I apologize, I just feel like I need to vent somewhere and not keep these thoughts/feelings internalized. This is a bit of a long rant and I don't expect any replies.. I've written a lot in terms of journaling over the past two months, to help myself feel better and to make sense of things. But I'm also alone in this house, I'm alone almost all of the time right now. I guess I just felt like it wouldn't hurt to write somewhere other than just for myself.

My wife left almost two months ago -- our divorce likely will be final in weeks. I respect her decision to leave and we have been on good terms. It isn't because of infidelity or anything either one of us did specifically -- although I wasn't as good as a partner as I should have been at times. It's complicated. I think my mental health issues strained her as she was dealing with her own. I was too open about my problems with her (I've come to understand that this is a boundary issue) - and she wasn't able to express to me how she felt or her needs, sometimes. One issue that became a primary issue, was an incompatibility in regard to intimacy. I hate typing this but if we're not meant to reconcile, it would make some sense... I require some level of touch, physical affection, emotional intimacy. She has gone through times where she's wondered if she's asexual. She experienced a lot of abuse in the past from two previous boyfriends.. Unfortunately, it encompasses physical, emotional and sexual abuse in nature.

It's made her understandably very, very closed off. There was one time since we'd been married that she tried to initiate anything intimate in that way with me, just for an example. I do not blame her for this in any way. In fact, I feel devastated for her. It was not always like this for her. This is my fault, but I learned far too late how to listen to her about how she felt as well.. as being quiet is how I'd perceive her -- often believing things were fine, when they may not have been. She just didn't want to be a burden and if she brought something up, often it would be downplayed quite a bit. Again, this is just my perception or how I perceived things at the time.. A few months before she left, I read a book about cPTSD and things kind of clicked for me, for the first time. How long had I not really been hearing her? In hindsight, I feel sick considering this. I feel completely awful that I likely was not fulfilling her needs or giving her what she needed. Even if that's something I wanted to do.. I feel like I walked all over her sometimes without even realizing it.

We both tried hard to make each other happy. And we truly loved one another. We were both dealing with personal issues.. anxiety, codependency.. our apartment burned down and my father was murdered in the same span of time. Just before we planned to get married. She was just trying to start her career and had several setbacks which affected her sense of self-worth. I tried hard to be supportive of her through that but she is an extremely hard working person and deserved more good to come her way. I hated that it was so tough for her.

I think that in some ways the traumatic experiences affected me much, much more deeply than I was able to process (I was in the apartment when it was on fire.. my father and I were estranged at the time of his death) -- I tried very hard to keep everything together for her and for us, and for myself and I did a bad job.. I wasn't actually emotionally available or ever relaxed. I lacked emotional regulation. I wasn't present often enough. I didn't give her enough space when she needed it. I'd confront her about our intimacy issues and would be unfair (I feel). I didn't realize that at the time because I felt hurt. I wasn't being fair to her and I understand that now.. and I hate that I was so self-centered.

In some ways it does make sense that we're no longer together. And I sincerely want her to be happy. I've been taking this time to learn and deal with my own personal issues.. I've sought therapy and have been reading books about issues like CPTSD, codependency, anxiety. I've been going to a gym.. working pretty hard to be a better version of myself.

I don't know that I put 100% stock into this, but my therapist has really revealed parts of our relationship that I didn't understand at all (such as I'm an anxiously attached person and she likely is avoidant because of childhood neglect/trauma). I just wish I knew how she felt more. But I understand and respect that she may not even know herself or it's too painful in general to open up about her feelings. It's complicated.

I'm trying so hard to just.. make sense of everything. The life we planned to share -- it's now going to just be a memory. She experienced so much abandonment (emotionally and otherwise) as a child... I tried so hard to be the person who would never neglect or leave her like that.. I know how that feels too.

As much as I can journal my feelings/thoughts and rationalize everything about this (in a positive way), I have to just.. express this deep, deep sadness somewhere as well. I've had a lot of downs (and a few ups) in the past two months.. but for some reason today, it's just really hit me like a ton of bricks -- directly in my heart, that she really is gone and won't be coming back.

She had no one really show her that they were there for her consistently for her entire life and I think it taught her that she has to be entirely self-reliant. She experienced a dearth of conditional love too. No one ever really showed her that they cared unless they needed or wanted something from her in return.

I do think she tried extremely hard at times, and she did certainly love me. There's just so much I wish I knew about how she felt inside at the time.. I wish she was able to trust me with her feelings instead of smiling and "bearing" life. Understanding that she likely had many things which bothered her in life but couldn't tell me feels devastating.

