Over a year ago I told my now ex-wife (married 11 years) that I was looking at apartments to move out. There was no fight.

Over the years I told her that I needed to know that she loved me, even if we were fighting. I asked her for one real kiss a day, more than an obligatory peck when she got home and one before bed. I asked her to show that I mattered, that we were a priority. To not be so mean and hurtful when we argued. But that never changed.

At one point she asked my why I was still with her, and my response was “because I love you”, when I asked her the same question in that moment she said “because I feel guilty”.

I had moved across the country twice to support her career (with no guaranteed prospects for mine) because I knew it was good for hers. I got lucky and progressed in my company despite that. After moving twice for her career, she told me that if I found an opportunity to advance my career that she would do the same for me.

She continued to be mean and hurtful when we argued. And when I had an opportunity to apply for a developmental program (with guaranteed promotion upon completion) in many metros across the US, I sat down with her and looked at the opportunities. She said nothing. I asked her weeks later, as the application window was closing, where she would be willing to move so I could decide where to apply. After pushing and pushing, Her response was “I’m not going to move for your bullshit job”. And “they wouldn’t choose you over someone local”. I dropped it and moved on.

At one point we got into a seemingly small argument, and she refused to talk or make any effort to reconcile (this wasn’t unusual). For 4 weeks she refused to talk. At then end of those 4 weeks she flew to her home country to visit family while telling me that her family knew about our issues and would try to convince her to not return.

At no point did she attempt to fix anything, and would refuse to speak to me when I tried to have a conversation.

While she was gone I began looking for an apartment. When she returned I told her such. Never once did she ask me to stay.

I moved out. I filed for divorce.

The court finally executed the divorce last week.

For over a year I waited for this expecting to be glad it was finalized. But the day I received the paperwork, all I did was cry.

I think of her too often. I think of how good we could have been. How good we could have had it. All the things we could have done/had together. I think of all this knowing how bad she was able to make me feel.

Why?