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No_more_BPD_2020 Archive

View 5 posts and 717 comments by No_more_BPD_2020 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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5

Check out r/bpdlovedones for a while and see if you notice any similarities. I was told personality disorders are virtually unchangeable outside of small tweaks, and after marriage i needed like 80% change. Mine had a lot of rules about germs falling on counters and whatnot. Lots of lonleyness then i get too close so she gets angry and pushea me away. I couldnt stand fighting 24/7 anymore, or being kept awake nightly because she had to talk or fight or dreamed about something I did. We has fun a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/23 10:24 AM
1

Hang in there man. It does get better!
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 05:27 AM
1

You said it better than me. Did she future fake you? Not gonna lie, even after everything I still want to believe LOL
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 03:52 AM
1

Best advice I got was from a therapist in the midwest that had seen it all. He said if I go to a party, feel an instant connection to someone, like I found my soulmate, to turn around and run out the door. He's right, everyone I fell head over heels for had characteristics of a PD in retrospect. But other warning signs are always being a victim, no friends, history of instability, gaslighting, love bombing, stuff like that. I'm no expert, that's just off the top of my head.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 03:27 AM
1

One of the best things I did for myself was audition a bunch of therapists and work with the ones I liked the best. Worth every penny for the EMDR. Turns out I married someone with a personality disorder (BPD) like my mom. I had no idea. Personality disordered exes seem to be pretty common around here.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 03:21 AM
5

Cali here. I urge you with concern to talk to an attorney before making any plans. There are a million rules of things you can and can't do prior to filing and within certain timeframes, it would be very easy to get on the wrong side of things by accident. A consultation should be free. Best of luck to you! Super glad to see you're here.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 03:15 AM
2

I know this sucks. You're in your 20s and don't have kids, it will never get any easier than it is today to start fresh. It really is going to be OK. Therapy helped me a lot through the process. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 02:43 AM
1

I brought a girl over but no sex o rlly?
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 02:41 AM
3

Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance, which results in resentment by both parties. This is a very good point. That's not how I want to live.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 06:00 PM
20

Went to couples counseling and literally said I was 100% responsible for all the conflict. How can anybody say that with a straight face.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 12:08 AM
8

Just a heads up. I know it sounds awful to hear someone tell you to get a DNA test. This is one of the best subs on Reddit, most times their advice is spot on. Including this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 11:06 PM
2

> TL;DR it's cheaper, faster, and less hassle
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 12:54 AM
2

I had to go to therapy 3 times a week to get through. Now I'm down to twice a week with a much better therapist. There's a ton of feelings but I'm not near as angry. Didn't happen over night, that's for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 06:02 AM
1

FWIW, I notice a few similarities in our stories. There's a sub called r/BPDlovedones, and they recommend some books like 'stop walking on eggshells' that I found to be quite helpful. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/22 10:26 PM
1

My wife has BPD. Near the end of our marriage, I felt like this, too. Tons of therapy helped me. Hang in there!!
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 10:01 PM
2

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 05:51 PM
2

All too often I think guys willingly walk into trap wishing for the best. I did this. A ton of therapy later, I'm doing much better. Life is funny.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:46 PM
1

>I looked it up and was put onto "Covert Narcissist". Once you know something about Cluster-B patterns, you spot it pretty quick. I was skimming to see if there was a diagnosis because I noticed similarities to my story. There's a group called r/BPDlovedones that has helped me a lot. Guys on here can help you much better about the legal stuff. I can tell you that in my state, the longer before the filing, the more options I had with the finances. I'd also encourage you to seek legal council ASAP…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 03:18 PM
3

Guess I could have explained that. The TL;DR was that I didn't know all that because we had a long distance relationship and she hid it. The deeper reason is she has BPD like my mom, so I didn't see the red flags since they were normal to me. 20/20 hindsite and all that. BPD seems fairly common around here.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 02:57 PM
8

My wife didn't work, couldn't clean, drive, lift anything over a pound, or really cook, so we went out to eat easy 6 times+ per week. Those were the good parts of our relationship. Wish I were joking. I say that to say this, I was told by 4 or 5 therapists that most of the relationship had to work, like 85-90% of it. In my case, 95% of it didn't work. I found myself giving up hope for our relationship bit by bit, until there was just nothing left. I went to maybe 6 therapists of different types …
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 06:17 AM
4

Man, I quickly realized that I needed to talk to someone, and my friends/family were not equipped to hear it. That's my way of saying post here whenever you feel the need. I wound up talking to a therapist 3 times a week for I think a year. I still go once a week. One of the best things to come of all this. Stay strong!
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 05:21 AM
4

It took a lot out of me to get it all down on paper. The beginning is the hardest part. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 06:26 PM
1

I'd encourage you to audition/consult 3 therapists and 3 attorneys and pick one of each to work with. Also paternity test. Maybe you'll hit the lottery.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 06:24 PM
1

On a side note, happy cake day!
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 05:26 PM
2

I'll be darned. I had no idea. This is literally like the best news I've heard in ages. Good luck, brother. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 10:51 PM
12

My advice? Don't paint the red flags green.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 04:37 PM
1

You can request that the payment be used as a partial or total credit towards ultimate spousal support. Your attorney tell you what your odds of this succeeding are? I just assumed we'd get zero credit for anything.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 07:59 PM
5

My boss has a similar situation. Hoping you get finished soon.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 04:28 AM
4

This guy communicates.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 01:33 AM
4

CA here. These guys can tell you better, just to tell you the beginning was the worst part for me, I had so many questions. I'd encourage anyone considering filing to interview several attorneys, and go with the one you feel the best about. They can also advise you on what you can and can't do financially, etc before filing. It's strict, I had no idea. Wish you all the best!
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 06:24 PM
3

My thoughts exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 04:49 AM
2

I hear you, man. The beginning was the hardest part. It truly does get easier. Therapy helped me enormously.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/22 08:31 PM
3

Your attorney can answer these questions. Another person said it best, strap in. I had to abandon all concepts of fairness or affordable. Those had no bearing on my divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 11:33 PM
1

I think you showed great restraint in that situation, and hats off to you for keeping things civil. My ex has some combination of Cluster B traits that I can't live with. That's as close of a diagnosis as I'm ever going to get. By the time I filed, she had utterly destroyed me emotionally. I was so completely shattered. I was able to get enough therapy to get through the thing, and now I still go often to resolve some of the reasons(turns out my mom has BPD) that I sought out my wife in the firs…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 05:25 AM
6

My ex has BPD like my mom did. I had no idea about either before I initiated the divorce. It took a lot, a lot of outside support(therapists etc) to be able to do it. Felt like the end of the world. I still hate that it couldn't work, but I'm 1000 times better off emotionally. She destroyed me. Near the end, all I had were health scares, and wanting to drink(never touch the stuff), and disgust for the person I'd become. She broke me into tiny little pieces, but with a lot of work, I'm back toget…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 05:18 AM
3

I hear you, I was in the same place at the beginning too. I wish someone had suggested to me to interview 3 attorneys and to pick the one I liked best. Some of the best advice I got was that most divorces start out amicably, but don't end up that way. Take the advice of your lawyer. As I understand it, she gets half of everything, including debt. If you pay off things it's free money for her. My lawyer told me to not be too crazy in giving away stuff, because we may need that leverage later. Tur…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 12:28 AM
3

That's my fear. I want her to be amicable, Most divorces start this way. I was told very few end like it, however.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 09:44 PM
3

Save your emotions for therapy. As always, this sub gives the best advice on reddit. To add to the above point, my friend who used to be a divorce attorney always advised her clients to hire a therapist. She'd tell her clients they're going to want to talk, and she'll listen, but she charges $600 an hour.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 09:42 PM
1

I know a little something about BPD. Cluster B is so common around this sub. r/BPDlovedones helped me a ton. So did a lot of reading, videos, and therapy, including EMDR. I married someone with BPD just like my mom. Had no idea.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 12:00 AM
3

My lawyer realized that it was completely unfair to me and even thought the bottom one was still being too generous to her My attorney convinced me not to give everything away. I was being too generous. Glad they did.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 10:27 PM
3

Did couples counseling. She bailed quickly when it didn't go her way. Went to 4 or 5 therapists of different backgrounds to see if I was doing the right thing. That helped put out the spark of hope. Also r/BPDlovedones helped a bunch.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/22 06:33 PM
4

It's the other lawyers job to okee doke you into accepting the worst deal possible for you. Other guys will be here in a second to say it better. Hang in there, man. You will get through this!
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 10:38 PM
11

I was afraid of that. I started out that way too. Started. Guys will pile in with better words than me, so I'll just say if she has one and you don't, you will get a bad deal.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 10:26 PM
7

What did your attorney say? Mine told me not to be so fast to give out a penny, because we needed that as a bargaining chip. The lawyer was right, ofc. Saved me from giving up way too much.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 10:23 PM
2

Good luck, brother! Please post often.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 12:19 AM
10

Not even kidding, I'm always astounded at how solid most of the advice is on this sub. The truth has a certain ring to it. OP, I can tell you therapy has helped me immensely. In fact, I tried a handful of different ones before proceeding with the divorce to try and get a different answer. So glad I did. I still go weekly.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:05 PM
7

I underestimated the emotional roller coaster the whole process would be. Therapy helped me a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 11:38 PM
2

You tried. All you can do. I think I got banned or a warning for posting so many suggestions to go to r/Divorce_Men on there . It was clearly not a place for any dissenting opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 04:17 AM
6

He had a few hundred grand in assets. Wife had like 50k in student loans with no assets Trust, this makes me want to say a lot of things that would be unprintable. This is potentially a tragedy in the making, financially speaking. I understand though, I walked into a similar trap. Wife had no income at all, and I was in love, didn't protect myself. Live and learn. Edit-I feel sick reading this. You did him a solid. I hope he heard you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 02:36 AM
3

combine all pre-marital assets LOL yeah well I'm guessing an attorney trying to protect his financial interests wouldn't give this advice. If you're 21 and have no assets, that's one thing. Good on you for at least trying to give some good advice. I think I went there a few times but that was enough.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 12:38 AM
1

Can relate.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/22 08:59 PM
2

LOL
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/22 11:44 PM
1

Truth
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 11:49 PM
1

My boss is in his second or third forensic accounting right now, looking at lifetime support after giving her over half a mil cash. I'd never marry in this state again. Glad to hear you didn't get the life sentence!
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 10:08 PM
5

CA here. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. You have my sympathies, man. Good luck to you, let us know what happens!
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 10:01 PM
2

Man, I can relate so much more than I would like to. Honestly one of the best things I've ever done in my life was audition like 4 or 5 different therapists. These days I see one that insurance pays for and one that I pay out of pocket but good therapists are hard to find so its worth it. I didn't even know I had so much trauma in my background, grew up with personality disordered parents and endless fights and dysfunction. EMDR has helped me enormously, as well as taking classes in communicatio…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 08:32 PM
3

I had a similar situation. Every day was filled with utter misery and I didn't want to come home from work. Therapist #4 or 5 talked to me about BPD and I realized I'd married someone like my mom who had it too. Therapy and a good friend helped me find the strength. Lotta therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 06:17 AM
7

Same. Did it anyway. Whoops.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/22 11:32 PM
2

don't know / don't care anymore. Not my monkey, not my circus. That was my eventual conclusion.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/22 04:37 PM
4

You don't really know your partner until you meet them in court. Why haven't I heard this before. So true.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/22 05:22 AM
3

Usually they smile when they slip the knife in so you don't even notice. Lawyers are professional negotiators. That sounds like nonsense that they can bargain away and pretend they're giving something up but really aren't. Hardball tactic. Did you say you're giving her the house and no alimony, nothing? Well skip to my lou my darling you're walking on sunshine, relatively speaking. Congrats! Remember to buy a ferrari after its over. That'll really piss her off LMAO
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/22 05:00 PM
4

I think it's completely normal to have moments of contemplating going back. It's normal, just our humanity. Good on you for asking people about it instead of acting, which might have felt better for the moment. You sound pretty solid, personally I started going to therapy, and it has helped me immensely. Super decent of you to talk to the guy, and it's something I would have done at one time. Today, it would be a boundary I wouldn't cross. I don't want to be a 3rd party to her relationships and …
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/22 06:11 AM
2

When she wanted to argue it would go until 3am. The argument would cycle fully 2-3 times, which I always knew would happen. I’d finally get her calm and try to go to sleep and within 30 minutes it would start again. She was happy to argue in front of the kids and in public. Oh, how I can relate. The circular arguments with ever shifting topics, she'd wake up at 2 am and had a dream she wanted to fight about, or wanted to fight more about something from a week ago, fighting at a restaurant, with …
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 07:26 AM
2

It's sad and frustrating. At best.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 12:50 AM
1

Fair enough, my bad.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 12:20 AM
1

Man, lucky you she took those!! What I would have given for her to do the same. You really dodged a truck there. I hear you about staying up late just to gather yourself. PDs are so very cruel to everyone affected by them. I only wish I could press a button to make them well.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 12:18 AM
2

Did a few of us marry BPD women here? Been here a few years, found it to be a common thread. Everytime I hear someone mention circular arguments, random fits of anger, physical and mental exhaustion, etc I always try to mention I discovered my wife and mom had characteristics of BPD, and r/BPDlovedones was a big help. Often the poster replies back their wife had been diagnosed or a therapist had mentioned it or something. I was told if I can't accept my wife's behavior as-is, to get out because …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 11:01 PM
2

Sorry to hear about your dad. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 10:51 PM
3

I did 10 months, and that destroyed me. She keep you up at night? I'd have to work like 14 hours on 3 hours of sleep. The health scares due to racing heartbeat during fights were a part of the last straws. I read they find partners who are conflict adverse(my PD parents fought every day and night as a kid). I started becoming really bitter that I was a servant for my wife and held hostage by her fits of rage. I was too exhausted from work and no sleep to fight with her over eating out maybe 10 t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 10:46 PM
3

I'm not sure any of us knew what we were getting into. The anecdotes sound impossible at first, but the truth has a certain ring to it, you know it when you hear it. My divorce attorney said she always tells her clients to hire a therapist, because her clients are going to want to talk, and she charges $400 an hour. I'll be damned if she wasn't right, at least in my case. I wound up going to therapy 3 times a week to hold myself together, and thank heaven I did. You will get through this, friend…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/22 04:57 AM
3

You’ll see that the advice given to you here is spot on Once in a while I'll see someone give IMO bogus fantasy advice, but for the most part, the stuff based on experience is freaking priceless. I see it on here every day, guys walking into the lions den without even a hint at what awaits. I just wish the horror stories were an exaggeration. Now that I've been in the system, I know anytthing is possible.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/22 04:42 AM
1

I can tell you I found my attorney by a recommendation by a friend who had worked for them. I don't have much to judge by but it got done.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/22 01:13 AM
18

Her attorney is going to tell her the easiest and cheapest way to do this is by getting you put in jail. It's a divorce life-hack. One of the reasons why I always tell people to discuss with their attorney asap how to protect themselves legally. You did OP a solid by typing this.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/22 01:11 AM
3

Personally, I tried to negotiate with my wife. Lawyer said it was a bad idea. If you don't have a lawyer and she does you are being outflanked.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/22 01:11 AM
1

Good on you. Wish I'd gotten multiple consultations. I wound up in therapy 3 times a week to get through it. Needed someone to listen so I didn't tell the wrong people my life story. Hang in there, and please post often!
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 08:52 PM
3

This is one of the last places on the internet where men can speak freely. Wouldn't be surprised if it gets banned in a while. Surprised its lasted this long. I think there are some websites with mens divorce forums? I lost the link somewhere along the way. Dunno what the content is like. This sub is a special place.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 08:45 PM
4

I'd encourage you to follow your attorney's advice.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 07:43 PM
5

I can tell you that even though my wife was destroying me it still was extremely difficult to do. I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist and a lawyer before breathing a word of this to anyone. I talked to I think 5 trying to find one that could save the marriage, then one told me about BPD and everything came together. Good luck, please post often!
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 01:53 AM
2

Broken record here but talk to your lawyer. There's a bunch of rules and you don't want to break thm.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 06:56 AM
2

I made sure I was extra nice, and super helpful just to prevent any meltdowns before the papers were signed and finalized. I hear you. I kept telling myself I have to keep my eye on the prize, and not make issues. I sent my ex-pwBPD to lots of doctors and therapists and you already know the results. She was fine, the professionals were crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:47 PM
1

All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:45 PM
2

Fair question. This is lawyer territory. You're talking serious money, it might be worth considering to pay another attorney to look at whatever deal your lawyer gets and see if they have any thoughts. I can say reasonable has nothing to do with anything and I know guys that have to go live in a box to make their payments.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 09:56 PM
5

CA here. I'd encourage you to get an attorney asap and follow their advice to the letter. They can tell you how to proceed while protecting your interests, and if it's to your benefit to file immediately. It may be easier/cheaper to serve someone in the US than out of the country.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 08:07 PM
5

As a CA resident I'd recommend discussing with an attorney before any financial movement prior to divorce. It's complicated.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 07:58 PM
1

and was suspected of having a personality disorder by my therapist. I'm a broken record in this sub of suggesting certain people check out r/BPDlovedones to see if anything rings a bell. I had no idea about that stuff before therapist #5 asked me if I knew what BPD was? Congrats on finishing your divorce so quickly!
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 01:26 AM
4

Lol, you would be surprised what women will do to keep their affairs secret. Friend of mine bought his wife a business. She'd step out on him during the workday and threatened to fire any employee that said a word. I'd have never guessed any of it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 10:31 PM
1

Oh, man, can I relate. I will say the beginning was the worst for me, and once I actually got underway there were unpleasant events, but at least I had an idea of how the process worked and what I was looking at. That said, I was an emotional wreck. They had to give me time to sort myself out at the initial consult because I was a mess. I feel for anybody who is going through this process.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 07:54 AM
4

This is way beyond anything I can personally address, but encouraging you to keep your chin up and take care of yourself. My experience was I found out my wife had BPD when I went into therapy, and turned out so did my mom, that's why I went into an unstable relationship and it felt normal. r/bpdlovedones and regular therapy helped me immensely. Wishing you the best, and hope you post often!
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 07:20 AM
3

It's interesting how universal certain human conditions can be, but not in a very fun way. I never judge, but whenever I see descriptions of certain behavior on this sub I try to mention it in case someone can find it useful. No joke that subreddit gave me the strength and insight to finalize the divorce. When I read your post with the screaming at bedtime, it sure sounded familiar. My ex would wake me up all night to fight.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 06:50 PM
2

The first things I'd suggest for anyone considering a major decision like a divorce is consulting an attorney to protect yourself from pitfalls for the unwary, and a therapist to discuss with. What I discovered was my wife and mom had characteristics of BPD. r/BPDlovedones has been a lot of help for me. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 06:42 PM
2

I can't think of any words that are adequate to describe these situations in a public forum. The truth is I didn't know any of the financial peril I was putting myself in when I married a woman with a masters degree and no job. If life were fair there would be a disclosure document you'd have to read before getting a marriage license.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 06:33 PM
5

This was the most difficult thing I ever did. I went to therapy 3 times a week to hold me together enough to get through. Best thing I ever did. It was too much to handle alone.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 06:08 PM
2

Stay strong, man.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 06:06 PM
2

Oh, man, I'm truly happy to hear that! All this time in therapy, and EMDR is the thing that has been the most effective for me. I'm far from perfect, but much improved. I really hope it works for you!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 05:49 PM
2

You took one for the team. That was a nice thing you did.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 05:46 PM
3

I spend 80% of my salary a monthly in Child Support and Alimony combined. When I tell unmarried people this is possible they think I'm making it up.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 05:42 PM
2

I've been doing EMDR. Only wish I'd looked into it sooner. Most effective thing I've done to address childhood events. Good luck with everything, glad to hear things are moving for you!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 05:14 PM
1

I can relate to the PTSD, man. Are you on ADHD meds or anything, is that what helped you? Good on you for taking care of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 04:48 PM
3

I saw some similarities so figured I would mention it. I went to half a dozen therapists before one did, and then everything came together why my chaotic childhood was repeated in my adult life, all that stuff. There's a sub r/BPDlovedones that's really good if you're ever interested. Good luck, man. Keep your chin up, hope you post often!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 01:33 AM
5

Have you ever looked into BPD? I had never heard about it till I started going to therapy when we started the divorce because I was a wreck. Turns out my mom has it and so does my wife. Therapy was the best thing I've done in years. Looked at the rest of your post. My ex couldn't really do anything and had a lot of germ fear.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 01:08 AM
1

>So I'm not on the hook for a traditional divorce per se, Are you following a lawyer's advice to protect your interests? So many hidden pitfalls.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/22 12:21 AM
2

My attorney is now telling me that he can't guarantee anything that happens with judges Heard the same
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 05:18 AM
3

Oh yeah, talk to your lawyer btw. Don't do anything drastic or say anything you wouldn't want read in open court. You're in Texas, not CA, things could be much, much worse.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/22 01:50 AM
5

I'm with you. As I understood it in my area it would be against my lawyers advice. Dunno about OP but I'd defo ask the lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 03:19 AM
2

That all tracks. I've been told anything can happen in a courtroom often enough to believe it. Certainly worth trying to protect assets, but I wouldn't hang my hat on it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 01:00 AM
2

Once in a while someone tells you something and you can hear the ring of truth. I always encourage people to get a lawyer first, and a therapist second. My lawyer friend said when shed take new clients she'd tell them to get a therapist because they're going to want to talk, and she charges much more than a therapist. Never forget there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you will get there one day. Good luck, please post often!
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 04:51 AM
3

I think all in it cost me around 12 for a simple divorce without any disputes. Court system was a wreck after Covid began so that caused problems. West Coast US. Honestly the whole process was so emotionally devastating that it was all I could do just to get by. Kinda amazed I kept my job. edit-now that I think about it, I was in an extreme time crunch due to a deadline I couldn't miss. . I went with an attorney that my friend whos a lawyer referred me to. They seemed to do a good job.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 01:44 AM
1