That I'll only have memories, I won't get a chance to make her dinner again or rub her back after work. Or be her support when something is difficult in her life. All of those things gave me a great sense of purpose.

It's clear to me as well that I'd become deeply codependent, put her "on a pedestal" and at some point was not the version of me that she had wanted to marry. I deeply, deeply hate this. I have.. a lot of fault. But I've decided that if I never have a chance to try with her one more time to have a life together, to try to make things work -- I need to do all of these things for myself. And because I cannot change the past, also for her.

She has been nothing but nice to me post-separation, though when we speak it is typically brief and infrequent (once a week or so). I know there are others out there whose SO just leaves without a trace. Things could be much worse in that regard. It still just... stings.. so much.. I wish she and I could sit and talk for a while.. for closure. I realize also that a lot of this feeling I have is self-centered and revolves around a need that I have myself for this.

Because of this, I've given her total space and only write to her if she writes to me first. But I also know that, as the type of person she is, there may be a good chance that she may feel this way too.. that she may actually miss me and miss the good things about our life together.

At one point early on, she told me that she didn't bring these kinds of things up because she didn't want me to feel hurt. She 100% tries to protect others feelings this way and always has. I just.. want to tell her one last time that I love her. Two months with her gone and just today I collapsed in tears for hours. I've cried plenty.. and I've missed her. But not like today.

She said to me that I am important to her and she'd like to try to remain friends with me. It's very hard for me to imagine my life without her in it. We were best friends for 5 years before we ever dated. She was the best friend I ever had but I know things likely can't ever really be the same, even as friends.

At some point in the past, I really stopped learning how to love myself, and I lost my sense of self worth. I'm trying to re-learn this. I realize that part of how I feel is because I invested too many feelings, in an unhealthy way, into her. I hate that. But I know that now.

In no way do I want to try to come across as some kind of victim here. I am not and there is plenty I am at fault for. I caused her unhappiness and pain at times, as well. I just have to.. get this all out. It's still devastating for me at times that things couldn't work out, that things happened the way they did. I don't know that I'd have ever given up on our marriage, for better or for worse I suppose. I just.. still feel this strong sense of dedication to her. I'm sure codependency plays a part in that... just venting. Even though she left, I still want to help her.. and be here for her. If something happened to her or her family, I know I'd be there for her (or them) instantly.

I'm also mourning the loss of her family, taking me in as their own. My family is very small and frankly, falling apart. Being a part of her family was so important to me. Doing things for them.. just.. being a part of it. Two people from her family reached out to me after our separation to check on me and they both thanked me for the good I brought into her life. I cried. I am crying now, thinking about it. I'm just.. going to miss them. My family brought her in with open arms as well.. and they also are dealing with missing her. I just genuinely don't know if this is something that's hard for her too. I'm struggling dealing with these question marks, I guess. I know things will heal in time.

We both have problems that we need to work through on our own.. she said once after leaving that she really wishes she was better before we got together. I feel exactly the same way about myself. Neither one of us realized how much we needed to work on ourselves.. and of course, we helped each other through so much. I'm re-learning how to do this on my own. She wasn't financially able to keep our house, so she moved back in with her mom. She's agreed to let me keep this house. I'm extremely lucky about that.

It's just.. for right now.. this house is so quiet.. I see her everywhere.. I feel haunted by our memories and all of the great times we had. A lot of them are fresh but they will fade with time. It is part of healing as well.. but in this moment it's extremely sad for me.

I feel that if she does miss me.. she's not able to even tell me because it's painful for her or because she may be afraid I'd take it the wrong way. Or I wish I knew if she didn't miss me and isn't looking back at all. It would be okay either way, but it would help me to move on, just to know..

Because I don't want the chance that it may not be what you need to hear.. I'll tell you this here instead of directly: I want you to know that I love you and I miss you. Sometimes so much it feels unbearable. I'm so sorry if I took happiness from your cup to fill my own. If I did, I genuinely did not realize it. Looking back, I think that happened. I wish I'd have known how you felt so much more. A big part of that is my fault. I thought I was but I wasn't listening to you. But most importantly, I'm sorry. I'm going to try to move on now. I hope you find happiness. I hope you someday find (and feel) the kind of unconditional, constant love that you deserve. Even if the only kind of love you require is within yourself... you deserve nothing less. You are special and you are valued. I love you, I miss you and I'm sorry.