My wife (40f) has told me (45m) she wants to separate. We have two kids, a son (almost 15) and a daughter (12). I’m crushed and having a really hard time dealing with it. As a man, I view it as a failure on my part to be a good husband/provider/person. As a product of a broken home, I also now view myself as a failure a father because I’m not protecting my kids from the same trauma that I still deal with because of my parents.

The other side of course is that we are currently fighting non-stop and I keep trying to tell myself that when it’s all said and done, I might be happier. She has been trying to control everything I do thinking that if she can force me to act a certain way, or stop doing certain things I enjoy (because she things they distract me from other things she approves of), then our marriage will be saved. But it feels like oppression on my end. I don’t want to be divorced but I also don’t want to be married anymore. Another issue this brings up for me is trying to decide if I’m being selfish in valuing my desires over our marriage. It’s really got me tied in knots.

All of our issues have been going on for about four years now, so maybe it’s just a long time coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier. We haven’t told the kids yet, and don’t plan to for a long while.

She has one year until she finishes her masters degree and asked if we can stay married until then for the finance part of things. She can’t afford to finish school without my income. And that’s a whole other thing to consider. Does something like that turn out in my favor in the divorce settlement, or should I be on the phone with a divorce lawyer to make sure I don’t get screwed? She’ll in theory make more money, which would lower my alimony I would think, but I have no knowledge of if that’s really how it would work.

Any advice on any of these comments is appreciated.