Maybe someone will have a link to the larger divorce forum thats sometimes mentioned here. If I had it to do over again, I would have interviewed 3 attorneys, and asked more about the cost. I was so naive about what the total bill would be. I bet I could have paid a lot less.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 01:36 AM
6

Hire an attorney to see how you can do this. Long story short don't comingle assets. Also, don't get divorced. Finally, good luck because I'd be willing to bet a judge might give her half just because.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 12:23 AM
1

OP, you're young and have a lot of time to shift gears. Get this done and move on. The advice here, as usual, is spot on, if not a bit more direct than some. I'd like to add that in my opinion job #1 for everyone is get a lawyer, but #2 is a therapist. The feelings were overwhelming for me, I learned my wife had a cluster b disorder, and so did my mom so everything became clear to me.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 08:30 PM
8

I can tell you one of the best things my lawyer did was to convince me not to give away too much so we had a better bargaining position later on when things were not as nice.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 05:03 PM
2

One of the best things my attorney did was convince me not to give away the farm.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 06:23 AM
2

This. I believe my wife is in the cluster b area. More specific than that doesn't matter to me.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:45 AM
1

Great books. For the longest I was hung up on diagnosis. Then eventually decided it didn't matter, shes in the cluster b spectrum, and can never change because nothing is her fault. She just feels things and that's her truth. If she feel like the grass is blue, its blue. If I could fix her I would, but I don't have that power.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:44 AM
1

Good on you, man. I'm only so direct because this is a situation where a misstep could have serious unseen consequences. There are a ton of pitfalls my attorney kept me out of. Best of luck, and hope you post often!
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 12:20 AM
4

ASK YOUR ATTORNEY. If you don't have an attorney, get one ASAP and take their advice. If she has an attorney and you don't you will come out the worse. Your lawyer can answer these questions and advise you how to protect your interests.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 11:30 PM
1

Thats a new one to me. Good lookin out.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 09:49 PM
1

Thanks for posting this. Cluster B seems to be a common theme in a lot of personal stories here.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 09:01 PM
2

It was like someone turned the lights on in a dark room, all of her behaviors made more sense. Took me 5 therapists to get one to mention BPD. That's when it all fit together, and turned out I married someone with a cluster b disorder like my mom. Because of course. r/BPDlovedones helped me tons.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 08:58 PM
1

Just to add to the excellent advice in this thread, a good lawyer will look after your interests in ways that might be blindspots to you now. In my emotional state I wanted to give way, way too much and my attorney said hey wait a minute, not so fast. As for getting your friend involved in what is turning out to be a messy divorce(sorry man, just saying), you already know the answer to that. As for the financial stuff, like others have said, don't do a ******* thing because you could easily be s…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 07:27 PM
1

I tried to list all the reasons you need an attorney, and typed a whole page. If she has one, I think you better have one or you will get a lopsided deal.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 04:53 AM
1

Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/21 10:07 PM
3

All the advice has been solid. Your lawyer will advise you as to what you can do regarding accounts. In my state, the answer was not much, you can't do anything beyond normal living expenses. The only thing I can add is I'd recommend to anybody going through a divorce to get a therapist ASAP after getting a lawyer. You're going to need to talk. Friends and family can't take it. Pay someone to listen to you discuss how unfair it is, if for no other reason than your lawyer will cost you hundreds p…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/21 07:57 AM
5

Went on a trip I'd always wanted. Was awesome.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/21 06:20 AM
3

They say time heals all wounds. I can tell you it certainly helped me. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/21 09:00 PM
1

I used to struggle with a lot of issues like this. Therapy has helped me enormously.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/21 07:30 PM
1

Read through your story a bit more. I get it. I wished my car would break down or something so I wouldn't have to go home. The yelling, the circular arguments that only ended with heart attack scares or just running out of energy(no solutions), the constant tension 24/7, being woken up all night long for her to yell at me or hug me, separate beds, the complete lack of any healthy boundaries, constant misery and she broke me down into smaller and smaller pieces of a human every day. None of that …
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 06:45 AM
3

Long story short, we have a lot, a lot of similarities. I went to a handful of therapists and one guy in the midwest past retirement age listened to my story and halfway in the session asked me if I had heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't have a clue, but remembered dating someone with something like that. We read through the DSM description, an act I would repeat several times with therapists and doctors as I looked for one that would tell me that it didn't apply to my wife. No l…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/21 06:28 AM
2

Went to therapy 3 times a week during the divorce. Learned my mom was a BPD and dad a Narcissist. I was programmed to try and 'fix' cluster B's since childhood, so it was inevitable I'd end up with one. Never even had a clue.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/21 06:19 AM
6

I'd ask your attorney. I think it all depends.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/21 08:14 PM
3

At the risk of projecting, I saw some cluster-B symptoms before I read the formal diagnosis. r/BPDlovedones and their suggested literature has helped me a lot. So had a lot, a LOT of therapy. Turns out I married a cluster-B just like my mom and tried to fix her, with predictable results. Your story is so similar to my own it's scary. If your wife has a personality disorder, nothing you can say or do will change that. I went to 5 or 6 therapists and doctors to discuss my wife. None of them gave m…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/21 10:22 AM
3

I'd talk to a therapist like 3 times a week. Worked for me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/21 06:00 PM
20

I can tell you I would have saved a lot of money and time if I'd gone to a therapist before getting married. I had no idea that my childhood had affected me like they did.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 11:02 PM
1

I don't know you or your situation. I would ask what advice you would give to a friend who told you they were involved in a court case where the other litigant wanted you to take photos with them and their kids before the matter was signed off by a judge? To me, it sounds like an opportunity with a lot of potential pitfalls and very little benefit. edit: I'd mention the obvious that you always have to keep your eye on the prize(the divorce) and measure how your actions will impact that. I did a …
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 07:17 PM
4

I had no idea. Thanks, friend!
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/21 09:32 PM
5

Therapy helped me tons.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 01:40 AM
3

Guys around here told me that most divorces start out amicable but don't end that way. I try to pass that bit of wisdom on when people think they don't need a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 01:03 AM
2

and do not be alone with her typical cluster b personality disorder shit Going through this right now. Therapy helped immensely but FML this is still awful to deal with. I guess the bright side is I'm no longer living with her. Today she told me in one of her rants that she tried to make me the happiest man on earth. Unreal.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 01:00 AM
2

Welcome! There are few places on the internet like this. Enjoy it while we have it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:22 AM
3

heh listening to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist right now. Spouses with personality disorder seem pretty common around here.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:20 AM
2

Lawyer was able to communicate with my wife and motivate her to cooperate in ways I couldn't. My interests were looked out for better than I could. I would have given away the farm. I heard on here most divorces start out amicably, and few finish that way. My hunch is that's correct. I didn't think I needed an attorney either. Maybe I could have done it with just a filing service, I was just so devastated by the whole thing.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/21 08:46 PM
20

Does she have a personality disorder? If so, that's extremely unlikely to change.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/21 04:33 AM
1

Good on you, man!
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/21 03:54 PM
2

Man, I had to talk about it to someone and left it to a professional rather than telling friends and family more than they needed to hear. It was huge just to be heard.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/21 03:28 AM
7

more men are warming up to the idea of getting therapy during/after divorce. I try to encourage everybody to do this. It got me through the process. Best thing to come out of this.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/21 06:18 AM
2

hah trust I was going to call them but she wouldn't tell me where she was before she shut off her phone. If you've never been around something like that it sounds almost unbelievable LOL
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/21 01:19 AM
2

I wasn’t thinking with a clear head. You need someone outside to look out for your best interest. Me too. My lawyer looked out for my interests when I couldn't.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 11:28 PM
4

FWIW, I read that most divorces start amicably, but don't end that way. Food for thought.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 02:15 PM
1

Better I don't go full inside baseball on this sub, I think. r/bpdlovedones has a lot to offer on the subject. Not married, decided I had to come to my own conclusions with the help of 5 or 6 therapists and advisors plus doctors, books, videos, etc. because she'd never be candid enough with the leading doctor I sent her to or go often enough. She tried her best but I couldn't live like that. Generally speaking the only way to survive long term in a BPD relationship is to grey rock, which you can…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/21 07:44 PM
1

I dunno your situation, but if you're worried about protecting your assets, a lawyer is the right person to ask. This stuff is very confusing, and a good lawyer can tell you exactly what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/21 07:03 PM
1

What I was told is that being drained of energy by someones presence like my wife or mother is a classic sign of a person with some type of personality disorder. The cluster-b ones all kinda overlap so I stopped trying to figure out exactly where my wife lies. I went to a bunch of therapists trying to find one that said I could save this thing. Finally I found one who talked to me for 15 minutes and asked me if I had ever heard of Cluster B personality disorder, and so we read up on it. I figure…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/21 06:11 PM
1

I'm sick to death of this shit. I found out that my parents had a personality disorder, and I was constantly trying to fix my wife like I did them. Who knew? At the end, I was feeling contempt for my wife. I was really starting not to like her. Our fights were getting more intense, and we were having health scares during our endless, circular arguments that wound up with us both going to see doctors for EKGs. I was walking on eggshells, just a million dysfunctional behaviors that I couldn't live…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/21 02:04 PM
2

A few things that might be similar. My marriage didn't work, like 95% of the time I was miserable. My therapist told me the best I could hope for was slight changes. They told me my wife had a personality disorder, and that that personality wouldn't change. It took a lot of therapy, like 2 or 3 times a week, to put me back together. I still go around twice a week now. My ex blew out of there after just a couple sessions. One of the things my therapist asked me was about the good times, and how c…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/21 12:30 PM
1

I'm not big on therapy. I understand. I wasn't either. I went out of desperation, auditioned 4 or 5 different ones. I had ishtty therapists previously and didn't think it was worth the time, but it helped me. Good luck!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/21 09:07 AM
2

Good on you to get the text message info. Knowledge is power. There's enough red flags here to knit a sweater. I can tell you that therapy helped me enormously to figure out the dynamics of my relationship. Turns out I married my dysfunctional mother and tried to fix her, who knew??
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/21 07:29 AM
3

>she tells me that if I have a b and c problems with her she told me I could just cheat on her or date other women You mean ashit test?
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/21 07:10 AM
3

Brother, the beginning was the worst for me. It got easier as I became more accustomed to the changes. Then before you know it, I was through to the other side. It'll happen for you too. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/21 03:36 AM
7

Roommates. Rent a room from someone on craigslist. Live in an RV. I'm getting a cheap sailboat to live on. Live in your car. Im sure there are other subs about this. r/povertyfinance is one of them. It's all shocking in the beginning. We see it all the time here, and in fact I was one of those as well.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/21 06:57 AM
2

This is very well said. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I'm certain you've seen some shit.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/21 10:54 PM
3

I don't know your situation. My ex-wife has a personality disorder, and part of that is fear of abandonment, so they provoke a reaction to get attention, eventually resulting in getting abandoned, unfortunately. If my ex said this to me I would assume it was part of that cycle, and she may or may not actually mean it, who knows. I don't know anything about custody issues so I would be out of line suggesting how to proceed. Good luck man, the struggle is real.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 07:33 PM
10

This. Honestly it's surprising this sub has lasted as long as it has.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 07:43 AM
2

I have some experience with NPD/BPDs. First things first, you didn't provoke this and don't deserve it, but you already know that. I can tell you that weekly, or more, therapy has helped me a lot, as well as working with a communications/executive coach on strategies to deal with certain personality types. TL;DR I greyrock with the BPD to get through the situation, then talk to my therapist Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 09:19 PM
2

I'd heard about it for years, and not gonna lie, it feels hokey at the beginning. Ignoring my PTSD and hoping it goes away sure didn't work. Traditional therapy has certainly helped, but that has only gone so far. My therapist I'm doing it with (famous guy, has a radio show-he's good) said it helps the brain rebuild pathways to the memory or something in a way that is less traumatic, or at least that's what I took from it. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. My memories of those traumatic events…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 10:38 PM
1

FWIW, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, brother. It wasn't fair, and you deserved much better.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 10:06 PM
1

I hear you, man. I guess neither my wife or I were comfortable with stability, and we'd take turns ruining it, just like my parents did as a kid. I see it for the pattern that it is now, but I had no clue I was acting out a script during my marriage. heh man 9 times out of 10, what I want to say I should keep to myself. I have to pause to catch myself during emotional conversations to self-censor before I open my big mouth and say something I can't take back.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 10:04 PM
2

Knowing that, however, hasn’t stopped seeking women like that. Bro, I hear you on that. My best therapist told me that if I ever walk into a room and feel instant attraction towards someone, that soulmate connection, to turn around and run away because they have a personality disorder LOL I thought it was good advice. I'm doing therapy and EMDR work right now. I never really tackled the CPTSD(I've had intense flashbacks all my life, so its the air I breathe) and re-experiencing the traumatic sce…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 09:58 PM
4

I went to a bunch of therapy to get through divorce. What I learned is that my mom has BPD just like my wife, and I'm attracted to unstable women that have that so I can fix them like I never could fix my mom, in order to prove her wrong and that I was really OK as a kid. Stable women bored me. Anybody I had a super strong desire/connection to/soulmate, had BPD. r/BPDlovedones helped me a lot. TL;DR I married an unstable woman like my mom
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 09:37 PM
3

Therapy helped me a lot. Turns out I was trying to fix my wife like I tried to fix my mom. It was an impossible situation.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/21 07:21 PM
2

My only regret is not doing it sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 11:23 PM
4

I got a therapist or 3 and a communications coach that has helped teach me how to manage important conversations.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 06:21 PM
3

Therapy helped me a bunch.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 07:45 PM
2

Filing before 10yrs is ideal Facts. Soooner the better. That's why I said it's short money to pay a lawyer to gameplan. My buddy is on the hook to pay forever, unfortunately. 4.5 years, that's just the length of a car loan. It sucks, but it has an end date.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 02:43 AM
2

TL; DR I'd answer most of these 'it depends'. Paying a lawyer to help gameplan your next moves is short money. At least in my state, the farther away from filing I was, the more options I had.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 01:32 AM
2

Believe it or not, I had a prison psychiatrist? psychologist? an MD tell me privately to divorce my wife because he sees cluster Bs in prison all day long for violence, didn't want me to be a victim. I appreciate his candor. Bro wasn't kidding.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/21 08:34 PM
3

If only I hadn't ignored this red flag
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/21 06:16 AM
3

The gaslighting...I remember one morning she was doing everything for me, bringing me coffee, making breakfast..finally things were getting better, she was back to herself...maybe things will be different now....and then the disappointment when the arguing began again. A repeat of my childhood. I don't miss the roller coaster a bit.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/21 12:28 AM
3

I know that feel. I was scared of my wifes rages. Thank heaven she couldnt control it or I would have stayed much longer.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 11:22 PM
0

My situation has some similarities to yours. I went to a bunch of therapists and learned about BPD, which it turned out both my wife and mom had. r/BPDlovedones was a real help. So has therapy. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:59 PM
0

Man, how many of us are on here with exes that have characteristics of BPD.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:58 PM
1

Bro, it may not feel like it now, but you're in a great situation. Divorce will never be easier than this moment. You're young, this is a short term marriage, no kids, and you didn't make any money. She can't get blood from a stone. Whatever you're going to owe, it's probably not going to be for very long because of how short the marriage was. I think an attorney and a therapist were two necessary people in my situation. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:55 PM
1

Bro, you sound like you're handling this very well. I can tell you that for me, it was very beneficial to get a therapist. I felt a lot of emotions and needed someone to talk to. Still do.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:50 PM
10

>Could she have been screwing with me? Whatever her motivation is, it's not likely to be in your best interest. Therapy has helped me blow away the fog of a lot of things and see things clearly. I know with BPD situations something like the above would possibly have some aspect of them trying to see if they can still manipulate their ex, it's a control thing. Because I grew up with this stuff as a kid, I didn't see these as the red flags they are. Live and learn.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:42 PM
5

oh, I see we have a fellow traveller! Coincidentally ,I just got an email from my ex telling me her dog just said hello. My therapist said her 'good' days are the cheese in the mousetrap. I think he was right.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 09:38 PM
2

Goodluck, brother! I wound up going to therapy 3 times a week to get through. Best thing I've done in years.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/21 07:05 AM
3

In r/BPDlovedones we'd call that greyrocking. It's a good short term strategy. Therapy has helped me a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/21 01:03 AM
1

Therapy helped me a lot. I had a lot to talk about.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/21 09:21 AM
3

Therapy helped me a lot. In fact I went to several therapists to get different opinions so I knew I wasn't being hasty.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 10:58 PM
1

Just saw this. What a great thread man.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 08:59 PM
1

This
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 08:55 PM
1

you can’t be married to a narcissist Just found this thread. All these stories are like my own. Yeah man, I went to a bunch of therapy and realized that because of my BPD/NPD parents that I tried to fix as a kid, I'm attracted to that type and it's normal for me to not quit. Never wanted to deal with this stuff before, but I'm a better man for it. Wishing you all the best!!
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 08:52 PM
1

Bro, you described my history of marriage/engagements right here.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 08:50 PM
2

Therapy helped me a lot. I married my BPD mom without realizing it. Whoops.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/21 04:50 AM
4

DDay is spot on. I've kinda left this sub since my divorce finalized. I talked to a therapist, coach, spiritual advisor, and a few guys that had been through it. Friends and family mostly just got a thumbnail sketch, except for a few instances where that desperate need to talk got the best of me and some things slipped out. I think I damaged some relationships that way. Nobody wants to be around negative energy, so I save it for the professionals. To the rest of the world, I'm better off saying …
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/21 04:06 AM
4

>Assertive would be an understatement. I have a lot of opinions, and 'bully' comes to mind in this situation, but I wasn't there so it's not fair for me to judge. The move for me is to keep things positive and not harsh the communications climate. Once it goes negative it's hard to get back to fun, especially in that environment (and I've regretted it whenever I have). Also, as was explained to me, it's more attractive to others if you say you have an amicable divorce in public, even if it isn't…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/21 01:04 AM
3

Been there done that. This is one of those times in your life that you want to do things carefully. Glad to hear you have a lawyer. Sounds like you're making an escape plan. If you don't have a therapist, I encourage you to seek one. I auditioned a handful of them, and then started talking to the one I liked the most 2 or 3 times a week until the divorce was signed off on. Honestly, sounds like you're doing great assembling a team, with family support as well.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 05:35 PM
2

Congrats!!!
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 08:09 AM
14

You stole my thunder. This divorce will *NEVER* be easier than it is now. All it will take is one night of passion to change that equation.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/21 11:42 PM
3

OOoh nice! I'm sure it took you a lot of work to get where you are. I've considered driving for a long time. Sounds like an industry you have to really know what you're doing, but there's still opportunity. Good on you, man!
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 02:33 AM
2

LMAO! You bring up an excellent point. If she respected me, she'd respect my work, especially considering I was the sole provider. Next time, I'll choose better. You still drive or did you move on?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 02:14 AM
5

Local 10 hours a day? That sounds like a nightmare with traffic.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 01:55 AM
1

Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/21 08:12 PM
2

I hear you, OP. The therapists I went to helped patch me back together just enough to get through the divorce, and now I'm starting to thrive. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 09:02 AM
3

That's it! Good lookin' out. Hope OP reads it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/21 04:18 PM
2

There's a big mens divorce forum on a website that has a checklist. Wish I'd had it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/21 08:08 AM
5

x2
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/21 07:55 AM
3

I consulted a bunch of therapists and advisors to make sure I was not making a mistake. Now that it's over, and I have some emotional distance, I am certain I made the right move. It was very difficult. I think the weekly therapy is one of the best things to come of it. Unsolicited advice: it will *never* get easier than now to do this. I don't know your state/country but long-term marriage laws will possibly kick in at some point(at least in my state), which you really don't want.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/21 03:19 AM
2

Man, I hear you, I had a terrible time leaving, even though I was miserable. Therapy helped me a lot, especially after I filed. Best thing I've ever done. Turns out all my childhood issues were bound up with my wife. First off, I'm in the US, so take what I say with a grain of salt. If you lived here, I'd encourage you to talk to an attorney or 3 and pick one to represent you. They'll guide you through the process. It's very easy to make a mistake with huge financial implications in the US, and …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/21 01:54 AM
2

I am not an expert. I'd take it with a grain of salt and be cautiously optimistic. My friend who was a divorce attorney used to tell her clients at the consult to get a therapist, because they're going to want to talk, and she charges $400/hr. I always thought that was considerate of her. Therapy helped me a lot. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/21 03:39 AM
5

I hear you, man. I very quickly realized I needed to talk to a therapist, because friends/family meant well, but could only offer so much support.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 07:54 AM
3

This is excellent advice. When I started in therapy, I realized my mom had BPD just like my wife, so the instability was normal for me to want to fix. Talking to someone has been a big help.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/21 12:43 AM
2

This thing has been so much more difficult emotionally than I ever imagined. Ive been in therapy since it began and Im a better man for it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 11:15 PM
1

I went to a bunch of different therapists and professionals to discuss my marriage situation, because I was confused and didn't know if divorcing was right. I'm really glad I did, because it got me into therapy, and is helping me address all the childhood issues I didn't realize still affected me. Do you respect your wife? I started to hold mine in contempt, for a whole lot of reasons, and my famous therapist told me that was the point of no return. I don't know if that's true or not, but it fel…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 10:04 PM
1

Many people, myself included, start this out thinking we can save money by doing this ourselves. The hiccups are emotions are involved, and a lot of pitfalls for the unwary. I read divorces begin amicably but don't end that way(mine took 1.5 years, plenty of time for feelings to change). The lawyers know all the rules to the very confusing game of divorce, and if you accidently break them, you can be completely up a creek in the worst way. I thought it would be one simple filing in my state, and…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 09:39 PM
2

