circles, I deal with the pain of hearing about her as the woman I fell in love with. If I push everyone away, I’m alone. (I work a remote job)

I am aware that this is a temporary problem as I’ll eventually meet new friends down the line. I just don’t feel I’ll have the emotional capacity to do this at all for quite awhile.

Thanks y’all.