What I learned while going through Hell...and what (I hope) can work for you

Crosspost "What I learned while going through Hell....and what (I hope) can work for you (MALE PERSPECTIVE)" from /r/Divorce:

1. Get professional help (FOR YOURSELF) - I NEVER thought I would go to see a therapist. NEVER. NO WAY....but I did. The best thing you can do for yourself (regardless of if you think you have mental health issues or not) is have someone in your corner. A therapist can be that AND WILL BE THAT for you. They can help you cope with the feelings you are having while going through a divorce (in my case....my wife left me). My therapist helped me build confidence back up in myself. Helped me understand what I needed to focus on to become a better version of myself. Helped me with the depression & anxiety (I had before she left) and the depression & anxiety that occurred solely because of the divorce. As a man...I get it. We ain't suppose to look for help or show weakness. It's hard to stop and say "You know what I need help". It was a very humbling experience to pick up the phone and call random people you don't know and say I need help cause I'm not doing well. Although it was tough, it was the greatest thing I could have done. I absolutely believe my therapist was a godsend for me. Without her I'm not sure I would have came out of divorce the way I did. The first time I went to see her....yeah I felt like a schmuck. Everytime after that, I looked forward to it. Yeah we talked about the divorce, my marriage, etc. but we also talked about me and I learned SO MUCH about myself. I went once a week and after each meeting I would leave so much happier like a giant boulder had been taken off my chest. It was a safe place to let myself be vulnerable and she was there to help coach me through the range of emotions I was feeling. I BEG YOU.....get support from a professional during this time. You will be so much better off if you do. If you can't afford it....look into divorce/male support groups in your area. They are all free to join. Participants will either have gone through a divorce or some other traumatic event and can help coach you through it. At the very least it can be a place to get all of your thoughts/feelings out of you.
2. Don't Hide Yourself away - It's hard to want to even get out of bed (especially when the words "I want a divorce" are fresh in your mind). Don't sit around all day and mope. Yes, take the time to grieve (it's 100% healthy to do). Just don't make it your only activity. Do things to keep your mind busy. It doesn't have to be anything grand. I liked to go to the grocery store or department store and just walk around. This helped me in multiple ways. I didn't feel as much alone since others were around me. It also felt good to plain old "get out of the house". On Saturday mornings I would put on my favorite music/podcast and go on long walks in the park. Stay active....this doesn't mean you have to go out to the local bars all the time or be with friends 24/7. Just find things to keep you active and moving when things get slow and you find yourself alone with your thoughts.
3. Stay Physically Active and Take Care of Yourself - I was a gym rat growing up and ate very well. Like most, when I got married this activity got to be less and less. Take this time to invest in YOU. Exercise is a great stress reliever and will help keep you from getting depressed. On top of that will improve how you look physically. This also goes with tip #2. Doing this will keep your mind busy and help you with a lot of the negative feelings you have. Plus I met people since becoming a regular at the gym again. Not into weights? No problem. I would (and still do) go to the gym everyday after work. You could go on a daily walk/run, yoga, bike ride, etc.....whatever is your speed. Make sure to eat well. Your body will need it for all the working out, but also because a healthy diet promotes your mental health as well.
4. Lean for support from a FEW family members or friends - In the beginning I was guilty of telling anyone and everyone who would listen to my story. Don't do that. Find a few people who you will lean on for support. You can tell others your getting a divorce, but when it comes to the details keep your circle small (no more than 6 people). I found that if you tell too many people 2 things happen. First, you just keep reliving experiences/feelings over and over again vs. talking them out and being done. Second, everyone has a opinion and your not in a place mentally to be able to listen to many of them. You want a close knit support network you can lean on. If possible find people you know will be there for you day and night. I had a friend who would answer his phone at 3AM if he had to and talk to me till I felt better.
5. You’ll take steps backwards but that’s okay. There were many days I would feel great. I’d go 2 weeks without thinking about my wife. I’d sit around and go whoa I haven’t thought about this in forever. Then out of no where a day would happen where I couldn’t get her off my mind. I learned how to become more aware of my feelings and thoughts. Accept that it was okay that I had looked back on things again. It’s a process and not one that happens over night. The longer your in the process the easier it will get.
6. It’s okay to have feelings. In the beginning I would have feelings of sadness, regret, guilt, etc. name the feeling and I had it. What I ended up learning was that instead of trying to run away from my feelings it was better to embrace them. If I wanted to ball my eyes out I did. I didn’t fight it and to be honest I felt so much better after having a feeling and being honest with myself about processing it. I even wrote my ex a good bye letter. I poured my feelings into that letter and cried my eyes out doing it. I didn’t give it to her. I wrote it. Embraced how I felt. Then threw the letter away. I felt a lot better after doing that.
7. The feeling of I’m going to be alone forever because the person I loved most pretty much told me how much of a bad person I am. It’s really just your anxiety talking and you need to coach yourself overtime to realize that. You’ll only be alone if you choose to be alone. If you don’t want to be alone than you won’t. About 6 months after my wife told me she never really loved me and sent me papers on Christmas Eve. Then called the cops on me when I tried to confront her on how nice of a person she is to send them on that day. I (on a whim) worked up the encouragement to ask a co worker out on a date. Of course she knew my situation but not all the dirty details. I made it clear that let’s just see what happens. No time tables. No pressure. No expectations. 6 months later and were still together and I look back on things with my ex wife and see all the things I didn’t have. Communication is 100% better. I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Sex is great. We literally just can sit on the couch doing nothing for hours but talking (and the time just flies by!)
8. I guess this one only applies to certain people but. My wife divorced me (I still really don’t know why but per her) - I didn’t go out enough, I had anxiety, depression, was physical (I punched a door once), I didn’t take promotions that I was given at work (not sure where this came from lol took 2 while I was married and TURNED down jobs because SHE didn’t want to move). Ehh but whatever lol I digress. It’s wasted energy at this point. I think a lot of the time people get divorced thinking there is such thing as the perfect relationship, perfect spouse, perfect life, etc. not knowing that marriage is hard no matter what. So they let good things go. I’ve been told by soooo many people their daughter, freind, co worker, were so dissapointed to know I had a girlfriend because they thought my ex wife was a idiot for letting me go and wanted to take a chance with me. So what I’m getting at here (and maybe I’m only speaking for myself) but after all the pain and bullshit and shitty things my ex wife did to me. I honestly look back on it now and go wow. She did me such a favor and I just didn’t realize at the time.

In closing your not alone. People love you regardless of your divorced or not. Life will go on I promise you. It’s a hell of a fight but if your willing to go in the ring each day no matter if you get knocked flat on your ass or not.

YOUR GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!

Much love everyone!