I married a cluster B, just like my mom. I wasn't able to fix her either. A lot of therapy, reading texts, and r/BPDlovedones have helped me a lot. I have a lot of sympathy for anybody involved with someone with a personality disorder. It's tragic for everyone affected. Honestly I still struggle with my expectations for them. Even now I still want to buy into the fantasy that they'll snap out of it. Like I said, tragic for everyone involved. Hang in there, OP!
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 09:25 PM
3

This is serious business. I'd talk to an attorney before doing anything. Gotta make an exit plan, and unfortunately lawyers need to tell us the rules of the game. It's easy to make a wrong move that will impact things down the line. Much better to know what to do from the start. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 09:00 PM
8

Man, I got my final paperwork a couple weeks ago. It was kind of shocking to have it over with, but let me tell you, it's great! Good luck today.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/21 04:44 PM
6

I'd like to consider myself a decent guy. Even when I was young and dumb, when women have reached out to me to be an AP (old HS classmates...facebook is weird) I told them to call me after they were divorced a year. One of the few good decisions I've made heh
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 09:18 PM
1

Yup. I thought a deadline meant more than it did.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 04:54 PM
1

I think my consultation was 20 minutes and free. Retainer was 1.5k. I got billed monthly, put a credit card on file. The retainer lasted approximately 3 hours of legal work, which is to say it went the first month.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 08:16 AM
1

and now I have 9 days left to get served her response. If I'm not served then the judge sets a date to tell me when the divorce will be finalized. I thought I was homefree when my wife didn't respond to being served within 30 days. Turns out in my state if she misses the deadline she just needs to give the judge a good reason and she can re-open it. My paperwork also got royally messed up by the court due to problems caused by the Covid situation. I'm pulling for you, bro!
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 08:13 AM
2

but you're right not to mess with calling the cops. I'd abandon all my stuff before getting them involved. There are 100 ways it can go sideways. edit-unless my lawyer advised me to or something. In fact, consulting a lawyer is not a bad idea. An ounce of protection is worth a pound of cure, and all that.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/21 08:02 AM
2

Therapy helped me a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/21 10:05 PM
3

Good luck, brother. The beginning was the worst for me, the confusion and emotion. A lot of stuff honestly blew my mind, I had to recalibrate what I thought fair or affordable was. Stay strong, hope you post often ! If you feel overwhelmed, post here and you can borrow some of our energy. You will get through this!
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 09:13 PM
1

Let me know how it goes. Lawyers are a necessary evil. Dont tell the wife. I read that Divorces start amicably, but rarely finish that way. A lawyer will unemotionally and savagely look out for your interests during a very emotional time, and they can navigate a legal system thats worse then ever due to Covid backlogs and inefficiency.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 08:21 PM
1

Thank you. My intent was to get your attention in a way that would stick, and judging by your reaction, you heard me. First consultation with a lawyer is free. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 08:04 PM
2

Like I said, I will probably hire an attorney to review our agreement You'll *probably* hire an attorney? Lost cause. Have fun.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 03:45 PM
2

>would probably each hire our own attorney to review it Does this mean you don't have an attorney? If so, I would boogie on down to a lawyer first thing monday and see what they say before doing/agreeing to anything. We all have blind spots, and the attorney can look at things objectively. Mine saved me from giving away wayyyyyy too much.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 08:26 AM
3

Good on you for going to a meeting. Alanon and therapy helped me get through, plus a lot of support from program friends. If there's one thing they know about in 12 step groups, it's divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 12:02 AM
1

Lots of good advice here. Spend the money and talk to an attorney or two to gameplan your exit. It only sounds expensive, a few hours will be just a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. There are a ton of rules your lawyer can tell you to keep you on track, which is essential.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 09:09 PM
8

She's meeting with a divorce attorney and gameplanning how to take everything from you, including your future. Don't bury your head in the sand, this is really happening, friend. I hate what my attorney cost me, but it was worth every penny. Get some consultations. Tomorrow. And pick whoever you think will do the best job, but get someone to tell you what you need to do to protect yourself. There are a lot of rules to this game, and pitfalls for the unwary. Good luck, please keep us posted.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 08:39 AM
2

What my friend has to pay in CA is inhumane. If only life were fair.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 08:26 AM
2

I just did a weeklong trip to some parks. Had the time of my life. Good on you for doing the AT, I really need to give it a shot, even if just for a weekend.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 08:21 AM
3

Hang in there, friend. It really does get easier after things start to normalize. I know part of my adjustment was getting used to not being under stress 24/7. My wife has BPD. r/BPDlovedones helped me a lot. My wife also had paranoia about being poisoned, or mail getting stolen, germs ,you name it. Never had time to go down that rabbit hole as there were always bigger problems to deal with. Therapist said her goal was to destabilize me so she could manipulate me to do what she wanted. Definitel…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 08:11 AM
8

don’t be above faking niceness to get a quick divorce. This. The advice I got was to do my best to avoid high conflict while divorcing, and that's what I did. Worked for me, and life is nicer. The lawyer tempered my desire to give away too much out of guilt.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 08:07 AM
3

Holy ish I thought my 18 months was bad! That said, now that I'm on the other side of this, feels great to be here. You'll get there soon, brother!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 10:14 PM
6

I like your thinking. Gotta keep your eye on the prize, not on the short term. I was encouraged to avoid conflicts right now that could drag things out, because it will get expensive in a hurry. I was able to smooth over some things and as a result saved some money, and let my lawyer be the bad guy when needed. It wasn't easy, I had to swallow my pride and take some Ls and pay some money that I didn't strictly have to. Anything to keep that train moving down the track. It was worth it to me, bec…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 09:26 PM
1

If you haven't talked to one, I'd support you in at least getting a consultation to get a professional's perspective. I know for myself, I was super emotional about the whole thing and it clouded my judgement. My lawyer talked me out of giving too much. Out of guilt, desire to punish myself, and wanting her not to resent me I wanted to pay my ex more than was good for me. I started going to therapy 3 times a week. Best thing I ever did. Good luck, OP!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 09:15 PM
1

Mine took 1.5 years. Covid messed up things and added an extra 6 months to straighten out issues with paperwork. Cost all depends on your state and if it's a high-conflict divorce or not.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 09:02 PM
1

First things first, congrats on getting out of this so early in life! My therapist told me second marriages fail more often than first ones. He said it's because we repeat the same mistake we did on the first one. What I found out, through a lot of therapy, is I married a woman with the same mental problems as my mom, and had been dating unstable women my whole life, without even seeing it. I'd like to think I'll make a better decision next time. Glad to see you here, please post often. Good luc…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 08:57 PM
2

You guys expressed it better than I could. Because I was riding on a train with no brakes in this divorce process, it was the darkest time of my life. I was just along for the ride, and with no end in sight for lawyer bills. I started going to therapy 2 or 3 times a week to keep my head on straight. Best thing I ever did.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 08:52 PM
1

Bro have you discussed this plan with an attorney? In my state, the longer you're married, the more she's entitled to, the longer the spousal support payments, etc. The more I made the more she got in payments, and there are very strict rules about moving money prior to filing, disclosure, etc. I'd encourage you to get a consultation with an attorney. You can probably pay for an hour of their time and gameplan this. There are a ton of gotchas and pitfalls I couldnt have known. Goodluck. I had a …
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 08:49 PM
9

Bro, you're never going to be in a better position than you are today. No LE interaction, she has a job, no kids, this is brilliant. Nice work! What my famous therapist told me is that misery has no place in marriage. Luckily for me, I was miserable 95% of the time, so it wasn't exactly a wobbler. Not saying it was easy, it was not, but intellectually the decision was clear. I did this thing where I discussed what I'd give my wife prior to divorce. My lawyer said hey wait a minute, don't try and…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 07:53 PM
6

A common sentiment around here. Lucky for me, my lawyer told me to wait a minute and stopped me from making a mistake. I wanted to give her everything out of guilt.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 05:06 AM
3

oh my bad I was unclear I actually didn't do mediation. We were going to make an agreement and present it to the court and during negotiations she told me to hold my horses. Evidently it's not uncommon to try and be a good guy and give away the farm. Someone told me most divorces start out amicably, but don't end that way. I think that rings true.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 04:41 AM
4

>Can I hire an attorney just for the purpose of reviewing the medation agreement, assuming we reach one? Of course. I can tell you my attorney saved me from giving away way too much out of guilt, and more than once.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 04:02 AM
1

bwahahahahaha!!!! truth
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/21 10:37 PM
2

I just finished after 1.5 years last week. Not gonna lie, it was quite a ride, and tested all my limits. Really, truly, there is an end to it. Since you're familiar with the 12 steps, I can tell you I go to Al-Anon and apply the steps to my ex wife. The more I get into it, the more I realize just how much my wife and I fought to control each other. Therapy has been a big help for me as well. I had to build my own network of support since I don't have family. I reached out to AA friends and they …
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/21 10:09 PM
1

I hope you're able to get to counseling appointments by yourself. I can say they really helped me.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/21 06:37 AM
1

Hey man, sounds like you're going through a lot. I know I was crushed first by my wife, then divorcing her. I wound up talking to a therapist 3 times a week to get by, and a few other advisors/counselors. I still have my days, like today. Hang in there, bro, you will get through this! Hope you post often.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/21 06:33 AM
2

I see some similarities to my situation. r/BPDlovedones might have some information that is relevant. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. I was a caretaker for my wife, who drained the life out of me and told me I didn't do enough.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/21 01:10 AM
5

Had the final discussion with my lawyer a few days ago. Previously she'd talked me out of giving my ex too much money. This last time she told me (in so many words) not to be a sucker and keep giving her money LOL that I'd spent enough and didn't owe her a thing. As always, I hate how much my lawyer cost. I am greatful for her saving me from myself.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 05:14 AM
6

I can't even talk about it. Maybe with the therapist, but that's it before people see my head spin around and steam come out my ears LOL
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 05:13 AM
6

Less than 5 years marriage. Yet alimony was granted for 3.5 years !!! Because of course. Ugh. The good news, there is an end to it! My boss is on the hook for life. I just had to testify at the final hearing last week. CA slaves is right!
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 05:12 AM
1

One foot in front of the other, bro! Sooner than later you'll be on the other side of this. Stay strong, hope you post often!
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/21 02:59 AM
1

haha I never thought of that, it's actually a great idea! Everytime I go there the strip looks completely different.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 11:43 PM
3

Hey man, hang in there, it does get better! I know that when I get really irritable and frustrated with everything, there's a good cry right behind it, waiting to come out. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs for me. I think the beginning was some of the worst, because of the unknown. Once you're in it, you get used to it more. I remember thinking the same thing, sleeping next to my wife, thinking this is the last time. This has been the darkest period of my life, and a ton of therapy ha…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 11:42 PM
2

I can relate to every word of this.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 11:33 PM
2

You know it! Version 2.0 is right! Good luck with the 6 weeks, man, it'll be over before you know it!
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 11:28 PM
1

This is how my ex wife behaves. I go to a lot of therapy, read the BPD books, read the r/BPDlovedones forum because they get it, and it reminds me why I shouldn't go back to her. I don't have kids, but still need to contact her concerning divorce stuff. We use email, and only for an emergency talk on the phone. I only read/respond to emails that are informational. Not gonna lie, I still love her and want to fix her. She can hook me in, so I have to be careful. I tried my best, and I couldn't mak…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 11:20 PM
1

Therapy has helped me a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 06:33 PM
5

Someone told me divorces start out amicable, and don't finish that way. It rang true to me. I don't have any experience with this, I'd encourage you to talk to your accountant. The only tip I can give you is when it came to signing forms the ex didn't want to, I let my attorney be the bad guy. It actually worked. Good luck!!
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 02:45 AM
2

I wish I'd gotten a therapist sooner. If I could go back and in time I'd tell myself to do it ASAP, because just maybe I could have changed the relationships course, or at least been better equipped to navigate things.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 12:44 AM
5

It doesn't sound unusual. In my opinion, if you knew how to fix it, you would have already. I'd get a therapist for yourself ASAP and see if she wants to do counseling, but take care of yourself, bro.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 12:09 AM
4

I can't offer any help. However, I can offer support. Bro, this sucks. One day, believe it or not, this will all be over. I hope you have a lot of IRL support too. You sound pretty good, so I'm guessing yes. I had to pay for mine, but it was well worth it. Good luck, keep us posted!
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 08:40 PM
7

If you take the time to try to do nice things for each other you'll be able to roll your eyes about the bedsheets and laugh at the absurdity. One of my therapists told me this was key, to be able to laugh at life's little catastrophes. I wish I were better at it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 05:38 PM
1

r/Divorce_Men never pulls punches, brother. At least not yet! Things will change eventualy. Is this a soul sucking, energy draining situation? Do you even like her any more? Hold her in contempt? I'm asking because those are the feelings I felt, before my famous therapist told me it was a wrap. That was my sitaution, though, I just see some similarities. The therapist asked me if we had a good time together, a solid foundation that we could find a way to get back to. Truth was, we didn't. Did yo…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 05:36 PM
2

r/Divorce_Men never pulls punches, brother. At least not yet! Things will change eventualy. Is this a soul sucking, energy draining situation? Do you even like her any more? Hold her in contempt? I'm asking because those are the feelings I felt, before my famous therapist told me it was a wrap. That was my sitaution, though, I just see some similarities. The therapist asked me if we had a good time together, a solid foundation that we could find a way to get back to. Truth was, we didn't. Did yo…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 05:36 PM
2

Not gonna lie, in my experience all the cliches were true. Going no-contact with my wife was like kicking drugs. I'd been in 24/7 stress with her, so it literally took weeks for my body to go back to normal operation, and I wanted to go back in the worst frigging way. I still do, if I'm honest. I have to constantly remind myself of the misery she brought to me. Before I divorced I was going to emergency centers because I thought my panic attacks might be a heart attack, my blood pressure was hig…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 02:13 AM
3

Are you me? I could have written most of this myself. My wife and I would take turns ruining moments, like my parents did. Ugh. If my wife isn't cluster b, she's close damn enough to make me miserable. Therapy and r/BPDlovedones has helped me a lot. Yup, I've had friends for decades, my wife didn't have any because she's misunderstood and they're all mean. Not sure her family likes her either. My parents had cluster b disorders, so these red flags didn't set off alarm bells in me. I'm sure you a…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/21 01:48 AM
2

Neither did I. I think I saw it in an industrial part of town when I was going to pick up the car from the shipper. Cost me around $100 and they waited in line at the DMV and everything. They were able to do stuff I never could have figured out on my own LOL Good luck, it's never a good time dealing with the DMV.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/21 12:02 AM
2

Do they have DMV registration businesses there? In my west coast state, they have businesses that helped me with registering a car that I purchased out of state and had some hassles with.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 11:48 PM
2

For whatever it may be worth, I went to 4 or 5 therapists and a few other advisors, to talk about my wife. I had to be convinced I was doing the right thing. All of them were good, and looked at different facets of the situation. Ultimately the advice was the same. There was nothing to preserve. I still don't like the divorce. I just can't save or change her, no matter what I do. I have to remember that.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 11:02 PM
1

I hear you, OP. I have a lot of similarities. I look at r/BPDlovedones sometimes. I always encourage people to ask a therapist why they want someone back. I did, and the answer really cleared up a lot of things for me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 09:32 PM
2

Your lawyer will advise you about how checking/savings accounts can be accessed, and how much taken out, etc. Glad to hear you're talking to a lawyer. The most important thing is not to ignore it. Assume everything you say or do around your wife/kids is being recorded and will be played in court. Just saying. I'd encourage you to get a therapist ASAP. This is an emotional roller coaster, much more than I ever could have realized. Some guys start drinking, and there are healthier ways to handle t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 07:21 PM
6

I'm not advocating vasectomy or anything, but true story, I worked for a guy who's girlfriend thought she was pregnant, and he had had a vasectomy. He was like yeah, I don't think it's mine if you are LOL
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 12:21 AM
1

hah you know what, me too, but we all have to live with ourselves at the end of the day.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 12:20 AM
5

I'd encourage you to talk to a lawyer or 3 ASAP. Then you can come up with a strategy. They negotiate for a living, and frankly they stopped me from giving away way too much out of guilt. Someone told me divorces start out amicable, but don't often finish that way. That had the ring of truth.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 01:26 AM
1

I started with couples therapy, she bailed and I continued to go and pretty quickly he said there was nothing to save. I didn't want to put my faith in one guy so I went to a bunch of other therapists who said different variations of the same thing, so eventually I went aheead with the divorce. I've been seeing a therapist ever since. One of the best things I've done in a long time.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:25 PM
3

will kill any relationship we could have as co-parents You want to maintain a 'good' relationship with someone who manipulated you into doing a DV program and has lawyers draft emails to you? If you were standing 3 feet away from yourself, what would you say to you with this evidence?
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:09 PM
2

I believe so far we have a chance at being nice to one another/staying friends. This is the lever women use to get everything they want. You're being a nice guy. Pay the lawyer so he can be the bad guy. I wanted to give her everything(I never wanted divorce, thought deep down maybe she'll come back if I roll over) and my lawyer told me hey hey hey wait a second, Turbo, let's not get crazy. My lawyer savagely looked out for my interests when I simply couldn't. This sub is filled with men talking …
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:03 PM
2

Good on you. Stay strong!
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/21 02:16 AM
1

How you holding up?
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/21 01:41 AM
2

Brother, I hear you. When I talk to a lawyer, when I have to do divorce stuff(1.5 years now) I get so emotional I lose my mind. The lawyer calls me and I can't remember how to park a car or use a computer or something, I'm just a wreck and irrational. It's like I have blinders on and all I can think about is the divorce and my ex. I'm just some bozo on the internet, however I want to say what you're describing, the emotions, all sound completely normal and human to me. Around here we talk about …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/21 12:26 AM
1

Lot of good advice ITT. Just a personal anecdote my attorney told me don't mess with assets. Anything spent/moved more than household expenses in the approx year prior to filing will be presumed hiding assets, and then the court would throw the book at me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/21 09:39 PM
2

See what your lawyer thinks. If you don't have a lawyer yet, then I understand why this feels like such a huge hit. The financials are shocking and hard to believe in the beginning. I had to throw out all ideas I had about fairness and affordability in order to be less resentful on a daily basis. Nothing good comes from me stewing about what my divorce cost, what's fair, etc. It just makes me emotional so I try to exercise it out. Well I gues that's a little good at least. It might be cathartic …
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/21 09:01 PM
2

100% agree!
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/21 07:31 AM
1

and it hit me-- felt just like home with my dad. I know that feeling. I was visiting my mom and realized my wife made me feel just as horrible. I love them both, doesn't mean I can live with them, or fix them. I should call therapist #4. He's in a different state. Great guy. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore with teletherapy, but it does to my insurance. I'm seeing a guy on my insurance plan. My experience is the most expensive guys are the best, and never take my insurance. >I'm still not sur…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/21 01:28 AM
1

Why get into a contract where the terms can change at any time? I'm talking to my 21 year old self, friend, not giving advice. I think that in the future men will have a financial obligation for just dating women, much less cohabitation. There won't be any avoiding it. It's incrementalism, in my opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/21 01:17 AM
1

Thanks. It's surprising how much investment it takes just to learn some simple things. > The unconscious has a strong drive, a radar of sorts that we don't even recognize is steering is towards a specific partner. I had no idea. None. I've always been 'madly in love' with women that had personality disorders. It was inevitable I'd marry one. The more unstable the better. I was seeing someone who I now realize was a giant catch before I met my wife. I didn't know what to do because she didn't nee…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/21 10:57 PM
1

Thanks, I'll look into that! I married my BPD mom. Swore I never would, and then did it unknowingly. My sister married my NPD dad. I just knew my parents were a mess, had no idea there were names for it. My therapist said I married a BPD like my mom to try and repair like I never could my mother. Don't recommend doing that.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/21 10:09 PM
4

Truly, I'm sorry to hear this. I can tell you consulting an attorney helped blow away the fog of what a divorce would really cost, and a therapist helped me recover.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/21 08:22 PM
6

Oh yeah. I had to throw out my ideas of what was fair and reasonable. It's like living in upside down world.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/21 08:17 PM
3

1) a therapist asked me if waiting would make the divorce any cheaper. You already know the answer to this. Also, the chronic stress of her 24/7 was breaking down my health. A doctor explained to me how it was destroying me. She did me a favor, I sent her a card LOL. I went to 4 or 5 therapists, religious advisors, 12 step group, couples therapy. I got essentially the same answer from all of them. There was no solid ground to return to, and I was at the point of being in contempt of my wife. I a…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/21 08:15 PM
9

If I were talking to my 21 year old self, I'd say get married after college and live in a state where divorce isn't designed to crush you like my coastal state is. EDIT: I'd also tell myself to get some therapy to make sure I'm doing the right thing. My childhood issues led me to pick someone unsuitable.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/21 07:55 PM
3

I am currently separated, thank heaven. I would be gutted if I had to see her on a daily basis. I find myself irritable and wanting to bite the head off anybody near me one minute, and the next I just want to go someplace by myself and sob. The emails from her, the lawyers, the hearings, it all makes my head spin and I can't focus on anything. Therapy has helped patch me together enough to put one foot in front of the other and keep the train moving down the tracks. Truly, brother, I'm sorry to …
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 10:12 PM
3

Man, that sounds tough! I encourage anyone contemplating divorce to seek a consultation with a lawyer or 3(should be initially free) and consider getting therapy, ASAP. Me personally, the emotions have been a roller coaster like I couldn't believe. Therapy helped me get to the other side. Hang in there, please post often!
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 09:43 PM
2

