I should start off saying I met her at 25, she was my first everything, not so for her. So, it all started a few weeks ago at this point. She came home one Friday evening and told me she wanted me to move out in the coldest expression I have ever seen her use towards me. She told me she needed space to figure herself out and to figure out her life.

I knew she was having some issues with deaths in the family as her mom and grandfather had passed in the last couple years, so I agreed to let her have her space. At this point, the last 6 months to a year, we had been fighting pretty badly. She was overspending to the point where I had to ask my mother to help with bills, she was going out 3/4 nights a week and would only sometimes tell me when she’d be home. She was also consistently using my debit card to buy things or gift cards to restaurants without my permission. Sometimes she came home the next day without saying anything to me. I didn’t want to be the controlling husband, so I never tried to push for her to stay home, but I wanted us to be able to actually have time together.

I had learned about a year prior to her asking me to move out, that she had opened a credit card in my name without my knowledge or permission. I had always wondered how she paid to go out with friends and she told me they were paying. I never met any of these friends either. She also had a drinking problem. She would down a whole bottle of wine in a night several nights a week and when I would ask why she did it, it would always come back to if it was affecting me. She wouldn’t try to talk with me. After I moved out, I looked at my credit report and saw several more that she had maxed out without payment, tanking my credit.

I always thought to myself with all these issues that we’re married, we’ll figure it out and be stronger for it. That’s how I felt initially anyway.

I know there were some red flags that I saw and I don’t know if I chose to ignore them or what. The big ones were she told me that she was too depressed to come bury my father when he passed and the other was when she gave me the ultimatum to propose to her within six months or she’d leave.

I feel used, I feel like she just used me for my money that I had at the time and wanted to consistently go out like we did at the start before we moved in together and had bills. It just makes me wonder why she married me. I know I wasn’t perfect in this either as I was miserable at work for a few months doing 12-16hr days multiple days a week and then I was stressed out at home as well worrying about the finances that she would always yes me to death on when I tried to fix them. She wouldn’t show me her finances after I wanted to create a budget to get back on track. It got to the point where she told me that she didn’t like being around me because I was always miserable... I felt like I was alone and she didn’t seem to care. This was when I started feeling lack luster in the bed room from all the stress everywhere and she would ask me why we weren’t being intimate. I would tell her and she didn’t seem to want to try to work on it. She had asked for divorce a few days later after. This was the same time she told me she was no longer attracted to men, but told me in the same sentence that she was not gay. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I know there are two sides to every story. I feel like I tried my best to make our marriage work, but I still have the lingering thoughts on what could I have done better, what could I have messed up? Did me growing cold in the bed room push her away? Did I do everything I could to help her through any issue she had? I loved her so much and it still feels weird now. I still Flip flop if I want to be with her or not, thinking of someone else being with her and intimate with her makes me feel sick. I had hopes of a future together. It feels weird being so cold to her and vice versa. I’ve been told that I was holding onto an ideal of what we were and not reality. I’ve talked to therapists, friends, and family about all this. I don’t know if I’m having a hard time moving past this because she was my first everything or because I miss what I thought we had?

I guess I’m just looking for opinions or advice. I hope I can move forward and learn from all this, actually notice red flags next time. Im trying to take time for me. I just hope I’ll eventually get over this and won’t bring this into another relationship. Sorry for the long post.