Looking for advice

I’m (35m) married (32f) with 2 kids under 5. Married for 8 years together for about twice that. I work full time and when I’m not at work I am taking care of the kids and do the majority of the chores and housework. Over the last year or year and a half I have become exhausted from the treatment I receive from my wife.

She quit her job right before our first was born which I was in support of. We had discussed what that would look like and how I wouldn’t be able to shoulder the burden of responsibilities I had been taking care of prior to her quitting. Essentially- she’s staying home she has to put more effort into taking care of things around the house. That has not happened. Now I’m “working” every day from 6-11.

In addition, I am feeling pressure from her to “grow up” and start acting like a leader in the home. She is pushing us into more and more activities and church group type obligations. We now have a scheduled outing whether it’s kids or our various small groups 5/7 days every week. I don’t want to be like the guys in these groups, not even because I don’t want to be like them, but if I were more like them there is no doubt she would continue to walk all over me. On top of all this she has a tendency to place blame on anyone but herself and has resorted to small acts of physical aggression such as scratching or hitting a few times. That had been gone but recently resurfaced. I find myself shouldering the blame for any number of things that may be upsetting to her in the moment. Additionally she struggles with the results of childhood trauma and a deep fear of abandonment. This leads her to be incredibly controlling and clingy for lack of a better term. I have lost friends over the years and she is actively trying to distance us from my family.

Recently there have been many statements such as “you don’t deserve that man as your father” to my 4 year old. Is there anything there that would help me in a case?

I am terrified of divorce and what it would do for my children, myself, my finances, and her. I don’t want her to be alone I care deeply for her. But I am getting more depressed by the moment and I fear it’s only a matter of time before it starts affecting me physically.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you get through it? I’m looking for any kind of hope here I’m just not able to find it on my own.

Thank you all