I hear you, brother! This has been the darkest time in my life, and I struggle to keep my chin up. Therapy and exercise and new hobbies have been a big help for me, as others have stated better than I can. I want to drift into sweet fantasy to escape the emotions that I'm feeling, and I'm vulnerable to believing the tricks my mind is playing on me, if that makes sense. I don't have a child, that's a whole next level situation. Wishing the best for you and yours!
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 08:53 PM
1

As always, I'd encourage you to ask your lawyer how a reconciliation would affect you legally, and a therapist or two to get an impartial opinion of this idea. Admittedly At risk of projecting my situation on yours, I didn't read anything in your post that indicates why you'd get a different result this time. Hope is not a plan, I have to keep reminding myself. I've been separated over a year. My wife would like to reconcile 100% on her terms, with no behavior modifications. She tries to hoover …
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 08:04 PM
2

I went through, and frankly still am ,some of this. I would bet it's not uncommon. Therapy has helped me a ton.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 05:00 AM
2

The struggle is real. It does get easier with time. Glad to hear you have support. It has made all the difference for me. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 04:54 AM
1

Oh yeah I gave up trying to completely diagnose her. The Cluster Bs all overlap. Once I resigned from the debating society and accepted that her behavior was impossible for me to live with, and essentially had no chance of changing enough for me to be happy, the better off I was. That said, I struggle daily as she tries to hoover me. She knows how to hook me in, and if it weren't for therapy and r/BPDlovedones for support I'd probably take her back.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 04:21 AM
1

Sounds very familiar! People with BPD are stuck in a very childlike emotional state, which in some ways was very endearing, and in others, completely impossible to deal with. She knew how to hide it. Never thought I'd be a guy that said his wife changed when they got married, but there it is. Never forget, Eve convinced Adam to take a bite of the apple.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 03:04 AM
2

"I'm bored" OMG I remember getting that, and it drove me nuts! Now that I think about it, the women probably just wanted attention and were lonely but said they were bored, and I didn't realize what they meant. Regardless, its still energy draining. Logically, our relationship was so, so not worth it. Once in a day we had a nice moment, but the rest was pure hell. I have to really focus on that reality, rather than my fantasy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 12:07 AM
2

I appreciate this, fam. On a bad day I feel stupid for not seeing or disregarding her problematic behavior. Frankly guilt and other things were going on that I didn't realize either. Yes, more or less everything about my wife was attention related. She'd invent reasons I had to leave work to pick her up, or tell me she was being followed then hang up so I'd call her in a panic while I was at work. From what I read in books she was afraid all the time that I'd leave her, so much so that it made h…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 11:43 PM
2

This isn't directly the same, just thought I'd mention my wife was pretty cool, could admit she made mistakes, we had fun together(all sorts of red flags as well that I missed, mind you). Once our wedding day came, she became 100% impossible. Never wrong, controlled my every move, constant drama(real or invented), fighting, emotional thinking(if she felt it it was true despite facts)etc. I found out later she had all the characteristics of BPD, that my mom did, and I married someone just like my…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 10:51 PM
2

No joke, even knowing beforehand to avoid it, I wanted to tell my lawyer all about my wife. Such a mess LOL
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 05:46 AM
2

Man, I wish I'd known to ask these kinds of questions. I was surprised when mine ruthlessly looked out for my interests. I never could have done that on my own. Too nice.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/21 10:43 PM
1

Any lawyer would love to sit there and listen to their client ramble on and on for 3 hours and then bill them $350/hour minimum. My divorce attorney friend said she told her clients in the consult that they should get a therapist, because they'll want to talk, and she'll listen with compassion, but her fee was $350/hr. I thought it was considerate of her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/21 10:40 PM
3

I had all these questions, it kept me up at night. Talking to a lawyer helped clear the fog. I remember talking to my therapist about the cost, and he asked me if it would get any cheaper if I waited? The man had a point.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/21 10:37 PM
1

the only way she would sign the divorce papers Are you in the US? At least in my state, I was able to have my wife served with the legal papers because she refused to sign, FWIW.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 06:01 PM
1

Thanks, man, that's good advice.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:54 PM
0

I haven't had this exact situation. I do know something about living with an alcoholic. There's a 12 step program called al-anon that I've found a lot of relief in, I personally look for meetings with other men in them. It's really accessable with meetings on zoom, and you can turn your camera off. I'd also encourage therapy if you haven't already. When you say rocky marriage from the beginning, I can relate. I didn't see the red flags, and it turns out my wife was BPD. There's a great sub calle…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:40 PM
1

I can't believe how clueless I was going into this whole thing. Great advice. I wonder how many people in this sub own their own safe? I'd bet a few.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:33 PM
1

I'd consider getting a therapist asap and discussing codependency and BPD. IF you're not familiar there's a sub called r/BPDlovedones that might have familiar stories and support. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:28 PM
1

Man I haven't seen one of those in many moons. I love it. Thanks for this!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:26 AM
2

Wow. Not painting you as a saint, but that sounds like a lot of selfless acts. Your new wife sounds amazing. Good on you for catching yourself falling into the same trap. My therapist said 2nd marriages fail more often than first because people are repeating the same mistake, which is a pattern I've done my whole life without knowing it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:25 AM
1

Oh yeah, you're absolutely right. I wish my wife would have taken the money but it went to lawyers instead. She has to live with her decisions. Congratulations on the new marriage!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:21 AM
2

Thanks for this. Lotta good advice in this thread so I'm printing it out. I really like the visualization techniques. This divorce has dredged up every childhood issue I thought I didn't have to deal with. Guess I wasn't ready before now. I'm going to try and find a new therapist tomorrow. Seems like the ones I pay out of pocket are always the best. Much appreciated!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:18 AM
2

Granted, after disposing of a quarter-ton of household stuff and paying lawyers, it may have to be cheap entertainment...) ****** quarter ton LOL I'm probably low balling but its at least half a shipping container. Thanks for the laughs!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:11 AM
1

heh if I'd been smart I'd have interviewed 3 different ones
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:40 AM
3

If I were physically able to do that, I would hop on that train. I bet it feels great. I try to exercise myself to exhaustion every day so I can sleep. It's a lot better than when I didn't exercise at all.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 10:35 PM
3

Oh, you know, I'm sure that's coming up next. It's been a minute, but I always feel better when I let it all out. Today I just have to ride the wave. Come think of it, I should go to the beach. I'm trying to do something fun every day, even if it's just for a little bit.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 10:32 PM
3

Thanks for taking the time for such a thorough response! I'm going to watch the video right now. You're absolutely right, on the other side of the anger is a lot of hurt. I guess right now is just my time to feel this side of the coin.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 10:30 PM
1

You're right, I was a train wreck when this began, and people told me time would help, and it certainly has. I'm still a train wreck, but instead of being sad I'm feeling 10 shades of angry. This too shall pass.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 10:25 PM
3

Thanks, man. I think you're right. I don't want to be Mr. Bitter Divorcee that everyone has met or worked with at one time or another, and I have to be deliberate in order to do that. I'm tired of my therapist, I gotta find a new one right now.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 10:23 PM
5

I hear you, man. I'm going to print this thread out and put it up on my bathroom mirror. I gotta walk through it and not get upset for being human.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 10:18 PM
3

Thanks, man. Today it feels like the ride never ends. Truly, it will, though, and hopefully this month. I gotta pull the band aid off and have her stuff addressed once it's final so I can move forward. I'm really glad you said that about anger. I've held that in my whole life , and it manifests as depression and sloth. I need to channel it in healthy ways. I gotta get a new therapist. Thanks again!
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 08:15 PM
2

Thanks, man. I had that done a year or so ago, doctor said it was fine. I was really hoping I'd get pills LOL
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 08:07 PM
1

I just use the anger I have as motivation to keep achieving and living the best life I can. I've come to terms that I may hate her forever, I definitely couldn't find forgiveness. The guys who said divorce starts out amicable but doesn't end that way were right. 1.5 years into this thing. I'm really trying to use it as motivation. Always wanted to hike the grand canyon and Zion NP. I'm doing kayaking I always wanted to do. Honestly I don't even feel like it but I know I'll enjoy it when I'm ther…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 08:06 PM
4

Thanks, man. I really want to have hope.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 07:59 PM
1

Thanks! Im cautiously optimistic. My lawyer friend told me its really just clerical and kind of anticlimactic. I hope thats how it turns out, but who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 05:08 PM
2

I hear you, brother! My mom has BPD. The therapist told me I gravitate towards women with it because I want to fix them like I couldn't fix my mom , trauma bonding, etc. I did everything I could for my wife, and it wasn't even close to enough to helping her. She didn't want help. r/bpdlovedones and a lot of therapy and friends and advisors helped me get to the point I was able to finalize the divorce. I hope you can get some of the relief that I have out of therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 08:16 AM
2

Are you familiar with BPD? There's a sub called r/bpdlovedones that might have some similar stories. I hear you, man, this sounds a lot like my relationship. I was a shattered, empty husk of a person at the end. She sucked the life out of me daily. The drama never ended, and the stress was wrecking my health. I hoped my car would break down so I wouldn't have to go home after work. I haven't used either of those. I've been seeing a therapist in person and on the phone. I saw a bunch of them, bec…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 07:15 AM
2

I paid a lot of money to a therapist to get this advice.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 07:12 AM
1

Don't even get me started. Hucksters.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 12:28 AM
3

I told my wife she could get money or the lawyers would, but not both. She chose the lawyers, and to the penny what I offered her is what they were paid. I wish she'd made different choices.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 12:16 AM
3

Thanks for this, I'm checking it out!
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 11:35 PM
2

Sorry to hear that, man. It's incredible how fast it adds up.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 11:33 PM
1

I don't know what country you're in, but consulting an attorney is always, always, always good advice.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 11:30 PM
1

Man, I hope you're right! Until I have the paperwork in my hand, I don't trust anything. This isn't over till it's over. Then I'll have other problems taking care of some wife issues, but one step at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 09:52 PM
1

Man, I hope so. It sucks I have to spend more money, but I would love to hear that I'm across the finish line. I'd like to move on with my life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 09:30 PM
2

Thanks, man. That's what the lawyer said, my tax dollars at work, lots of cases are having this problem. She said with Covid and remote working, it didn't exactly improve efficiency. My experience is lawyers never seem to give me a definitive answer about most things, it's always qualified and maybe and no. She told me that this is definitely finished and done, not getting reopened, it's just clerical. I don't put all my faith in that, but I sure hope it's true.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 08:40 PM
1

I didn't make it very clear. It's all filed and signed off on, I don't know the legal terminology, but the court hasn't acknowledged that it's been processed, some ghost in the machine type snafu that they can't straighten out on the phone. I'm assured that everything is done and final and it's just clerical, but I know better than to believe it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 08:02 PM
3

We separated then I went to maybe half a dozen therapists/doctors/priests/divorce groups, all looking for a solution or hope. I wanted to be sure the first guy, a famous therapist, was right. Nobody else gave me much hope either, just some observations about my wife having BPD characteristics and it was all downhill from there. Oh, she went to a famous psych and then to a therapist and manipulated the process before quitting. My therapist said at best I could hope for small changes. I needed 95%…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 07:33 PM
1

I used to have my lawyer next to me having an air wank for hours for a 10mn hearing. So virtual is perfect. Ugh. This. That's *exactly* what I budgeted for, a paid day at the courthouse for my attorney for some BS that is entirely the courts fault. I'm sure I'll still pay way more than I would like, it's just one of the many things I can do nothing about. At least I don't have to pay for travel time, which could easily have been a few hours.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 07:25 PM
1

Good advice. In my heart of hearts, I want to believe the lawyers when they tell me this should be it. In my head, I know I should only hope for the football to be inched closer to the goal line.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 07:11 PM
1

Of course. Who else can understand this stuff like someone going through it?
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 06:53 PM
2

I can tell you my experience with BPD/NPD/whatever is very sad. Just like my BPD mom and NPD dad, I can't live with her or fix her. It's such a cruel condition that strings me along and leaves me drained.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 06:38 PM
2

I can relate to the stress, I've pulled over and puked on the way in to work a few times myself. Lots of fun. Are you familiar with BPD? I see some similarities and r/BPDlovedones has been a huge help to me. I had a doctor explain to me exactly how the stress would destroy me from the inside out way before my time. Something about the cortisol wrecking the pipes. My BPD wife never let me have a moments peace, would actively sabotage my work day by calling me and starting fights, telling me she w…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 03:58 PM
2

Wow. I thought I'd heard it all. Unbelievable.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 03:47 PM
2

The lack of control is the worst. I hear you, brother, PTSD is right!
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 02:50 PM
5

That is such bullshit.. Definitely. A lot of therapy patched me back together enough to get by.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 05:51 AM
4

That would be bonded labor and against free will . I always tell people the first things I had to throw out were the idea of fairness and affordability. In my state, I was on the hook for the income I earned during the time we were married. Court didn't give a care about Covid putting me out of work. I'd encourage you to talk to an attorney ASAP before making any major life changes.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 05:23 AM
2

r/BPDlovedones has been a big help to me. Sorry to hear you're in that situation, brother! I had a horribly stressful job, and the wife just ruined me with the added stress. I can only imagine how yours behaved!
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 05:20 AM
2

If you have a child together you can take everything I just said along with fairness/common sense and thow it right out the window, and hope your lawyer can keep you from getting divorce-raped. It's interesting how difficult it is for people new to the sub to let go of the idea of fairness. Myself included, I just couldn't believe what was happening, and how out of control it all was. Thank heaven for therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 01:18 AM
2

>But yet she is claiming that the home is 50% hers and she is fighting for 50% of the proceeds. Shouldn't she still have to pay the mortgage with that claim? This is probably new advice to you, but consulting an attorney would be an excellent idea. Perhaps you can carve out some time tomorrow, at say, 8 am? Call in sick to work if you have to, but nail this down, brother. I'll second what everyone else said, even in my horrific for divorce state, she would be entitled to half the appreciation, n…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 01:17 AM
1

Man, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Same with my wife's mom. I always try to gently suggest the BPD thing when I see red flags. I had no idea what it was myself until therapist #4 told me about it. I'd bet 3 out of 4 times I suggest r/bpdlovedones to people on this sub, they tell me about a mental diagnosis. It's uncanny how they follow the same script. My marriage was never ending stress, manipulation, circular arguments, etc. Nobody should live that way. I was miserable. Best thing …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 09:54 PM
4

Hey man, I must have missed this one somehow. I learned all about BPD from therapists after I filed for divorce and was trying to find a way to make it work with her. The never ending conflict, the emotionally draining conversations, circular arguments, all that stuff I'm very familiar with. When you said she threatened to lie in bed for a month and do nothing it hit home LOL Yeah before I filed I was shattered into 1000 pieces, and somehow she found a way to destroy me more every day. Work was …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 09:28 PM
3

You don't know till you know. Trust us on this one. Your wife sounds a little like mine. r/BPDlovedones really helped me deal with her personality disorder. I'd encourage you to talk to a lawyer (free consult)and a therapist or two about your plan. Not because it sounds bad, in fact I think it could be really smart, but an outside opinion by experts will help save you from unforseen consequences. Your lawyer can advise you, however generally men have to stay in the home to keep rights to it, and…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 09:18 PM
1

I hear you, man. Cluster B disorders are not easy to live with. Good on you for getting out!
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 08:56 PM
2

> I have to pay a friend of mine 25k . It is an old debt . Is it ok if I pay it off from my individual account ? Will it trigger any red flags in the divorce process. Cali here. I'm not a lawyer this is not legal advice. I think the first thing I was advised was that any moving of money beyond living expenses in 6 months to a year prior to filing would be looked at by the court with the presumption it was asset concealment. I was told if the judge gets the idea I was hiding anything he'd give my…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 08:01 PM
1

I got so lucky with some of this. If she'd had the opportunity to obstruct things she would have. Ex has BPD/NPD/whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 07:25 PM
8

I wasn't going to let my son see me miserable on the inside while smiling on the outside. Kids know My buddy who divorced his BPD wife said the same thing. Didn't want his daughter to grow up thinking this was normal behavior, which is exactly what I did, and led to me wasting my time with people with BPD. >I almost let her win and could have been in a jail cell on more than one occasion. I knew that sooner or later our arguments would have the neighbors call LE. I didn't want to find out what j…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 04:47 AM
2

So crazy that the worst thing that can help make you the best you! I'm determined to do the same thing. I was actually looking at Yamaha FZRs last night LOL. I don't have the balance for one, but I love motos. Beautiful machine!
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 04:32 AM
14

My wife is BPD, r/BPDlovedones helped me a lot. If she hadn't fought with me all the time over nothing, I would have put up with the rest of the dysfunction, worked myself into an early grave. My therapist said misery has no place in a marriage, and that it has to work something like 85-95% of the time, can't remember. Lucky for me, only about 5% of the time did our marriage work, so it was extremely difficult, yet clearer that it was hopeless. TL;DR Congratulations, you lucky so and so! You hit…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 04:29 AM
3

Buddy bought a sports car after his divorce. Swears he's not being cliche, etc. I told him just to own it. Why fight? Now, more importantly, what do *I* get? I'm thinking Lexus!
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 03:31 AM
1

r/BPDlovedones has stories like that
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/21 03:26 AM
2

Is your wife BPD by any chance? Mine had a list of semi-bogus health concerns that effectively made her unable to.function. She needs a caretaker.who is not me. I would have done it, had she not been impossibly argumentative.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/21 07:00 PM
4

Dude! I'm right there with you on the anxiety attacks. Oh yeah, we were going to the emergency clinics on the regular for heart attack scares. Turns out my wife is BPD, r/BPDlovedones helped me a lot. Fighting all day is no way to live.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/21 06:40 PM
1

Sometimes when you have a major life upheaval its worth paying out of pocket.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/21 12:54 PM
1

Congrats! I'm a broken record on encouraging people to get counseling. Glad to hear that it worked for you!
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/21 03:23 AM
3

Will this get any cheaper? What happens when she gets pregnant again? How do you force someone to do anything they don't want to do? Are you miserable every day with her? Have you talked to a therapist? Talked to a lawyer? The farther you out from a divorce, the more options you have with moving money around outside of normal monthly expenses, my lawyer told me. My divorce was under 2 years in my state, which meant a short term marriage that had much more lenient laws. Does your state have laws …
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/21 03:21 AM
1

I always encourage a therapist, ASAP. No reason to make this harder than it already is. I see mine via phone, but there's zoom and better health on line if you want to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/21 03:14 AM
4

I'd encourage you to get a therapist ASAP, because in my experience my divorce was easily one of the darkest periods of my life. I'd also encourage you to at minimum get a free consultation with an attorney. I read that most divorces start out amicable, but don't end that way. I don't know what nation or territory you're in. I can tell you that in the US there are a thousand different ways you can go wrong that a good lawyer can help you avoid. It makes me sick what my attorney cost me. However,…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/21 02:23 AM
5

>I dont really know how or what i should answer to her petition Never, ever, ever ignore anything. Lawyer up. To not do so could really hurt you legally.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/21 01:39 AM
1

Sounds like youre putting it all together, bro. Trust, this sub will let you know our unvarnished opinion. Lotta good advice around here. Hang in there, man!
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/21 12:31 AM
2

What feels good and what's strategically in your best interests are two different things. Don't make the same mistakes so many of us, myself included. Don't tip your hand. I encourage you to A) lawyer up, get a free consultation or 3 and see where you're at, start getting a direction and B) get to a therapist ASAP. It's 2021 and you can see people via phone, zoom, and places like BetterHelp(not perfect, but accessible). Take care of yourself. The beginning was super confusing and emotional, at l…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 11:40 PM
2

Everyone else has offered great advice. In addition to getting a free consultation with a lawyer or 3 ASAP, I'd also encourage you to get a therapist just as quickly. This is such a confusing time, I needed all the support I could get. I didn't always see things as clearly as someone else did. Please post often!
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 11:30 PM
4

The reason she wants to be platonic roommates is she probably already seen an attorney, divorce will be financially harmful to her. This. She has a strategy. I don't know what it is, but it's certainly in her best interest. OP needs a lawyer consultation ASAP to make sure his interests are being served.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 11:27 PM
2

Have her served - Best advice I got was to have a process server standing by if she refused to sign the notice that she received the paperwork. I had assumed she would cooperate, and was totally wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 10:46 PM
3

I'm no expert, others can tell you better than me. I'm not an attorney this is not legal advice, so take it FWIW. Here's my experience: >I can't hire a lawyer or anything because we have the single shared account I used a credit card for the retainer and payments. I just saw that you have a shared one. Might be a good idea to get one in your own name at a different address, if that's legal in your area. >and worse getting my own account is it goes in to a crazy round of fights, Some use a work a…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 08:57 PM
7

>And I got crucified on there for the things I said about my wife and my marriage, even though they were all true. Whenever I comment on that sub, I always give a link to this one. Very different vibe here.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 07:26 PM
1

FWIW that's a classic sign of a person with a cluster-b disorder. It's exhausting. I was starting to break down physically at the end.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 05:21 PM
3

I'm leaving a lot out for brevity's sake, but yeah, day to day life was impossible. I'm lucky for it, because if it had been more tolerable I would have stayed. We separated because of circumstances that made it much easier to do(long story) and I served her. I spent 6 months or so doing the therapist/psychiatrist/other professional tour, looking for a different answer, and didn't get it. She manipulated her therapist/psychiatrist situation before she stopped going altogether. Actually r/bpdlove…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 05:06 AM
4

Because I'm seeing some similarities, have you considered r/BPDlovedones? There might be some stories there that ring a bell. My wife hid the symptoms very well before we got married, although I certainly missed red flags that others would have caught. At the end, I started to hold her in contempt and no sex, seperate bedrooms(she'd wake me up constantly to fight at night or just hug me, but never let me rest), constant fighting, lots of push/pull stuff like she'd start a fight and tell me to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 04:41 AM
3

I told my wife I can give her the money or the lawyers, but not both. She chose lawyers. Wish she hadn't.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 01:23 AM
1

