Struggling

I don't even know where to begin this post honestly. I feel like I have a bowling ball in my gut. I feel lost.

My wife and I have been together for a total of 10 years. Married for 3. We have identical twin girls (2.5), a house, and dogs. We live in PA. Our relationship has been anything but stable over the past 6 years and the story goes all over the place.

My main concern and focus is the kids.

Context: My wife and I met in NA with about a year clean each. My wife had a very anti-recovery atmosphere at home and I decided to leave my sober house and get an apartment with her to get her out of there. We both stopped attending meetings and became co-dependent on each other completely. (I recognize this now but did not understand it back then.)

We dated for 7 years. Over those years there were many 'bumps' in the road. Everything was perfect up to year 3. My wife and I went to a new years party and I noticed how much she lit up socializing with everyone at the party. I hadn't seen that in our relationship in quite a while. We came home and I asked her to sit down so we could talk. When I called it out she admitted to me that she had been a 'chameleon' our entire relationship and decided she was going to move out and 'find herself'. She was gone for 8 months. Little contact here and there. I enjoy cooking and still dropped off food occasionally for her and her mother. One night my phone rang and it was her mother. She said that my wife was coming back. I said, "well this is the first I've heard of it" and about 10 minutes later she was coming in the door. She moved all her stuff back in but over time I noticed the person that came back was not the girl I had been dating. I decided I was going to learn this new version of her and that people change. In short our romantic relationship, and my love language went out the window. She became cold. She recoiled when I would go to hug her or kiss her. I had to chase her for sex - she didn't even try to initiate with me. She told me the first three years were the honeymoon stage of our relationship, and that was over and it was unfair of me to have expectations.

Queue 7 years of fighting, couples therapy ( learning her love language and making sure I did my best to meet ALL of her needs.), individual therapy, nothing seemed to be working. My needs did not matter and any time I would bring them up it was my fault for having them. I ignored every 'red flag' in front of me out of fear. I decided it would be better to stay in this relationship than to go it alone financially and emotionally. At every turning point life gave me an out, I reinvested. Every time we would fight and I would have a foot out the door she or her mother would suggest a vacation or "some time away to repair our relationship". I always got pulled back in. I'm not going to victimize myself, I stayed passive and out of fear stayed, but the manipulation and control issues are soaked throughout this when I look back now.

I filled that gap in our relationship with stuff. We ended up getting a dog during covid. When that wasn't enough we got another dog so the original had a friend. When she said she wanted to start looking for a house, instead of being honest with her, I went along with it. We got the (fixer upper) house and I slogged through learning how to repair a house ( which still isn't completely renovated.) At the start of our relationship we both agreed we did not want children. Less than a year into the house she approached me about having kids and how her "biological clock" was running out. I didn't protest and just saw it as a potential way to fix us, remediate our dead bedroom, and maybe have her chase me for a change. ( I feel awful typing that out. I do. I love my kids more than anything in the world but my reasons were wrong at the time.) We then had a court house marriage to get her on my insurance for the birth of the twins.

We got pregnant on the first try.

We found out we were having identical twins. Our entire world changed. We invested everything in the kids. Our relationship slipped away even further. Our issues continued through raising them. We were roommates and the resentments and animosity piled up. I got extremely depressed. I got my medical card and started MMJ. I kept it only in the evenings after the kids went to bed and quickly developed back into full blown addiction. I lied to her about keeping the MMJ card and kept doing it behind her back. I lost myself in all of this and started to see I was going back down a very dark path and got help.

Most of all I did not understand WHY I was doing it - it was like watching myself on auto pilot. I didn't want to feel anything or acknowledge what was happening.

( I worked 8 to 5 every day consistently, provided, made sure I was there for the twins - and to give her a break whenever she needed it but when I would try and go to see my friends, game, or go to the gym she always had a problem with it and reminded me that I needed to be here for my family. My wife worked full time once when we lived in the apartment but had gone part time with school, and then per diem after getting pregnant. My family covered watching the kids while she worked. )

During that time my wife just constantly reminded me of how much of a piece of shit I was and how I had ruined her life and how she'd never trust me again for relapsing.

