Just dropping this here to get it off my chest and in the hopes that it helps someone.

So been with my wife for 21 years, married for 16 years. 2 kids 10 and 12.

When our youngest was born, she had post-natal depression and was a really horrible person to be around. We almost broke up at that point but went to marriage counselling where I told her everything she had said and done during that time and she said she was surprised I didn't leave. I was honest and said the kids were the only reason I didn't.

To be clear, I don't blame her for her behaviour in that time but being verbally and emotionally abused on an almost daily basis caused my view of her to change, even if I acknowledge she wasn't entirely in control of her actions.

Dealing with her behaviour pushed me in to depression and over the following decade I would every now and then realise that I didn't love her but would just wave it away and keep going as I didn't want to break the family up. During this time the big behavioural problems from the post-natal depression subsided but it has irreversibly changed her personality, she is much more negative, critical, and controlling than she was when we met, she is just not the same person. On top of this I have in recent years started going out more and making friends (i'm an introvert, never had much of a social life when I was younger) and have gained more confidence as a result that has allowed me to be a bit more emotionally honest with myself than I have been in the past.

Recently I couldn't lie to myself or her any more so told her I don't love her and we're done. This was extremely painful to her as she does still love me and didn't see it coming although she later admitted having some concerns herself but avoided saying anything as she feared this would be the result. She wanted to do counselling but I finally knew how I felt and was blunt that no amount of counselling would change how I felt. When I finally started being honest with myself I realised I haven't loved her for at least 5 years, probably longer and I have just been lying to both of us for years.

I get the keys to a rental house tomorrow and will be moving out in the next week. This has been an emotionally rough ride for both of us, a few things to note for others going through this.

* Don't be afraid to be sad. We had good years and I sat going through our wedding album blubbering like a small child the other week but it really helped me process what is happening.

* Telling the kids is the hardest thing you will ever do but do it together and don't assign blame. She wanted to tell them that breaking up was my decision which I felt was info they didn't need to know. If they ask I will tell them but I felt the nuance of leaving their mum but not them was too complicated for them to handle emotionally at their current ages.

* Get the kids involved if they seem to be handling things well. I took the kids to buy a mattress the other week and will be letting them pick their beds. I want their rooms in my house to feel like something they have chosen not just something strange that has been forced upon them.

* I was the instigator of this so have tried to be understanding and give her time to deal with it. I have made clear I am always there for her as a friend/co-parent if she needs it, including if she needs help doing things to the house that we own currently but she is hoping to be able to buy me out of. The house has some issues and i've said I will help her financially or with time to get them sorted even after she has bought the house from me.

* Your emotions will be all over the place, make sure you have someone you can talk to openly to get things off of your chest.

I'm really sad to be ending it but I know that it is the right thing to do for both of us. The alternative of keeping things going for years more will only give more time for resentment to form and for the breakup to be less amicable.

Starting again is scary. I relied on her for a lot so now I have to figure out how to pay bills, do the washing, cook. I've got to buy a load of furniture. It is scary but at the same time I feel positive for the future that I will be happier even if I am alone.

We're going to work to a plan that involves the kids eventually staying with me half the time, the thing I really wanted to avoid was being an "every other weekend dad" and I think we can do that.

The last couple of months have been extremely emotional but I am confident things will turn out right in the end.