>How did you know it was time to divorce. I did everything I reasonably could to find a way to make it work, plus was having health scares and falling apart at the seams. I talked to 4 or 5 therapists plus advisors looking for someone to tell me how to do it, and none of them did.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 10:56 PM
3

Hey man I don't have any real advice, just sending you my sympathies. My BPD wife hated my job because it took me away from her so she tried to sabotage it, and that's our only income. It's terrifying.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 07:29 PM
1

Oh yeah, I hear you, I was going to do it myself with a filing service. My wife didn't want to cooperate, so I paid the lawyer. It makes me sick how much money it cost. However, I lose my mind when it comes to the legal stuff/divorce. If the lawyer calls me in the car I know I have to pull over right away or I'm gonna hit a curb, hell, I'm lucky if I remember how to park. And my paperwork got caught up in the even less efficient covid court system, so we have to get a hearing in person. They spe…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 05:18 PM
2

Man, I dunno what your motivations are. What I'm concerned about is what's best for you, and IMO that's to follow your lawyer's advice and not say a word. She'll have endless opportunity for payback, and yes she'll figure it out eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 12:54 AM
3

What I've said many times in this subreddit is that I hate what my lawyers cost me, however, they were able to look out for my best interests when I couldn't, or when I would have given away the farm. I wanted to hand over x number of dollars out of emotion and guilt, and they told me wait a second, how about 1/2x, or we could try 1/4x, and as a matter of fact we're not obligated so let's just wait...stuff like that. I don't think you're an idiot, OP. I think the game is rigged against us from t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/21 08:20 PM
3

Par for the course
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/21 02:51 AM
2

Man, you're not alone. Not even close. So many of us start out in a similar position. Divorcing has taken me to very dark places, and I lost my dad the year prior. Lots of good advice around here, I can tell you that time really does heal all wounds. I used to do therapy 3 times a week to patch me back together after being destroyed by my ex. I still go once or twice a week, best thing I've done in a long time. Like a lotta guys, I lost the weight and got into shape, despite the darkness. I'm ex…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/21 06:48 AM
2

If he was married for 20 years he needs more than a self help book. I'd encourage him to get into therapy, ASAP. Without tools to handle this turbulent time, it's common for men to find unhealthy ways to cope.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/21 02:31 AM
3

You guys are reminding me of why I got divorced. My wife didn't want a husband, she needed a caretaker/butler that she could fight with. We ate at restaurants minimum 5 times a week. I can't even look at them anymore, I've cooked all my own meals for the last year or so, and I work 60+ hours a week. She lived like she was on vacation with no regard for me. I think she wanted it to fail.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/21 10:13 PM
1

I'm certainly no expert or authority. Yes, I want to live in fantasy and think that my wife is not BPD and it can work. I smash that at every opportunity because hope is not a strategy. For me, that means reading books, r/BPDlovedones, and talking to a therapist. When I look at it rationally, what are the facts that support the idea that we can work? For me, there just aren't any, but that's my particular situation. The only advice I'm qualified to give is to encourage people to discuss their si…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/21 12:48 AM
1

heh brother, I hear you. I swear to heaven above the stories on r/BPDlovedones etc are frighteningly similar to my own. I have learned I am not unique LOL
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 10:00 PM
1

>JD S100 sick mower! Some friend of my parents took me for a ride on one like that when I was a kid and let me steer. Didn't even get mad when I hit his leaf pile. Cool dude. To the subject, Ive never been into cardio. I got that exercise bike people love to hate, and turns out I love the thing. I feel so much better, and it's fun, I never knew what I was missing.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 08:44 PM
1

It's not uncommon on this sub, that's for sure. Because I had no idea what it was, that my parents were cluster b and I am drawn to people with it, I try to mention it when I see similarities. In my research, the cluster b symptoms overlap. I can sure say my pwBPD had NPD characteristics. Once in a while I'd get breakfast in bed treatment. The other 95% of the time was miserable. No way for me, or her, to live. Yeah I hear you, I go back to r/BPDlovedones to be reminded that it cannot work. The …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 08:33 PM
2

No kidding! Wow I only wish I.could've gotten a fair evaluation, thats amazing ! I still to this day struggle with denial. I know.intellectually the fantasy of my wife doesn't match the reality and never will. My heart is weak though and wants to try again when its utterly impossible. Thats why I.stay.no contact.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 05:42 PM
1

Oh yeah, nobody wanted to say it out loud. They all agreed she had characteristics of it. Dunno if its a legal protection thing or not. As she quit therapy, I decided I had to make my own decision on her situation.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 05:12 PM
2

This. Learning about NPD and gaslighting was a revelation It was to me too. I didn't have a clue, until therapist #4, an older midwestern gentleman, mentioned some red flags. Putting a name to the behavior made giving up on the marriage possible, because it's a personality that doesn't. Ever. Change. As I understand it, that is.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 09:19 AM
1

> t seems that she loves and thrives on creating confusion... FWIW that's a characteristic of cluster b personality disorders. r/bpdlovedones is a good sub if you're ever interested. Lotta good stories. My therapist said that my wife would cause turmoil and chaos in order to get me off balance so she could control me. I have to say, it worked for her, but made my life miserable. If you're not in therapy, I'm a broken record on here encouraging anyone contemplating divorce to go for themselves. T…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/21 09:08 AM
2

>At no point would she meet me part way, seek help, or make any changes. >After two years it being super bad and me being depressed, You familiar with BPD? There's a forum called r/BPDlovedones that's really good. My wife was similar, she told the couples counselor I was 100% in the wrong, lots of fighting, I was completely miserable.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 07:51 PM
1

still questioning if it's the right choice and there's still a fear tied with going through with it that's tied to some childhood trauma. It wasn't till I went to a lot of therapy that I realized this whole trauma bond/BPD thing tied to my mom was now attached to my wife, and that's one of the reasons it was so difficult to leave. When I explored the issue in therapy, I realized I have repeated the same pattern of unstable relationships my whole life and didn't realize what I was doing. Just FWI…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/21 04:50 PM
1

>I’m trying to plan for the worse If you want to do this, get a lawyer. You don't have to tell her. I read that most divorces start amicably, but don't end that way. I've been told I want to really lock down the paperwork on this thing so if she tries to come back later and re-open it, the judge won't let her. I've been assured that the odds of that being successful are low but it's a sobering thought.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 09:59 PM
8

Boy oh boy, does this all ring a bell! Ever heard of BPD? I never had, either, until therapist #4 talked to me about it. There's a subreddit called r/BPDlovedones where there are a lot of stories with similarities, if you're ever interested. My wife was my warden, and we had circular arguments that never ended all day long. She told our couples therapist directly that I was 100% wrong and needed to change, when all I did all day was apologize even when I was right and somehow I'd still be wrong …
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 09:46 PM
1

Then if it’s possible to get served out of the country and they knew I was out of the country. They should have done that correct? I can only speak for CA. Here it's possible to do the whole putting notice in the newspaper thing, it leaves the door open for the spouse to come back and re-open the case at a later date, so that's not ideal. The small, not first world european nation my friend had to deal with, you needed to hire a retired policeman because of some treaty to serve her. He knew wher…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 05:08 AM
4

California here. My friend had to get his wife in a foreign country to sign and email back that she'd received the paperwork. If she hadn't , he would have paid a few thousand to have a policeman serve her there. I don't know anything about Michigan, but a 'last attempt' notice at least sounds like it might mean they've fulfilled their obligation to attempt to serve you. I think if it were my situation I'd hire a lawyer to look after my interests. Who knows what her lawyer has in mind.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 04:22 AM
7

I remember when my therapist talked to me about the feelings after a divorce, the emotional hangover. I was thinking if I get divorced, I'm going to feel great, what's he mean??? This has taken me to dark places I didn't know were possible. I miss the fantasy of my wife every day. The reality of her was miserable, which is why I got divorced. I try to stay in the reality as best I can. Therapy has helped me a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 04:15 AM
1

How do you even react to that? This is why I am low contact.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 02:42 AM
6

LMAO I remember my boss years ago saying that when his wife came in the door, she'd hand him her coat like he was a butler. Never expected it would happen to me :/
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 02:23 AM
6

People don't believe me when I tell them you can make 6 figures and have to rent a room in a house off of craiglslist after divorce. I see people from other states post their settlement and get jealous, not gonna lie.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 02:09 AM
3

When I talk to guys about being strategic, and having more options financially if they're a year or more away from filing, this is exactly what I'm referring to. Congrats! PS I actually know a guy into beekeeping, I used to get bee fancy magazine. I think it's really cool!
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 01:17 AM
3

I've got a bpd/narcissist/cluster b wife, which is my way of saying I hear you about divorcing one, and I ccome from a similar background that sought a cluster b out. I like r/BPDlovedones and I'm sure there are good subs for narcissism etc. Brother, I hear you about court! My anxiety over any court stuff is through the ******* roof because I'm so totally powerless over everything, and they're like the boogeyman under the bed, that can pop out and take my life away. I'm at around 1.5 years and s…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 01:13 AM
10

No you're not crazy. Have you ever heard of BPD? r/BPDlovedones is a good sub to check out, just in case. I'll give you a few zingers I got from my therapist: Is divorce going to get any cheaper? and Misery has no place in a successful marriage. I think he said it has to work 85 or 90% of the time, something like that. And the rest can be worked on. In my case, only 5% worked, I was completely destroyed and miserable with her. I can tell you in my case my health and willpower eventually gave out…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 01:06 AM
2

A lawyer can tell you what to do legally. A therapist can tell you what's best strategically. These people will be in your life for a very long time.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/21 05:52 PM
1

I can make suggestions on avenues for support. I can't give you the willingness to do it. If you're ever miserable enough, and tired of being sick and tired, maybe give alanon a shot. You'll find a bunch of people willing to give you a hand. It's up to you to do the work. I used to answer the phone for my local alanon. So many people call, terrified to go to a meeting or read a page from the book. I'd tell them to pray for the willingness to be willing. https://al-anon.org/newcomers/ Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/21 12:54 AM
2

First thing first, brother, if you're married to an alcoholic, you've already been through it. There's no punching anybody in the face. Be gentle with yourself. I go to alanon, and I work with a therapist. I couldn't live in the misery anymore, and frankly my hand was forced by circumstances to do it before a certain day or it was going to be much more difficult. Just talking about this, I can't believe I did it. I also had talked to a friend about doing it, and he referred me to a buddy of his,…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 10:46 PM
1

I go to therapy to help deal with the emotions that come up. Best decision I ever made. I always tell people that I had to let go of my definitions of 'fair' and 'affordable', because both those things don't have any relation to my divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 04:59 PM
2

Agreed. When it comes to what is worth fighting over, the truth is, not much.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 04:55 PM
3

I'm not OP, but I appreciated reading your reply. The level of discourse in this subreddit is exceptional. You said it, willpower to vaguely 'improve' can't hold up over time, we have to learn how to do it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 09:28 PM
3

Confirm with another attorney. This. I wish I'd consulted several attorneys. It's a false savings not to.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 09:21 PM
2

*** ****, this is almost my situation word for word, in a nutshell. She used to be able to admit she was wrong, made a mistake, apologized...after she got the ring I was 100% wrong all the time. I woke up today about 1.5 years after filing and its been one of the first semi-positive days. She's still trying to drain the life out of me, but allegedly I'm almost at the end of this. Never thought I'd get here. Not a minute too soon!
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 06:12 AM
5

This is very similar to my story. My therapist said misery has no place in marriage, and I was miserable every day. No BS, you sound done. I told my therapist I was starting to hold my wife in contempt, and he said basically it's over. FWIW he said if people had a good time during the marriage, then you attempt to get back to that(we didn't have it). We all have a role to play, and my wife felt hers was princess, and I was just her butler. Divorce doesn't get any cheaper. Other poster is right, …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 11:52 PM
1

Friend of mine went gourmet and does all this complicated stuff. I tried a cup, and never knew what I was missing. It was like wine, with different notes and things. Who knew?
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 09:22 PM
2

Living well is the best revenge. I'm pulling for you, brother!
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 08:49 PM
1

It begs the question, how's the coffee?
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 08:41 PM
2

Tell them to not let you do anything stupid Good advice. I was so distraught I wanted to offer wayyyyyyy too much and the lawyers told me hey, hang on a second, let's re-think this....I hate paying them but they looked out for my interests when I couldn't, and in detached ways that I couldn't even imagine.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 08:40 PM
1

the only real winners in my case were the attorneys Always!
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 07:13 PM
2

A lawyer can run your numbers through a computer program to give you your expected support. All depends on your state. In mine, painting with a broad brush, I can keep anything I can prove I brought into the marriage. If the house was bought before the marriage, she gets half the appreciation. Bought after marriage, she gets half. She gets half of retirement acquired during marriage. Child support plus alimony for half the length of the marriage unless its over 10 years then its permanent. This …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 05:58 AM
5

and have spouses that go for literally everything and will spend a fortune to get less. for the love of....I told her I would give her money, or it would go to lawyers, but we can't get both....she chose lawyers, so they got the money instead. Now she changed her mind. Little late for that!
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 03:46 AM
3

I told him I’m not going to pay for him to give my wife a free pass to treat me like shit while I have to be an angel. This sounds all too believable
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 01:11 AM
2

FWIW, I always recommend people get a therapist when considering divorce, for a bunch of reasons. Friends/family can get overwhelmed and mean well, they're not professionals though. I found myself talking to the wrong people when I didn't have a therapist, causing other problems. I also auditioned a handful before deciding on one. All had different approaches. I was looking to get a good reason to not divorce, that we could make it work, and I didn't get that. I figured after 5 therapists I'm se…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 01:09 AM
5

final judgement was no alimony and state formula for child support. For the love of heaven and earth, congratulations!!!
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 01:04 AM
2

When I was single, I used to joke about it being the thing you did before you got divorced. Never imagined that would be me one day LOL
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 01:01 AM
3

TL;DR In my opinion there's a club, and I'm not in it
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/21 11:56 PM
19

I encourage: getting a therapist. Discussing your situation with a lawyer to preserve your rights. I'd encourage you not to sign anything or make agreements. This is serious business, and I think people are well served by having a team of advisors that doesn't include the spouse. I know that I was emotionally distraught and wanted to give my ex everything, and my lawyer talked me out of it. Good lookin out.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/21 06:31 PM
2

I don't know enough to offer any experience. Great questions to write down and ask an attorney at a consultation. Wish I'd thought to ask more.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/21 04:35 PM
2

I hear you, man. This has been the darkest portion of my life, and it's a real struggle. I'm closer to the end than the beginning, after 1.5 years, so I've been getting out and doing stuff, like I took a class on canoeing at the marina today. Anything to get some positivity in my life and my mind off things for a few hours. I think you're so smart to find a therapist that has a specialty in divorce. I went to a bunch of different ones last year, auditioning them. Best thing I ever did. I encoura…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/21 07:02 AM
2

First things first, I'm proud of you for hanging tight through this last year. Sounds like you've been through it. Are you seeing a therapist? I know mine has helped me a lot, with everything that comes up. To be honest, I get so emotional and upset when it comes to my divorce and my lawyers, I lose my head. I've found most attorneys to give a phone consultation for free. I'd encourage you to call one or two, if for no other reason than to feel better about your decision to stay with the one you…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/21 04:02 AM
8

I think it's really common to have regrets. I talk to a therapist about this to remain strong, because it's just the fantasy of my wife that I miss. The reality was a very, very different story.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/21 05:20 AM
3

Thank you brother, same to you! Staying strong is the trick, isn't it?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/21 12:34 AM
5

This is fantastic news. I certainly hope you celebrate properly, I'm sure this day didn't come fast or easy. Congratulations!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 06:55 PM
1

I hate paying my lawyers. The audacious stuff they suggested in terms of settlement, though, I never would have thought of on my own.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 06:55 PM
1

Thanks, brother! Glad to hear that you're negotiating all this and making it through to the other side! Because my mom was BPD, I've been drawn to them all my life, without a clue as to what I was doing. I just realized today how much I like the partners of women with BPD; they've been really nice guys, in my experience so far. Maybe I'm not such an evil b****** like I tell myself, in my darker moments? Thank heaven no, I haven't seen the self harm or promiscuity come out(my therapist said to gi…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 06:09 PM
2

I feel for you man, both as a child of a BPD mother and as someone who was married to one. FWIW my buddy divorced his BPD wife and remarried to a great woman, and his daughter from his first marriage stays with them most of the time, in a sane household. Nothing is perfect, but the never ending walking on eggshells and tension of a BPD relationship I don't think is any way to live. It took a toll on my health, the doctor explained in full detail how the stress was killing me inside out.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 05:58 PM
1

They are just crackers mate all of em. I used to try and analyze back when I was new to this stuff. Now on a good day I just accept it and not torture myself trying to understand. >Oh that was nothing I was having a bad day. (or some other non sensical deflection) This gave me a chuckle. I remember like it was yesterday my wife telling me she wasn't yelling at me and she wasn't mad, she just raises her voice and talks really fast in a threatening way to get her point across. How fun! Guess that'…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 05:52 PM
2

They all do the same shit, well 99.9% of em anyway. I swear to heaven, every story on r/BPDlovedones could be my own. Whenever I see someone here with something similar. I try to mention personality disorder in reference to my own wife to plant a seed. I didn't even know what BPD meant when I went to therapy, much less that my wife had it. I went to a more senior therapist and he started talking to me about it first session, said he'd seen the patterns a million times.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 05:47 PM
1

I mentioned the BPD in case she'd had a diagnosis or something. It doesn't seem particularly uncommon around here. I have my own burdens to bear. It's still much, much better than the chaos and despair she brought into the picture.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 05:44 PM
2

if she can keep you engaged enough with her you wont move on and she can have her cake and eat it. Oh yeah, definitely. It's such a cruel disorder. She'd call me at work and start a fight, tell me to FO, tell me she's being followed, anything she could to get my attention. I guess I can't say it was night and day from when we were dating to married, but something like that.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 01:20 AM
1

ugh man I just had an unexpected medical event, lemme tell you I got the fear, the loneliness, missed her, all that. I didn't cave, fortunately, but I wanted to. Hope your surgery went well! Congrats on the therapy! It has helped me a lot. Yeah, I primarily let my lawyer be the bad guy when it came to getting her to cooperate. She would have ignored me, or told me no just on principal. Because my wife drains the energy from me, I was encouraged to have the lawyer do the talking. I was able to fi…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 12:32 AM
7

Oh yeah, my Borderline Personality Disorder wife asks me all the time to do stuff. Within reason, I cooperate, because I'm keeping that train moving down the tracks. The books would say it's a way for her to feel like she's still in control of me, get some attention, maybe hook me back, a bunch of reasons. It's in my best interest to keep things civil, until this thing is done.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 12:24 AM
2

Anytime. I remember my therapist telling me about the emotional hangover of divorce right after I filed, and I thought he was crazy. Joke was on me, the struggle is real. That said, there really is an end to this process, and life will go on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 10:20 PM
1

Sounds like some Borderline characteristics. I'd ask the attorney how best to respond(or not) to protect your own interests. I'm in a different situation, no kids, etc etc. For me personally, I ignored the ranting emails and didn't answer her calls. I'd answer anything that I thought was relevant. After a while, surprsingly, she has tried a different manipulation tactic, and has been very reasonable. I'm just trying to keep this train moving down the track till we get to that final hearing. It w…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 09:54 PM
3

Any thoughts? Sure. If you don't have a therapist, I'd encourage you to get one right away, as I do everyone on this forum. If you do have one, I'd encourage you to go several times a week, or expand your support team with other professionals or support groups, along with exercise and meditation and all the other things suggested around here. Personally, when it comes to my wife or divorce, I get so emotional I can't think straight. I communicate only when I need to with my wife, and then by tex…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 09:44 PM
4

My buddy asked for the ring back and returned it to costco. Not even kidding.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 09:34 PM
4

OP, my experience is this is a knowledgeable bunch that doesn't sugar coat. If we're all telling you that you're in good shape only being married for a year, then you probably are. I'm in the #1 most expensive state for divorce, and actually my situation is quite similar. First things first, I think you need legal advice. In my state, the clock stops the minute you serve her, so it was in my best interest to do it fast. It only gets more expensive the longer you keep her. Since my situation was …
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 09:13 PM
2

OP, my experience is that this was all overwhelming, and I had to recalibrate some long held beliefs I had, such as in fairness, rights, or what expensive looks like. Terrif to hear you're looking for a lawyer. My experience was that the first 30 days after being served were quite important, but that's in the USA. I'd encourage you to get a therapist, ASAP, for a lot of reasons. Preferably one with divorce experience or specialty. Gotta start building a support system, and a therapist is the rig…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 09:03 PM
5

Wish I'd read this sub before I started my divorce. Great advice here.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 08:51 PM
2

I can't add to the list but I got a chuckle out of these. A few of these I've read many, many times in this sub.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 08:02 PM
3

You don't have trust issues, it's just that you can't trust your wife! That's an appropriate response to a wife having emotional intrigues and who knows what else with other men. Take a minute, collect yourself, breathe. You haven't lost your kids, nothing has happened yet, just focus on breathing and on the moment. This really will work out. Lotta guys on this sub have been through this, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You're not a special situation, you'll get there too! I'd encou…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 10:21 PM
2

100% this
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 10:10 PM
2

Good for you, man! I went for the same reasons, tried 4 or 5 therapists to find one to convince me we could do it. In couples she said I was 100% at fault. In retrospect I could have been more understanding of that answer, if she didn't make my life complete misery 95% of the time. Unfortunately I don't have that kind of family situation. I remember when I first started all this how much I would have liked to, because honest to God I think I would have moved back in with my mom if I could have. …
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 09:45 PM
1

to protect me during this fucking nightmare. Oh man, I hear that. This has been the darkest period of my life. I always encourage people to get a therapist ASAP. My divorce lawyer friend said she'd tell people that in the consultation. She'd tell them they're going to want to talk, and she'll listen, but she charges much more than a therapist LOL. Yeah my uncontested divorce has taken a dive on me. The court system was the best my tax dollars could pay for to begin with, and remote working due t…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 09:28 PM
2