I ate it all. Owned it. I know what I did. I accept what I did. I know an apology is worthless. The best I can do I change me and become the man I was meant to be.

She still whips it out and uses it as a baseball bat in every fight we have.

I've been sober for 6 months now. Fully plugged back in to meetings, homegroup, sponsor, and I'm seeing a therapist on the side.

The twins are 2.5 years old and are my world when I'm not working or at meetings twice a week. Our relationship never recovered. I'm learning how to stand up for myself and have started to call out the things I am not okay with ranging from her refusing to use soap at bath time, to leaving the house a complete disaster after meals and leaving mountains of dishes in the sink that I do when I come home, to refusing to make the kids wear pull ups (they're potty training) - and when we are out they poop and pee all over their clothes and shoes. The list is enormous and I can't take it any more. If I don't do it - it doesn't get done. When I call things out she said she wants me to be able to communicate what I want for them but, just like our relationship, goes back to what she wants to do days or a week later.

We had a 3 hour fight over shampoo. I bought head and shoulders at the doctors recommendation for their cradle cap and have been using it at bath time. ( I also bought a baby soap so we aren't using it every night.) and she lost her mind about chemicals in soap and how its going to hurt them. But to me its better than them smelling like pee and taking milk baths every night that aren't actually cleaning their bodies. (basic hygiene).

I don't know how many times I tried to communicate what I needed in this relationship. I wanted to feel desired, chased, I wanted to be able to give her a hug or kiss her or hold her hand without her recoiling. She FINALLY acknowledged she had been cold and ignoring my needs for six years and would try. It lasted a week.

We end up in the same cycle. I get sucked back in and fully recommit, it gets better for a period, and then gets worse.

I finally snapped this past weekend. I've been in process of a job interview the past month - 3 interviews - one onsite. The recruiter said I would see the job offer by end of the week. Not just an offer, a way to move forward in my career with a very significant pay bump. She was supportive through the entire process up until I told her about their healthcare benefits. Turns out they're worse than my last company.

Context: She refused to get on my current employers healthcare plan because I asked her to cover the difference. ( she's been in school our entire relationship, works per diem, and just started her own business as a psych NP as of 2 months ago. She's been dragging her feet and while I study every evening she's watching TV. I ask her about the business and she's always too tired, or the kids were too much, or she worked on her feet all day. She's at home three days a week with the kids and my mom covers the other two so she can work. She said individual insurance is insane and has gone without. I want to be clear here - when I come home I always encourage her to go to some time for herself or if shes up to it come with us and play, I do dinner, bath time, and then she helps with bed time. On the weekends I often cover for her if she has a shift to pick up or take the kids so she can do whatever she has to do.)

She let it go until I got the official offer on Friday. I told her I was going to take it. She snapped. She said she didn't understand how it was going to "benefit her". I said its an extra $K a year its for the family. She said but she's not getting healthcare out of it and its going to make her life more "stressful". My family offered to make up the extra hour ( as we both leave the house early). I just walked away - instead of taking it I postponed it and it hasn't come through yet. ( really hoping I didn't fuck myself.)

We had a discussion Friday night and I told her I was done. The job was the final straw. I can't do this relationship anymore. The kids have kept me going but I can't handle our constant up and down. We can't go a week without fighting. When I ask her not to do it in front of the kids she pushes until I explode. I said I would rather the kids have two healthy parents a part then continue to set the example we have been in front of them. (I moved all my shit to my office and have been sleeping in the basement.) She lost it said how I ruined her life, how I was taking the kids away from her by forcing us to do day care, how she wasn't going to be able to afford housing on her own, and how all she wanted was to raise the kids and now someone else ( daycare) was going to do it. She took it a step further and said she no longer wanted my family watching the kids and said I would have to split full time day care with her. I refused. I said we have a perfectly good option for free care with my family and the twins love them. Why would I take that time and connection away from them?

I haven't filed yet. I know I need to. I was going to wait until I got this job offer and now that might be off the table. My emotions are all over the place but every time I talk to someone and go through it all in my head I find peace in knowing that while, yes, this is going to be a rough road, yes, this is going to be tough for the kids, that somewhere down the line is some form of peace. Sorry for dumping all of this but thank you for letting me get it out.