Someone on here said it better than me, most divorces start out amicably, and wind up at loggerheads. There is real money involved, and possible arrest. A lawyer can help you navigate this and protect your interests. Not gonna lie, it really sounds like you're in the middle of it right now. It sucks to pay them, but having a lawyer advise me how to protect myself really helped my anxiety and fear. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 09:17 PM
3

I can tell you my paperwork got screwed up in the court system due to covid and working remotely and my tax dollars at work. They told me they spent 3+ hours on the phone trying to get them to figure it out and now we have to go to a hearing to make the court acknowledge they received the paperwork, etc. I have a job, and an emotional investment in my divorce that makes it very hard for me to concentrate whenever it's brought up. I don't like paying a lawyer one bit. However, I couldn't possibly…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 08:38 PM
2

Because you're not filing any time soon, you have a lot more flexibility in financial preparations for this. An attorney can help you to protect your interests. Divorces frequently start out amicable, but don't finish that way. I'd encourage you to get a therapist ASAP, for a lot of reasons. I went to 4 or 5 trying to find one to tell me I could make it work. Instead I learned about personality disorders. hah!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 07:31 AM
1

No direct experience. I'd just encourage you to do everything you can to lock it down so this can't be re-opened at a later date. We deserve to move on with out lives.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 07:27 AM
1

Should I be a dog or a wolf or is there an in between? Brother, you pay your lawyer to do this for you so you're not the bad guy. I thought everybody knew that. My lawyer was savage in protecting my interests in ways that I couldn't contemplate because I was so devastated by the divorce. Sure glad she was!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 12:12 AM
1

Personality disorder. LMAO! I always wonder if I'm just projecting my situation onto others or if the clues are more obvious to me than before, but yeah, this.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/21 12:02 AM
3

The lawyer can help you strategize, make a lower lump sum offer rather than the full monthly alimony amount, for example. The farther you are from filing, the more your options are with money, as well.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 11:44 PM
1

I don't know what country or state you're in. This is lawyer stuff. My best advice is to erase your definition of fair and just accept only the court's definition matters. It'll help with resentment. The 35k, probably depends on how/when you got the money, if you bought the house before marriage. In my state you wouldn't get any credit for paying the mortgage, and they'd come after half the 35k by making you run up such a lawyer bill to defend against it that it's cheaper to let it go or just se…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 11:42 PM
3

I couldn't have written a better reply. Getting an exercise bike that everybody loves to hate turned out to be a great decision on my part so far. I can get that frustration out before bed(it's silent) or whenever I need to, without the hassles of going to a dark park to walk the track. I've been told alcohol is a depressant, that it helps you to stuff feelings so you feel elevated, but when it wears off those feelings are still there, plus guilt remorse and shame, encouraging you to drink again…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 08:02 PM
2

I think this is great advice. I hear you about the 'amicable' divorce. Just FWIW it's a strategy my coach told me. Whenever the divorce is mentioned, always say it's amicable , etc. Nobody needs/wants to know more and it keeps the conversational tone easy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 07:45 PM
1

>She gave me the option of her moving out now, or moving out in a year. Exes don't give the best advice. I'd get a lawyer ASAP to see if you can secure those valuables in a different place legally, and then do it right now or when she's away. Maybe just say they're in storage for your move or something. I'd be surprised if her attorney didn't go after them as communal property, even if you bought them before marriage, so my concern is making sure everything is on the up and up. I had multiple at…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 07:41 PM
14

I was devastated by this whole thing, still am. My lawyer kept me on track and looked out for my best interests when I couldn't.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 07:15 PM
2

I hear you on the control thing. She was a warden, not a wife. I guarantee that's one of the reasons she still contacts me for supposedly business related stuff. I placate her just to keep the peace, just like I did in our marriage LOL I gotta get to the finish line with the paperwork and then re-assess. I hope she finds someone and moves forward. Can't wait for the podcast. Sounds like a real doozy!
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 07:04 AM
4

She won't let me talk to them or anything. I don't know what to say. That sucks. Speaking for myself, I swear she changed and really let the dark side out the instant she got that ring. I never believed guys when they said that happened, but it did to me. We had bumps beforehand but after marriage it was all downhill.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 06:05 AM
2

I also get pissed bc this crazy bitch won't let me live in peace. I hear you, man. I'm so tired of being destroyed. I understand why people can become bitter. The struggle is real.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 04:36 AM
1

100% this is important. I hired a wardrobe consultant because I didn't know what to do. Long story short, I gotta look contemporary, and things have to fit. That meant going to bananna republic and spending like $500, but damn did it go a long way. The baggy Polo shirts I'd been wearing had to go, along with loose fitting chinos. I can go on and on but there you go. 40 over fashion is a good YT channel.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 02:23 AM
1

I get some random crap. At least she's not cursing anymore. She wants attention/contact/to know if she can still get me to do stuff would be my guess.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 02:17 AM
8

In a perfect world, sure, I think 1 year past the divorce being finalized. In my opinion, having this BS hanging over my head unfinished, getting lawyers emails, hearings, etc doesn't allow me to put my full energy into someone, and frankly I'm not at my best due to stress. That said, if someone else is interested on these terms, I think it's fair. My therapist encourages me to go on dates, make new friends, etc. I wasted too much time waiting for things to be perfect before doing them. F that. …
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 01:59 AM
2

from this bitch trying to reopen the divorce. Holy smokes, really??? I've been assured that my case will stand up to any re-opening, but the thought of an attempt scares me. Such BS.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/21 01:55 AM
2

Because of course. Why be agreeable?
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 09:41 PM
1

if you start financially abusing her, it will cost you dearly I had literally 4 lawyers, 2 worked for me and 2 who are friends, tell me not to do anything questionable with the money, because the judge would throw the book at me if I did.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 06:43 PM
1

I wanted to give my wife a pile of money. I told her it was that or paying the lawyers. Guess which she chose.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 06:41 PM
2

After filing and going to therapy, I found out my wife has BPD, which as you know is a close relative of NPD. I wouldn't wish that disorder on anybody. It destroys the lives of everyone around them. I swear I think a huge percentage of the posts I read on this subreddit involve someone with a cluster-b disorder. Granted, I may be projecting.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 06:38 PM
1

If you allow two lawyers to become your middlemen you still resolve nothing but it costs more Your whole post should be stickied, but precisely this. Those **** ******* will "negotiate" as long as you have room on your credit card, and they can play games with each other, not responding, etc to drag it out even further. I just realized the first of the month passed and I didn't get a statement from my lawyer for mystery conferences and discussions of my case. Hurrah!
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 06:35 PM
2

Man, I hear you. My wife utterly broke me and ground me under foot. The divorce took me to some dark places I had no idea existed. That said, with a lot of support from therapists and advisors, I have gotten along, and things are much brighter right now. I hear you about the lawyer thing, my wife has a few in the family. I'm not a lawyer this is not legal advice. As I understand it In my state, assets acquired during the marriage get divided. Doesn't matter if that car is in my name, if I got it…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 06:24 PM
3

In r/BPDlovedones we call that greyrocking, not reacting to them. Easy to say, hard to do, when my wife would press all my buttons. She liked to call me at work and start a fight, demand I come home for some drama of the moment, etc. She hated being alone, then she hated me when I was there. I could never, ever win, no matter what I did. Hope you can't relate LOL I wouldn't wish this shit on anybody. And brother, I was utterly broken by my wife. Fuck I burst out crying at the divorce lawyer's of…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 03:07 AM
2

It took me a lot of studying, a lot of therapy, and r/bpdlovedones to finally accept the situation. I decided that I had to make my own diagnosis as it was impossible to get her to go to therapy, and when she did, they're super hesitant to say someone has a condition that isn't covered by insurance. None of them disputed the symptoms, when I brought it up. I don't mean to project, I hope that's not your situation for sure. Stay strong, and hope you post often!
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 02:58 AM
2

I remember when I went to Therapist #4, and I was amazed that within 20 minutes of me telling him about my wife, he asks me if I was familiar with BPD and cluster B personailty disorders. Now, I see the same story as my own here and on r/BPDlovedones over and over again. My wife would have rage episodes, divorce talk weekly. She sucked all the energy out of me and left me a shell of a human. I couldn't believe the future faking anymore after we moved to a new place she wanted, and her behavior g…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/21 02:01 AM
1

Nobody should have to live like that, with the never ending tension. I had more than a few professionals explain to me how my life expectancy would be cut short if I stayed with her, and I have no reason to doubt they're right. I had barely even heard of BPD, much less did I know my mom had it and that's why I felt shitty with my wife just like I did with her. Admittedly it may be confirmation bias, but I see a lot of characteristics of cluster-b disorders in r/Divorce_Men posts. Like they could…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/21 04:39 PM
1

OP my wife is BPD, and as I'm sure you know there's a lot of overlap with the cluster b disorders. I say that to say this, I hear you, it really sucks to be in this situation. When I went to therapy, and got an answer to why I ignored the red flags and married someone just like my mom, it changed my life, or at least my perspective. Hang in there, and hope you post often!
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/21 04:01 PM
2

This is a great post. I always encourage a therapist ASAP, because the feelings are so intense. Glad you mentioned auditioning different ones. I went to I think 5 and it was really great.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/21 03:59 PM
1

I encourage anybody considering or going through divorce to get a good therapist. It's a roller coaster. I'd also encourage getting a lawyer asap, before really taking any actions at all. The first thing they did was tell me what I could or couldn't do with money, living arrangements, etc etc. It's easy to make a mistake without knowing it. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/21 05:38 AM
1

I don't know if this is relevant, but I can tell you that for shipping inventory purposes I valued household items at what I'd get for them at a garage sale. Which is to say, not much. Books I valued at 10/$1.00, a shirt for like a .25c . Fellow Californian here. You ever get jealous like I do of people getting divorced in other states?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/21 11:10 PM
2

My tactic is not to respond to provactive texts and emails. I'll keep it brief, but cooperative wherever appropriate. It's not exactly fair, I give more than I get, but this train is going down the track and I want to keep it moving. Why invite headaches, I had enough of those when I was married.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/21 01:38 AM
2

I 100% agree with the above post. The only thing I'd add is I always encourage therapy in a divorce, for more reasons than I can list. u/Adorable_FecalSpray as someone whose ex is BPD, you have my compassion. I wouldn't wish that on anybody
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/21 10:17 PM
1

Divorce brings with it what I like to call "freedom tax" sometimes you just pay to keep the peace until you get the divorce. Is if fair? no. But what are you buying? and what are you saving. I came here to say this.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/21 02:40 AM
1

It's every other weekend, and an hour is nothing. This sounds like more of an emotional rather than logistical problem, which unfortunately is much tougher. Is it possible some part of you is still holding on? I always suggest therapy for people on here because it's helped me so much. I dunno if it's relevant, but my therapist told me I need to move out of the place I shared with my wife. Honestly, I'm surrounded by memories of her here in this place, I can't wait to get out of here. Good luck, …
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/21 05:54 AM
5

Wish I'd known to do this. Great advice. Only thing I'd add is to consider getting a therapist ASAP. This is a stressful time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/21 05:39 AM
5

> Rationally speaking I’m over our relationship Doesn't sound that way if you're in constant communication. Nothing wrong with that, I did the same thing, trying to find a path to reconciliation. A lot of therapy and Reddit, actually, helped me to move ahead with the divorce. I 100% agree with the other poster, keep it civil, keep on her good side, but keep the ball rolling to the goal. Doing this without as little friction as possible will go a long way. I always encourage to get a therapist AS…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/21 06:53 AM
7

As someone who has a pile of his exes stuff in his living room because of logistics...i got a real chuckle out of your analogy
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/21 06:44 AM
2

Smart man. I only wish I'd gone sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 10:23 PM
2

That's awesome you're putting together a gameplan, brother! You will get through this. If I haven't mentioned it already, I encourage everyone to get a therapist ASAP, for a bunch of reasons. My lawyer friend used to tell her divorce clients to hire one, because they were much cheaper than talking to her about the wife! Hang in there, it's a slow process, but there will be an end. Just take it day by day.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 07:01 PM
1

Ifs ands or buts, coconuts, man. This is such an emotional process, at least for me, cold hard reason flies out the window and I make emotional decisions. I never wanted to get divorced, I wanted to make things work, so I was less decisive than I should have been.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 06:11 PM
2

I hear to not stop looking even if you think you found a good one. Good for you. I went with the person a friend of mine recommended because I was an emotional mess and couldn't think straight, and had a deadline. In hindsite, I wish I'd been in a position to at least interview several and ask questions, like what is this going to cost, what can I do to save money, etc. Protip: You can hire the process server yourself and it's cheaper than having the attorney do it. Just FYI. Please post often, …
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 06:06 PM
1

I hear that. Thank heaven my lawyer taught me all about leverage and how to protect my interests. At the time, I was upset and it seemed harsh, but they were right.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 11:10 PM
1

I dont know what to pursue first, the divorce or sell the house. Brother. You need an attorney, like start interviewing them right now. They'll direct you how to protect your interests, exactly what your obligations are, the rules to the game, so to speak. I wanted to give away everything because I was upset, and my lawyer told me to hold up on that. This is Covid. In my coastal city, they tell filers that its going to take an extra 6 months+, on top of the usual 8-12 months. I'm in year 2 now. …
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 11:09 PM
4

>And even after all this, I’m still in love with her. I hear you, brother, there's lots of us here in the same boat. I encourage you to get a therapist ASAP if you don't have one, like tomorrow, because that's a lot to unpack. I'd also encourage you to get an attorney(get recommendations from friends and even better if you interview a few of them before picking one). I can tell you mine was able to look out for my interests when I would have given away everything because of my emotions. FWIW, co…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 10:47 PM
1

How far apart are you two on the numbers? I ask because I got hung up over less than 10k, and my lawyer friend convinced me I was being unreasonable. I feel for you, it's tough to try to settle something in a high conflict arena. I'd defo contact the attorney and find out what obligations you have regarding her moving in/giving her furniture. I would've given my wife a bunch of cash and things with no paperwork and my attorney stopped me, told me to wait till my wife signed some things I needed.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 01:59 AM
1

It's still surprising how similar all our stories are. I asked my wife how she knew some particular thing, and she said she felt it so strongly it must be true. One of the popular books is 'stop walking on eggshells', which is what I had to do to try and appease her 24/7 to keep her calm and not make a scene. It gave her all the power to get what she wanted, but the toll it took on me was more than I could bear. I couldn't live with the never ending stress and conflict, and unending misery is no…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 12:26 AM
1

I don't love my job but it is a place to go with people around and a reprieve from thinking about my situation. Therapist #4 was the guy brave enough to mention BPD. Now it's obvious, but I didn't have a clue then. The circular arguments, the push-pull, constant stress, feelings are facts to her, all of it is pretty textbook for BPD. Not gonna lie, every day I have to fight to smash the fantasy that my wife can be reasoned with or recover. I don't want to believe she has BPD. I keep going back t…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 11:06 PM
2

Was it your partner that had BPD? Unfortunately. Also, turns out my mom has it, which is explains a lot of things, like why my mom makes me feel horrible like my wife, and why I didn't see the red flags. Honestly this term confuses me so much! When therapist #4 asked me if I'd heard of it, I had no idea, just that I'd gone out with some women that were bi-polar before. In my humble opinion, the cluster B personality disorders all overlap and have similarities, and professional diagnosis is unlik…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 09:28 PM
5

hah bro you're a rockstar, a man after my own heart! I've literally done or at least considered most of the things you described. I decided to get in the best shape of my life, find a new career, take lessons with a golf pro, try kayaking, etc etc. I'm not getting any younger, and there's a lot of stuff I always wanted to do since I was a kid. Now is the time!
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 09:00 PM
2

And hopefully neither of us will ever go through the hurt again. Amen! Best thing I did was go to a bunch of different therapists to discuss my divorce. All were good, a few had different perspectives that were valuable, none told me the marriage could be saved like I wanted. One was a doctor and explained how the stress would get me before my time, and one asked me if I was familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder. That rabbit hole led me to discover why I got involved with her and had suc…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 06:56 PM
6

Oh yeah, I'm right there with you. I've had a lot of days that it might have been sunny outside but it was midnight inside my head. With time and a lot of therapy, I get less of them. I made a new postit for the bathroom mirror today. It says I can control the effort, but not the results, which applies to everything from my golf swing to job applications. I'm also trying to remember the 3 foot rule, which is I can only control things that are within arms length of me, everything else I'm powerle…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 11:49 PM
8

I hear you, man. I talk to a therapist a few times a week because the whole thing is so frustrating, and I've never felt so powerless. I'm trying to focus on improving my health, taking up sports, having some fun and doing things I've always wanted to do, etc to focus on positivity. It's a daily struggle, and honestly there are some days I spend looking in the rearview mirror instead of straight ahead. I started getting some golfing lessons. Gives me something to concentrate on and get my head i…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 11:10 PM
2

although it doesn’t feel like it most of the time This has been the most devastating time of my life, in so many ways. I talk to a therapist a few times a week to help muddle through it. Every day I get a little closer to a resolution, though. The current pandemic situation hasn't sped things up in the court system.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 11:02 PM
4

I put up a postit on my bathroom mirror that says I can love myself as much as I loved her. I try to get closer to that every day. FWIW, I encourage anybody going through a divorce to seek therapy. This is one of the most stressful things we can go through, and friends and family can only help or listen to so much. hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 10:23 PM
1

I've been doing therapy like crazy since we separated. I need the help. I had no idea my mom was BPD so most women I was infatuated with were cluster B disordered. One of my therapists told me if I go to a party and see a woman there, and I become magically attracted to her, to run the other way LOL. There's someone out there for us both!
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 07:07 PM
2

I'm no expert or authority, just a guy with some experience with PDs, and this is exactly what it sounded like to me.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 06:57 PM
1

She had some serious mental issues, From a guy whose wife has a PD, salut to you. Life is too short to live like that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 06:56 PM
1

This...this is sage advice. The court is going to do what they're going to do, but the farther you are from filing, the more options you have to be strategic and protect your interests. My lawyer savagely defended mine.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 06:52 PM
1

First off, brother, I hear you. What you're describing is very similiar to myself and my marriage. Dysfunctional family background both her and I. Went to 5 therapists before one asked me if I'd heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything started to click, why my wife made me feel horrible like my mom, why I didn't leave her, etc etc. I hope that's not the case with your situation and that you both can make some adjustments to make it work. One of my therapists told me not to expect any…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 06:49 PM
4

I went to half a dozen different therapists looking for one to tell me it could work. 4, including 2 retired priests, told me to get divorced, one doctor explained why this relationship was killing me, and the last said she thought we were in trouble for other reasons. I did other stuff too, but that's the short version. It was enough to convince me to get divorced. One who does a well-known radio show told me that once I started to hold her in contempt, it was essentially over. He was right. I …
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/21 08:57 PM
2

Oh man, you got so lucky.. this is a success story. ..congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 05:28 AM
1

Ever read posts by people from other states and get jealous at their laws? I know I sure have. Unfortunately that delay window sounds about right. I'd have gotten away with only 8 month delay if the court hadn't had filing problems.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 01:53 AM
3

Appreciate it, man. Had a few rough days. I hear you about embracing what little we can control in a situation that feels entirely out of my hands. I'm getting into the best shape of my life, taking up some hobbies I've always wanted to, etc. I still have my moments, though. Thank heaven I don't have to live with stbxw. It was not a good time when I talked to her daily trying to reconcile. I still get emails and it knocks me back. Someday, this wil be done, and I'll be a better man. I'll take yo…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 10:08 PM
3

Thank you so much, man! Yeah, I really learned how marriage is a business partnership in the divorce process LOL I've made a lot of mistakes I hope not to repeat. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 09:18 PM
1

I get it now why guys just give their ex everything to move on with their life. You just get worn down by the conflict and the process. Someone told me the distance between where I was at in the divorce and the light at the end of the tunnel is largely up to me. He was right, I dragged out things I wish I hadn't, but 20/20 hindsite. Sounds like you have a good attorney looking out for your interests. I hate paying them, but they did good work for me when I'd have given away the farm.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 09:16 PM
5

This is the biggest win I've seen in a long time. My wife wouldn't agree to anything, so the lawyers got the money. I hate to pay them, but I'll never get this straightened out without an attorney now.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 09:06 PM
3

Cali here, for the record. Things are a nightmare with the court right now. Supposedly with the vaccines getting out there things are getting less bad.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 09:04 PM
5

'd love to hear some coping strategies that don't involve drugs, alcohol, or a bullet. If I hadn't experienced divorce firsthand myself, I'd have thought this was a dramatic statement. This has easily been the darkest time of my life, and I've had thoughts of drinking and smoking to get through it. COVID hasn't helped. Thank God I've been going to therapy, such as it is. How's your blood pressure? After some heart attack scares, I found out mine was high, and had a doctor explain how the stress …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 09:02 PM
3

Ugh. I hear the same story time after time, and experienced it myself. I made an offer that she wouldn't accept, so all that money went to lawyers instead.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 08:56 PM
2

Man, that sounds like a great plan! I've been separated almost 18 months and the court botched my final paperwork so I'm just waiting to get a court date while they grind my Visa card into dust, with no end in sight. I gotta take it easy on myself. I'm letting it get to me. That was my plan, too, to commit to a year with therapy. Been one of the best things I've done in ages. Glad to hear you're sticking with it! How you been holding up during this whole thing?
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 08:51 PM
2

I hear you. I thought it was going to feel great to be free of her. In a way it does, but the emotional hangover has been more than I bargained for. I think that individual therapy should be mandatory for anyone going through this. Maybe it's just my situation, but I needed to see them a lot to patch me back together enough to get through.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 08:37 PM
5

Wow....I'm in California...Ohio sure looks like a bargain! It sucks, but you will get to the end of this, unlike so many I know in this state. I can tell you that my lawyer ran the program, figured out what I'd owe, what she'd get of other assets, and came up with a number we'll call X. The tactic was to offer her around 1/3 or 1/2x in a lump sum and call it done, otherwise we'd make her fight to get the full amount, and it would cost her that same amount in lawyer fees just to get it, so they e…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 08:28 PM
2

The questions you're asking need to be answered by your lawyer. We all told you to get a lawyer. The only thing to be sure of is divorce feels like shit and you're gonna get screwed if you sign papers your own attorney hasn't looked at.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 01:36 AM
7

>I'm going for a walk. Always a good idea. I got a exercise bike and ride my frustration away.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 12:26 AM
5

I hear you man. As someone who felt extremely guilty about the divorce and wanted to give my wife way more than I had to, I hear where you're coming from. My attorney was able to tell me to hold up before I made any promises, and looked out for my best interests when I was too emotionally distruaught to do it for myself. I was ruined. My suggestion is to get a therapist ASAP if you don't have one, and get a lawyer right away too before you sign anything else. My experience is that an attorney lo…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 12:06 AM
3

nah he knew how it would end. They wound up selling the house.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/21 01:36 AM
2

My friend's wife asked him to put the whole house in her name, and keep paying the mortgage, and she'll buy him out when she gets a job. What a great deal.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/21 09:27 PM
1

California here. Think it's been almost 9 months since filing the final paperwork. Gonna take an in court appearance by my lawyer to get it straightened out as the court royally screwed it up. Lucky me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/21 08:45 PM
2

What country are you in, and if in the US, what state? Under 2 years makes a ginormous difference in my west coast US state. Once you file it stops the clock, like a timeout in a football game. A consultation is free, I'd interview some lawyers to see what they can do for you. Even if it's completely agreeable, and you fill everything out correctly, my paperwork got completely screwed up at the court. Covid didn't make things any more efficient in the system. I gotta pay my lawyer to go with me …
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/21 01:43 AM
3

My problem is I can't just go. I feel too much guilt. I can relate. I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist about why you can't let go ASAP. When I got the answer to that question, it made a huge change in my life. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/21 01:37 AM
1

Sounds like a whole lot going on there. I encourage anybody going through a divorce to get a therapist ASAP. It's incredibly stressful.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/21 01:32 AM
8

Best thing I got out of it was talking to a therapist and asking why I chose to do this. The answer was huge for me. My wife was Borderline, which is a nightmare I wouldn't wish on anybody.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/21 07:29 PM
16

Here's what my therapist told me about this behavior. It's the cheese in the mousetrap. That stuck with me. EDIT: it goes without saying that a therapist is a must during a divorce, IMO. If for no other reason than they're much cheaper than talking about unnecessary things with your expensive lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/21 07:11 PM
1

So much this. No way the juice will be worth the squeeze trying to pursue this, even if he is right.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/21 06:49 AM
3

I'm a broken record, but only because I think it's so important. I think going to therapy should be mandatory for all men in a divorce. I've gone through a lot of what you have. Divorce has been stressful beyond words. From reading your post, I see a lot of similarities to stories I read about in r/BPDlovedones. My BPD wife wants me back, ofc she needs someone to take care of her. She won't behave any differently, though. Nobody should live like we did. There's no logical reason I should want he…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/21 11:15 PM
4

Your whole post really hit home for me. I'm not OP but thanks for the links. I've been in a lot of therapy since I started my divorce. Easily one of the best things I've done for myself in years.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/21 11:11 PM
1

Have you talked to an attorney? One of the first thing they explained to me is how my hands were essentially tied financially. They told me moving any amount of money more than normal living expenses something like 6 months to a year before filing would be scrutinized for evidence of hiding assets. The division of assets is really up to the court, but there are a lot of different approaches to it, negotiatations, etc. If I could talk to myself before filing, I'd tell me to forget about what my c…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/21 07:58 PM
1

Complaining is just too much at this stage. I am choosing peace over financial considerations. heh I can relate to this so much. I remember when I started this and I was worried about pennies. Little did I know. I'm so beaten down after almost 1.5 years of this I just want it to be final so I can move on.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/21 11:53 PM
2

I'm finalizing my divorce. My wife desperately wants to keep me for sure. She doesn't want to behave differently, however. She wants me to change to accept her behavior, because she isn't doing anything wrong in her mind. 95% of the time I'm totally miserable with her, fighting constantly (she has Borderline PD). I can tell you that being alone is 1000% better than being with her. I'm lonely, but I'm not miserable and constantly stressed out by whatever she's doing to get attention that minute.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/21 11:50 PM
1

I couldn't agree more, friend.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/21 10:02 PM
1

I stopped reading after the part about what does she bring to my life outside of sex. In my case, 95% of my life with her was a misery. The only thing she did was keep me from being alone. I can relate to the codependency. Before the divorce, I got into therapy, and 4 therapists later found out about BPD, and that my mom had it like my wife. Oofah. I only have a minute, so I'm going to be direct. Your life sounds messy. A therapist was a good start to unraveling the mess I've made of my own life…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/21 08:12 PM
3

I've noticed a recurring theme in the Divorce subreddits. People think their idea of what is fair is relevant. Long story short, it's up to the court. I'd encourage you to get a free consultation immediately. I'd also ask the lawyer if you can tap into the communal account to pay him, if you don't have your own savings.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/21 05:00 AM
5

Hey man, FWIW, what you're describing has a lot of symptoms of someone with BPD. I may be projecting, but there it is. There's a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells about it. In my case, my wife and I fought or had drama daily. I had to leave work several times to appease her;I was afraid she'd come to the office and flip out. She knew that the threat of making a scene would manipulate me. I slept in another room, still got woken up, etc etc. Two things, reallly. One was when we both started h…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/21 10:20 PM
2

Brother, I hear you. We've all been there. A good therapist can help you with this stuff. I only have a minute, so unfortunately I have to be direct. What I'm hearing, in my opinion, is denial and excuses. It doesn't mean you're wrong, friend. I had similar explanations for my inaction, we read it every day around here. The truth is the world is not going to end if you go see a lawyer, she's never going to know. It will, however, smash a lot of fantasy of the relationship working out, which I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 06:44 PM
2

She’s making out that I should not be thinking about money at all, and should just be concerned about her and the baby’s wellbeing, and I should just happily melt away into the background whilst paying for everything and helping her when it gets too difficult. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were just copypasting from other posts. I've read exactly this before. A more cynical person might call that guiltripping, manipulation, gaslighting, or plain old deceit in order to benefit herself at y…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 10:14 AM
2

Time really has helped a lot, although this has dragged out due to Covid. So yes it gets better and easier, with the cliche of it being a roller coaster, etc etc. Last few days have been hitting the bottom again, and there's nothing to do but go through it. I've been seeeing a therapist 3 times a week for 6 months now. If I were king I'd make it mandatory to have a therapist during a divorce. It was so much more difficult emotionally than I imagined.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 09:49 AM
2

Ooooh your good English and my USA bias had me thinking you were in the states. Man, I hear you about being afraid about the lawyers bills. My therapist asked me if it was going to be any cheaper if I waited, and the answer was no, only more expensive. Not to be harsh, I say this with kindness because I understand better than most how difficult it is to believe what's happening, we can't afford to hope for the best. Isn't that awful sounding? The lawyer I hired looked out for my best interests s…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 09:44 AM
7

I seriously had to go in front of a judge (both all day long sessions) OMG. I'm furious I have to have one of the firm's partners go to court for...half a day? a whole day? on my dime just to straighten out my filing, which is to say, I have a good idea what that costs!!! Sick is a good way to describe it. Oh yeah, I'm on year 2 of this divorce. I didn't recognize who I became when we were married, and now, again, she's draining the life out of me. She's never ending misery. Except there really …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 09:32 AM
4

I skimmed. Investment property, 2nd mortgage, trying to reconcile, and she's going to be a stay at home mom(for only a year? call me skeptical). I can tell you that divorce is so wildly, spectacularly destructive and expensive, any amount you are concerned about is nothing in comparison. I'm not exaggerating. In my state, money/inheritance brought into the marriage belongs to the person who brought it in, with lots of lawyer exceptions, of course, fwiw. Brother, if I were a friend of yours, I'd …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 09:20 AM
5

I wish I could give you advice. I can tell you I've heard this story lots of times. There have to be some people on the internet somewhere that can give you some guidance. Hang in there!!
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 09:03 AM
3

This is not unusual at all, and I'll let you be the judge as to why. FWIW in the state I live in , if you plan like a year in advance to divorce, you have a lot more flexibility in moving your assets around legally. Where I live I think the lawyer said you can't move anything substantial around 6 months or closer to filing as it'll be considered hiding assets.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 09:01 AM
17

OMG. I married a BPD/Narc for 11 months. I thought my divorce was expensive. She's still destroying me in the court system. Sooner or later, though, this will get to the finish line. Been in therapy 3 times a week to hold it all together. Kinda amazed I can still function at work TBH.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/21 08:58 AM
6

I hear you, man. If I could've gone to be near my family I would have. I've been talking to a therapist 3 times a week for months, and thank heaven for it, because I need the help. I don't know about the house personally, but I heard it could cause problems. That's serious, I'd talk to my lawyer about it to be on the safe side. I encourage you to reach out and get support from professionals. Honestly I needed to talk my head off, and when I wasn't seeing a therapist, I'd wind up accidentally say…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/21 08:44 AM
0

My divorce is emotionally draining, and I react emotionally. On my best days I'm able to be fair to both of us, which means giving her more than is strictly necessary. I'm getting something for my money, which is closer to the end of this thing with less conflict. It's helped reduce my stress level, and that's worth something, too.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/21 06:04 PM
1

I always recommend a therapist for anybody going through divorce. I can tell you that my friend, who is an attorney, hired one of those DIY divorce type places to help him file paperwork and whatnot. My divorce was supposed to finalize and Covid screwed up the system so it's hung up. Gonna pay my lawyer a fortune to fix it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/21 01:37 AM
2

When my spouse refused to even sign for the papers, I knew hiring a lawyer was a good idea. They protected my interests savagely, in ways I couldn't because I was so distraught. I can tell you that my friend, who's a lawyer, split stuff with his wife (no custody issues) and hired one of those paperwork places to help with the filing. Worked for him.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/21 10:39 PM
1

It's criminal what lawyers cost and they'll take alll the money so there's nothing to split. That said, my paperwork got completely screwed up due to court system snafu during Covid, so there's no way I could have handled that myself. These are not normal times.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/21 10:22 PM
5

This is roughly my experience.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/21 06:20 AM
3

These are lawyer questions. They can help you with how to best protect your rights and interests.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/21 01:45 AM
1

Hey, as someone who has done something similiar, congrats! I love those pants too. Sales are the only way to go.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/21 07:08 PM
5

heh I've been going through this my self. I heard you either gain or lose weight after a divorce, and I decided I wanted to be on the right side of that. Sucks buying a new wardrobe, but hey, I look at lot better. I'm wearing skinny pants. If you'd told me a year ago I'd do that I would have laughed at you. The salesperson was right, though, they're more stylish.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/21 12:14 AM
3

Thanks for this. I'm feeling shafted I have to pay my lawyer to show up in court for half a day to straighten out my paperwork filing(court is screwed up during covid) but at least I'll know it's done right. I hope.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/21 12:11 AM
4

I can tell you that was my experience. Time has helped immensely.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/21 02:28 AM
5

A therapist would be able to help you answer that question. I highly, highly recommend it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/21 01:54 AM
3

Hey man, you're not alone. The one piece of advice I feel qualified to give is to encourage people to seek out professionals, specifically a lawyer and a therapist. A divorce is like a very, very long car crash. It's shocking and you never know how it'll turn out. I think the people who do the best are the ones who get a therapist immediately. Best thing I ever did. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/21 06:42 PM
4

This is why I suggest to everyone to get a therapist ASAP, like tomorrow. It's very common for people here to have a suitcase full of documentation of infidelity and wrongdoing. AFAIK it doesn't matter to the courts. A divorce is a dissolution of a corporation so it's very accounting related in a lot of ways. No reason to assume it has to go to trial. Get a consultation with a lawyer or 3, ask a lot of questions, and pick who you think is best for you. I wish I'd been more prepared. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 03:41 AM
2

Just a thought to encourage you to consider getting a divorce therapist. I actually got a divorce sponsor through a 12 step group. Helped me immensely because hed been there. Some therapists have different strengths. I wish I'd interviewed more. Good luck!!
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/21 02:43 AM
3

haha are you me?? Truly is the best thing I've done for myself in years, going to therapy. I did something smart (and due to traveling) I auditioned 4 or 5 therapists. All were good in their own way, with different genders and perspectives. None of them told me what I wanted to hear, which was a way to stay together. Then therapist #4 told me about Borderline Personality Disorder, and how my wife might have it, and the dominos began to fall. I thought my problems would be over when we divorced, …
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/21 02:31 AM
4

NO personal conduct by a married party matters in divorce. I see that a lot, guys trying to build their case against the wife. I'm sure it's legitimate, it's just that it doesn't matter to anybody but you. My friend who is a divorce lawyer told me one of the things she tells new clients is to hire a therapist because she isn't one, and they're going to want to talk to her, and she'll listen, but its costing $300+/hr. But yeah my advice to OP is to get a therapist, RIGHT NOW. Second is to ask the…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/21 02:22 AM
2

Oh man. Sounds familiar. My ex had me leave work to pick her up because she refused to get something to eat - couldn't drive, walk, Uber, or send for food. I had to come get her. I did it so she didn't come to work and make a scene, or burn the place down or something. Nobody should live like that. Half a haircut, though. That's brutal. Another time I had to leave work to take her to Starbucks. Lotta fun, the ex lol
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 09:22 AM
2

Brother, what you're talking about sounds very weighty. I know I had to do a ton of therapy to piece things back together after my wife destroyed me. I can tell you a friend of mine divorced his BPD wife that he had a baby with, and got re-married. His first daughter now lives with them, and they're very happy. Fortunately for me, my wife couldn't control her anger enough for us to have 2 good days together. If she could've been stable for a month at a time, I never would have left. She'd get so…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 07:48 AM
2

She has regularly seen psychologists, and although one of them said she wasn’t bipolar, but I’m not convinced I can speak to this. First off, Cluster-Bs are essentially incurable, and doctors don't like to tell you. They're human, and when you deliver bad news, you can expect a reaction, along with losing a client. Also, doctors can only work with what they're told, and cluster bs percieve things in different way than others. Unless you're in the room we don't know what they say. We also don't k…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 05:28 AM
4

I had a lot of similarities to this situation, although the wife wasn't able to get pregnant. Constant fights, slept in another room, wife from E. Europe, thought things would get better when x, y, z happened, became roommates, etc. DM me if you want to chat. That said, the only advice I'm qualified to offer is to encourage you to seek professionals, and I mean tomorrow, don't wait a single day. In my opinion a therapist for anyone divorcing should be mandatory, because of all the emotions that …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 03:04 AM
3

I would encourage you to find a therapist ASAP to get some clarity on this. Best thing I ever did. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/21 09:19 AM
1

If you're trying to pinch pennies like I was, let me assure you that it was fruitless. I couldn't conceive of what happened financially. It's too shocking. Don't let that hold you back. I can say in my area the court is 100% biased against the male. The judge is looking for any opportunity to award her everything you earn. I encourage you to get a therapist, ASAP to process this. The emotions are rough. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/21 03:58 AM
1

I’m assuming it’ll just be spousal support to worry about. Yeah, I hear that all the time. I thought so too. I had blinders on because I couldn't imagine how much they were able to extract. I was worried about pennies when the game was about thousands. I had to recalibrate my idea of what 'affordable' was. Protip: when it comes time to serve her, hire the process server(most likely a private investigator-see how quick this adds up? ) yourself and it'll be cheaper than having the attorney do it. …
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/21 03:55 AM
6

I'll give you the advice my attorney gave to me. Let's get her to sign this while things are still civil. The longer you put this off, the more likely someone is going to get into her ear to take you for everything you have. Put it on a credit card, get a new credit card, borrow the money, sell your car, do whatever you have to do but start this tomorrow and get this done. The longer you wait the more it'll cost. Ask me how I know. I'd encourage you to get a therapist ASAP to process this while …
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/21 03:47 AM
6

I don't have near the property you do. I can tell you my two attorney friends and two paid attorneys all told me not to hide a penny. My friend who used to do divorce law told me if the judge gets the idea you shuffled money around, they'll give the wife every red cent. That said, I hear you, brother! When people talk about who gets the TV or quibbling over 'what they can afford', I know they're not getting divorced in CA, or have no idea what's going to happen. There's no discount for being une…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/21 12:48 AM
1

Brother, thanks for reminding me how precious it is that I can go home and not have that constant tension and anxiety that my wife caused. We're not supposed to live like that. Best thing I ever did was go to several therapists and get different opinions. It wasn't till therapist #4 I learned about BPD and made the connection to my parents. Then it all fell into place. Hang in there, brother, you can do this! The distance between now and when you're free is mostly up to you!
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/21 06:43 PM
2

I would suggest checking out r/BPDlovedones and seeing if any of the stories ring true. I'm no expert, but I've read the same story 100 times there. Hell, I lived it. fd Constant fighting is part of Borderline Personality Disorder. They have a fear of abandonment so they push you away constantly to test your commitment so they can feel reassured. Feelings are facts for them. My wife would tell me she feels something so strongly about something it must be true. Very common for people who get invo…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/21 04:50 AM
1

You in CA by any chance? The amount they're able to extract is all but unbelievable. Nobody cares if I lost my job due to Covid.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 11:20 PM
12

My ex is borderline with a minor in narcissism xD Reading your story, except the part about the new relationship, sounds like me. I wished my car would break down so I wouldn't have to go home from work, not that she didn't make my life at work hell, too. Same thing, too nice, no backbone, codependent, whatevs. Living well is the best revenge. Congrats!!!
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/21 12:12 AM
4

Brother, first off, congratulations on being in Texas! I was going to list what my boss is paying for life but its too depressing to say. As far as money goes, I hear you. I had no idea what it would cost either. My suggestion is to get a therapist right away to deal with the many emotions that will come up. The sooner you can let go of how things should be and what is fair, and what you can afford, the better off you'll be throughout this process. I don't know how Texas works, but I told my wif…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/20 10:39 AM
2

I don't even look at that sub anymore. The content I see women post would never be tolerated if a man said it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/20 11:23 PM
4

My ex and her girlfriend immediately went to this to describe me. For the record I'm not, have a professional opinion and everything.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/20 11:20 PM
3

If you do this, do you think the court will understand and look at you favorably? Will your wife be considered a victim? I wouldn't want to see you win the battle but lose the war. I think when it comes to divorce I have to let go of how things should be and what's fair.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/20 04:35 PM
1

Therapy put me back together after a short marriage that was incredibly destructive. I'm still going, and better for it. I'd encourage anybody to seek it out. If nothing else, he reminds me what a terrible idea it would be to try and take her back. She'd finish ruining me if she got the chance.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/20 07:31 AM
2

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you the best thing you can do for an alcoholic is take care of yourself, becuase they're going to do what they're going to do. I encourage you to get some therapy and consider alanon and the like. Good luck to you!
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/20 07:28 AM
1

Man, been there. The day after we got married we were talking divorce, and it went downhill from there. I filed 10 months after we got married. Also, the first thing I was thinking when I read your post was mental illness. Maybe it's projection, of course, I admit. After we got married I couldn't figure out why my wife was so impossible to be around, argumentative, demanding, waking me up multiple times all night long( I had to sleep in another room), creating drama for me to have to leave work,…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/20 07:24 AM
2

consulting with an attorney, which is what you need to do ASAP (w/o telling her). heh my advice exactly. A good divorce attorney has seen it all before, knows the script, and can help you plan this out in a way that protects your interests. Lawyers are a necessary evil when kids are involved especially, in my opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 09:00 PM
1

File for divorce w/o her knowing. That's what I did to protect myself. I had her served the day I left. We had discussed it weekly, so it wasn't a surprise, but I did it without her knowing.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 08:58 PM
1

Heads up, what you're describing are all very characteristic of Cluster-B personality disordered people. My wife, who has borderline personality disorder(and my mom, it turns out), did the same sorts of things. I had to sleep in the other room and she'd still wake me up with her fits of anger or lonliness, multiple times a night. There's a good subreddit, r/BPDlovedones if you want to share your story and see if people relate, or just lurk. This is literally the story my buddy told me about his …
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 08:56 PM
2

Talk to your attorney before saying a word. In fact, it's worth considering having your attorney see all your correspondence before you send it. You have real money at stake here. I'm in CA as well, there's a lot of tricks about getting someone to abandon the household, and getting people to do things not in their best interest while trying to faux-reconcile is the oldest trick in the book. Divorce is not pleasant, I was emotional, and not looking for my best interests. My lawyers let me not do …
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 08:39 PM
1

Sorry I don't have any advice besides to get a good therapist or two, maybe interview a few before settling on one. Sounds like she's divorce raping you and pretending she's taking the high road as a bonus. Keeping it classy. Nobody cares that my income is half what it was last year. Am I supposed to live in a homeless shelter? Sucks, bro. Good luck and hang in there! Don't forget that therapist!!!
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 12:59 AM
1

but employment incomes change Made the most I ever have last year. Then Covid and I'm broke. Think the court gives a shit? I've seen so many guys forced into poverty or near homelessness, despite their income level.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 12:49 AM
1

I echo the other sentiments, if she will hold a civil discussion, I'd mediate in a heartbeat. I'd rather have given the money to her than the lawyers, but she wasn't having it, sadly. FWIW my attorney friend did the paperwork, figured out the deal with his wife, and then went to one of those docujment processors to have them look it over to make sure it's legal. Cost him $500.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 12:45 AM
1

I just told another guy about this. They will in my opinion drag out negotiations and play games like not responding to emails and things for billable hours. That said, I know my divorce was done right( I hope). Can't wait for it to be final. Yeah, my wife wasn't reasonable. I told her I could pay her or the lawyers, and ofc she chose lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 12:38 AM
1

Whats's this going to cost, and how can I minimize costs? If you hire the process server yourself, its much cheaper. I'm sure I got boned for 5 grand more than I needed to pay at least, but I got what I wanted and things appear to be pretty tight for me.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 12:33 AM
2

It's worth talking to a lawyer to see if you have any claim to the 7 years of house payments, which it seems like you did. Divorce is breathtakingly expensive. It was shocking, but I had to learn to let it all go. It's just stuff. I'd forget everything at the house, let her have it and use it as leverage at mediation. Unless you have a sheriff go with you to claim it, you could be accused of anything if you go over there. I remember talking to a lawyer friend of mine about a high 4 figure amount…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/20 12:23 AM
1

I would strongly encourage you to seek therapy asap to help you with this and get an outside opinion of things. I couldn't figure out why my wife had to argue and fill every day with tension, and a therapist talked to me about BPD and how it's incurable, etc. Thank heaven he did.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/20 07:51 AM
1

The one thing I can confidently encourage anybody considering divorce to do is get some therapy. I wound up due to work going to several different ones of different backgrounds. It was a huge help . This was just too much for me to go through alone.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/20 07:46 AM
1

IMO snooping is so obviously a tell that someone is up to something themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/20 07:44 AM
1

Don't give your ex any money that is not bound by the court's ruling for temporary orders or anything like that Oh yeah, I wanted to give her money out of guilt and trying to fix her feelings. My lawyers were all 'wait a minute...'. They stopped me from doing a lot of dumb things.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/20 07:42 AM
1

oh, right on! When I used to have a personal trainer, they would tell me the process of getting in shape could actually add weight, but it was muscle. Sounds like that's what you're doing. Good on you! I gotta stop being stubborn and get started on a real exercise program, make the best of this situation. Hang in there, please keep us posted!
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 07:35 PM
2

I agree. Forewarned is forearmed when it comes to divorce. I'd get to an attorney ASAP because you have the flexibility to structure things now that you won't have once things start to happen. Doesn't mean you have to file, just learn what you're looking at and what your options are. The options start dropping off 3 - 6 months before filing in my area.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 04:31 AM
2

I'm not wealthy but made a chunk of money last month. Let me tell you, it didn't make me a fraction as happy as when I went to the cardiologist and they told me that because of diet and exercise, I don't need the blood pressure pills anymore. When I bought a flash car, I thought it was going to be great. I impressed all the wrong people, and rubbed a lot of friends and family the wrong way. I traded it for a Camry and have never looked back. That car will never die.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 04:28 AM
1

I have a fairly similar story. I'm really glad to hear you're gettting counseling and exercising and all that stuff. I'm trying to get back to my college weight, and getting pretty close, I might add. This has been the most fucked year, we're all isolated and stressed out, and this is the most stressful time of year, my therapist reminded me. Things aren't supposed to be rosy right now. Hang in there, try to do some fun stuff, and 2021 is right around the corner! Your ex sounds like a real piece…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 04:24 AM
7

Are you me? My wife made me completely miserable, yet my brain plays tricks on me, wants back that 5% of the time she was fun to have around. I do a shitton of therapy now, put up postits on my mirror that say stuff like she gave me the worst 18 months of my life, love can't cure personality disorder, etc etc. It's not perfect, but most days I can stay out of the fantasy of who she was and remember the bad times, which was every day. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 04:18 AM
2

I'm no tough guy, brother. I had to get a therapist or 3 and talk to them frequently, got some support from friends of friends who'd divorced a person with a personalitiy disorder, put a support team together. I was completely destroyed by my ex, every day smashed to pieces more and more, and still didn't want to divorce. I swear it feels like half the hard things I had to do I did with a therapist helping me. They were able to patch me back together enough to do this. I did it, you can too!
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/20 06:11 AM
3

haha sorry to hear that, bro! I didn't have a clue what was going on until I found a good therapist. Then I noticed how much my wife reminded me of my mom....had no idea I'd grown up with BPD!
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/20 07:54 AM
9

I'm with you about training. I'm also getting back to my college weight, which has made my whole life better. Having a good thearpist would be a close #2 in my book.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/20 12:57 AM
1

Man, you don't know how great it's going to be. It's totally normal to be afraid of the unknown. That's just it though, it's a fear, not a fact. Truth is you're young and can get out of this divorce relatively unscathed(consult a lawyer no matter what). There's someone out there that is fun to be around and wants to be with you and cares about you. You're going to find her. I highly recommend getting a therapist to get through this. There's so much going on...so many feelings going on....I can s…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/20 04:14 AM
1

Yeah, I felt horrible about serving her. I gave her the option of signing voluntarily or having the guy come in and do it, and that's what she chose. Still was just an ugly thing, despite the process server being really cool. Glad to remember this.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/20 02:34 AM
2

Honestly only your attorney can answer that and I can tell you I think it's up to the interpretation of the court if something is questioned. I recall being told I can pay my regular bills, but don't do anything that's going to raise eyebrows like put 5 grand down on a new boat, buy a gold bar, something like that. My personal interpretation was not to do anything with money I wouldn't want to explain in open court to a hostile judge, so I didn't move a dime, other than regular bills. Lawyer aft…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 01:19 AM
1

> Will it have any affect on my case either way? I can tell you haven't consulted an attorney. The sooner you do that, the better your options will be. They'll be able to tell you what's in your best interests.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/20 01:20 AM
5

Oh, man. I know that feeling. You're in for a ride. Get a lawyer ASAP. There are ways to protect your interests that they'll know and hip you to what you need to do next. I know my head was swimming and I couldn't look out for myself like the lawyer could. Also, get a therapist tomorrow. You're gonna have a lot of feelings and a lot to talk about, and a therapist is the right outlet for that. It's very easy to tell your lawyer stuff they don't need to hear, at $300+ an hour, or friends and famil…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/20 05:01 AM
1

Brother, I hear you. I know for me, it was a major help to have a therapist I could trust, and to talk to them often, so I don't try and speak to inappropriate people about it. I still don't want to do this, I have to save myself from the crazy though.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/20 12:08 AM
2

Hey man, maybe it's time to get a different therapist. Best thing I did last year was by happenstance go to a bunch of different ones. Don't beat yourself up if you take her back despite knowing it's a bad idea. Better men than us have gone down that road. I had to make postit notes I put on my bathroom mirror to remember the bad times that await me if I were with her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/20 10:25 PM
2

I know it's not easy. You're getting out of this with your whole life ahead of you. I think it's a great idea to get a therapist to handle all the emotions that are going to happen during this time. I've been a mess, and they patched me back together enough to get through it. Also, I'm going to be a better man after the work I'm doing, and not make the same decisions that got me here in the first place. A happy life awaits you. The length of time between now and then is entirely up to you. Remem…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/20 08:59 PM
4

but she had already thought about it for a long time so you think she’s unaffected She's been considering this since at least her first affair
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/20 08:56 PM
1

Similar situation, no kids. Wife hated I had to go to work and not take care of her every need, would constantly text/call to create drama and get attention. She didn't work, and we still had to go out to eat 5+ nights per week, maybe twice a day on weekends, FML. The divorce stuff, I don't want to be discouraging so I'll say to consult a lawyer in your area. The situation in my state may be radically different from yours. You also have more options available to you when the divorce is a ways ou…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 09:37 PM
4

I could have made a suit out of the red flags I ignored prior to marriage, so no judgment here.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 09:22 PM
3

Sounds like my wife. Did you see or ignore any red flags prior to marriage?
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 09:19 PM
1

it was still less day to day stress than home. I was working 2 fulltime, extremely stressful jobs, and still preferred being at work to going home. Hey, at least the worst probably won't happen at work. Going home, I knew things were going to be bad, just didn't know where the bottom would be that night.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 08:29 AM
1

I skimmed this. I'd go see a therapist or 3 until I found one I liked and wanted to work with several times a week to unpack all this stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 08:25 AM
2

including causing a psychiatric hospitalization for me Holy shit, sorry to hear that, brother! My therapist told me if I continued to stay with my wife (personality disordered), that bad health and going to the psych hospital were very real possibilities for me. I'd never imagined that was possible, but he was right. Hats off to you for your current situation. My buddy had a daughter with a person with a personality disorder, realized it and re-married to a person he's very happy with. Helped th…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 08:23 AM
2

Leaving the congregation your wife is a part of is huge, and would be a strain on any marriage(not saying you're wrong to do it, that's your business). I think getting a therapist for yourself is a really good idea. I tried out 5 different ones this year, and I'm very glad I did. You are going to have a relationship with your wife at least another 15+ years, anything you can do to improve it will be useful to you. I, myself, hated weekends and going home from work at night to that warzone. I see…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 08:17 AM
9

Attorneys get paid to negotiate. So they start at the moon and go back and forth and create hell and anger when it didn’t have to be that way. My divorce attorney friend told me exactly this. They'll send each other letters and whatnot that get ignored or counteroffered until someone runs out of money. They know how to milk a vulnerable client of every penny they have. That said, in my case, my wife is 100% governed by emotions, there's no way to possibly reason with someone who is unreasonable.…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/20 04:14 AM
1

Fantastic news. Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/20 08:56 PM
3

That's a lot to look at. I'd suggest to anybody that I think it's a good idea to talk to a therapist for an objective opinion before going forward with something as serious as a divorce. I may be reading into it, am I hearing some contempt? My therapist said that was a sign of the end of a marriage when I told him that's how I was starting to view my wife.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 04:48 AM
1

Well, that sucks. Sounds like it was no fault of your own, she's got her own issues. Small consolation I know.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/20 03:04 AM
2

Sorry to hear that, brother. What happened?
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/20 04:53 PM
2

I wish I had an easy answer. I'd encourage abstaining from drugs and alcohol, because that only drags out the process. I've been going to a ton of therapy, and I will emerge from this a better man. I undereatimated how difficult the emotional hangover would be after divorce, even in a clearly bad marriage. I can tell you being no contact, making plans for the future so I have some hope, reconnecting with the religion of my youth, meeting up with friends, and cleaning out everything associated wi…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 09:21 PM
1

Its a subject I dont see brought up much here. In my experience, this is hugely beneficial.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 09:16 PM
2

Goodluck, brother! Let us know how it goes! Im pulling for you, and congrats on meeting someone new!
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 10:38 AM
2

He wrote it very cleverly. In other words, he is saying for you to write the story of your divorce as if you are the hero. Just for example, instead of saying you got divorced and exwife accused you so you cant see your daughter, you tried everything you could to get custody to save her from an unfit mother, but she knew how to work the system so she made up lies to stop you from protecting your daughter. My writing is bad but you get the idea.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 09:56 AM
1

Man, at the end of the day, we're not lawyers. The financial consequences can be so much greater than you can probably imagine. For instance, alimony was $5000/month, when I was out of work due to Covid. What Im getting at is that it may seem expensive to pay a lawyer 3-600/hr(in the US) to give you advice on protecting your interests, but it's short money compared to the breathtaking financial consequences of marriage. Wish Id taken my own advice. Also prenups here can he thrown out, especially…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 09:46 AM
2

Its a story where you try to make people feel bad for you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 09:35 AM
1

This sounds like a very important conversation to you. Personally, if I can't figure out how to best approach something, I'll schedule time with my therapist or executive coach. I tend to get anxious, which isn't a great way to make good decisions. Sorry to hear about the ex wife. One of the most fucked up people I have ever met was a psychiatrist. Brilliant woman, just completely a wreck though.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 09:31 AM
1

Divorce is not the time to DIY. I thought I could do that because my wife would be reasonable. Hah! Emotions were so high, I was a wreck(still kinda am), I needed someone to look out for my own best interests. I hate paying the lawyer, I do feel like my legal jeopardy is covered, though.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 08:54 AM
1

I wouldn't explain all of that until much farther in the relationship. I'd keep it short and sweet, and stay positive about the ex. A complicated or ugly divorce is a big turnoff and red flag.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 08:50 AM
2

This is extraordinarily good advice.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 08:46 AM
3

Solid advice ITT. In my opinion, she made some mistakes that will work in your favor. Divorce is complicated, and by running off without a lawyer, she gave you something to work with. I'd take some vacation time if you can and use it to lawyer up and maybe go to therapy as many days as your walllet/insurance will allow. My divorce was the hardest thing I ever did, and I had to call out every resource I could muster to get through it, and mitigate the negative feelings. The emotional stuff was so…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/20 03:11 AM
8

- get a therapist - they're cheaper by the hour than the lawyer and you're going to want to talk to someone about this This is what I tell people LOL My lawyer friend said when she'd get a new divorce client she'd tell them precisely this.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/20 03:05 AM
4

>So here it goes, I am in love with a woman, who is seemingly in love with a man that is in the process of a divorce. I've done stuff like this. It's not a very effective way to find a fulfilling relationship. I'd consider talking to a therapist and asking why you got into this situation. Based on my own experience, I repeated this same behavior multiple times.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/20 10:14 AM
8

Yes, it does get better. The booze...you already know. I encourage anybody going through such a large life change to consider therapy. Helped me a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/20 10:07 AM
1

Good on you for the coaching! I just started with a new one today. Hate paying for it, I sure do need the help though. I have a therapist through my insurance, I don't think he's as good as the high buck ones though. What can you do. Man, I went to 5 therapists and a priest for counseling to see if things could be saved. Even after all of them giving me the same answer I couldn't believe it. All good things in all good time. My wife knows exactly what mask to wear to reel me in. She can't keep i…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 09:58 PM
1

Sorry to hear that, man. I don't know if you drink or anything, but AA or other 12 step meetings and the like are a good spot to meet the local expats, and they are often motivated to help out someone in need. You said you have insurance, have you talked to a therapist? In my personal opinion, I think it's a great idea to talk to one during a divorce or separation, at least it was for me. I was so emotional I couldn't think straight. I know it's a lot, these hurdles you described can all be over…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 07:05 PM
2

A lot of what you described fits my Borderline wife as well. I swear, the instant she got that ring, she dropped the mask and I saw the hell waiting behind it. As I was reading OPs post I was thinking "he must not have married a cluster B". Since all this began I learned more about myself, my family, my behavior, a million things I never expected. I'll come out of this a better man. Well, maybe the 6 million dollar man. She broke me into pieces, and they're rebuilding me like the bionic man, and…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 11:48 AM
1

If you're bucks down, I'd start hitting up other expats, I guarantee there are some divorcees among them, maybe get some tips. I had a buddy give me some advice while I was going through divorce that was a godsend, shit a lawyer won't tell you(like how to save money, strategize how to serve papers, etc). Although I suspect I know the answer, is there any chance the British Embassy can do anything for you by way of advice? The issues you have, immigration, taxes, insurance, divorce, in my experie…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 11:37 AM
1

Just looked at your handle, I went to school at UT a lifetime ago. I dated my share of Cluster B disordered substance abusers, some in Austin LOL. Always tried to save them, never succeeded in anything except being used up. My wife and I don't have kids, so I don't have to talk to her. Honestly bro I'm not that strong right now, she'd spin my head around and suck me back in. I gotta save myself from her. Hats off to you for staying grey rock and not reacting. I was not very good at it. She'd pre…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/20 07:25 AM
2

I talked to my therapist about what to say at work. He said tell them you got divorced, and if pressed further, say we grew apart. Then if they're a normal person it'll be a little awkward, and the conversation will shift or they'll leave. Only a busybody will pry further, and I can't indulge them. Also, I want to talk about this divorce and how it affects me, so unchecked it'll drift into inapprorpriate directions-coworkers, oversharing with friends. I talk to a therapist weekly or more often i…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/20 04:49 AM
1

Man, I hear you. I turned into someone I didn't recognize and didn't like. My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder(I didn't know) so she'd gaslight me, always keep me off balance and confused. My therapist told me they can drive people into a psych ward, which is a scary thought. That's fantastic you're doing great with the kids! Talk about a great payoff for hard work. I have a communications coach I've been working with, really upped my game. Thanks for the recommendation on the book, I go…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/20 04:44 AM
1

I didn't have to go to court, so I don't know if it would affect anything. It certainly factored into my reasons for getting divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/20 12:48 AM
1

I started going to therapy prior to the divorce, to see if I was the problem and if this relationship could be saved. Best thing I did in years. I will come out of this a better man. It's peaks and valleys, for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/20 12:45 AM
1

haha my friend who does divorce law gave me the heads up. She said she tells her clients during the consult that they should get a therapist, because they're going to want to talk about the wife, and she's happy to listen and sympathize, but she charges a lot more than a therapist and isn't qualified. I thought that was decent of her. Despite knowing that, I want to do the same thing and tell my lawyer my wife did x, y, z lol
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/20 02:28 AM
1

Brutal, man. The only advice I'm qualified to give is to suggest people talk to an attorney and a good therapist, and it sounds like you have those covered. If nothing else, the therapist saves me from spending precious billable minutes on the phone with my attorney complaining about my wife. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/20 02:16 AM
2

I do the same. That's awesome. My friend who is a divorce attorney said one of the first things she tells clients is to get a therapist, because they're going to want to talk about this to someone, and she'll listen and sympathize, but she's billing $600/hr LOL Therapy has been such a help for me, I'm always glad to hear other people taking advantage of it. Divorce is such a difficult process, I think anything to make it easier is worth pursuing.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 05:22 AM
2

Pay no lump sum unless she SIGNIFICANTLY discounts it. Precisely what my lawyer told me. The computer program said I could be liable for x amount of money. My lawyer said if it goes there, we'll offer 1/3x or 1/4x as a lump sum buyout of alimony/assets and work from there.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 05:16 AM
1

I needed some professional guidance to deal with the emotions and get an objective, educated opinion on our situation. In-network therapists were very reasonable, and now they've even waived my co-pay for teletherapy during this Covid. I go a few times a week because it's convenient and I needed the support. I've gone to sliding-scale places when I was out of work and they were accomodating, it's some legwork though. Only wish I'd gone more. Good luck!!!
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 05:02 AM
2

A female attorney friend of mine recommended someone she'd worked with, another female attorney. Her reasoning was that she was shrewd and could negotiate with women with a less threatening demeanor because of her gender(wolf in sheeps clothing). My wife has a deep seated fear of men, so this sounded good. I have to say, she ruthlessly pursued my interests, made some breathtakingly lowball settlement offers, and was able to convince my wife to sign some papers that I know very well she wouldn't …
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:49 AM
1

came back here to add that this attorney was referred to me by female friends Holy shit. I hired a female attorney based on the advice of...a female attorney friend. I was so fcuked emotionallly at the time I couldn't think straight.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:37 AM
4

Man, the system is so heavily weighted against men it's not even funny. I can tell you that I talk to a therapist, and it's the best thing I've done in a long time. It keeps me from ranting to inappropriate people about my wife, if nothing else.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:31 AM
2

Oh yeah, man, I went to a bunch of different therapists trying to get one to tell me that our marriage could be saved. Turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done for myself, however the marriage was unsalvageable. Personally, I really needed the help. I found that the reason I didn't want to divorce my wife even though I was miserable was related to childhood stuff, and now we're working on that, so I think I'll make better choices in the future. In my experience, all good things in …
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:29 AM
2

Hey man, very long term sober guy here. 3 or 4 times to rehab, and now she's drinking to seizure at such a young age? How is she going to be a mother to your kids? What would you tell a good friend in this situation? Brother, run for that door, and don't look back. I mean get a consultation with a divorce lawyer tomorrow, don't put it off a single day. Nobody can save an alcoholic, and they'll destroy you if you try. I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist about this, maybe ask them why you mar…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:15 AM
3

Brother, you are not alone in these fears. My wife destroyed me, I started going to therapy a lot since I could due to Covid, and I'm coming out of this thing better than before. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train :D You'll get through this just like you always have. I always encourage people to find a therapist they like and work with them. If nothing else it's cheaper than telling your lawyer your woes on the phone lol
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:00 AM
1

but fcuk it, i'd rather face this than be with my ex. It sounds horrible, but I'm with you on that. At least the nurses in the hospital were pretty nice to me and none of them made my life a living hell like my wife.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 03:58 AM
1

Hey man,best thing I did was go to a bunch of different therapists and get their opinions on my situation. They all basically told me to get divorced, unfortunately. If she gave you a divorce ultimatum, brother, I'm not sure there's a way to come back from that. My wife is Borderline, I had no idea until I got to therapy (it's a cluster b disorder, in the same neighborhood as bipolar and narcissist, they overlap). I mention that because with my wife there was zero ability for any compromise on h…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 03:56 AM
3

Cali here. My 2 divorce attorneys, and my 2 attorney friends who are knowledgeable about the subject, all told me the same thing: don't hide anything. At least here, they tell me the opposing council can get access to everything, and if the judge gets a whiff that you're trying to hide a dime, then he'll give the wife whatever she's asking for. There are strategies to mitigate asset division, alimony, etc. Any significant amounts of money moved around I think 3-6 months prior to divorce is consi…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 03:38 AM
1

I would suggest talking to a therapist or at minimum clergy from your religious background. I went to 3 Catholic therapists, a retired priest, and 2 secular therapists. All told me to get divorced but the secular ones, who said it was nearly hopeless but they'd take my money as long as I wanted to try. Brother, one slip, that can be overcome with a lot of work. 3 times, there's a pattern of deception, I'm sorry to say. You can't build a house on a foundation made of sand. Unfortunately, I know t…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 01:09 AM
8

Congratulations, brother!
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/20 06:35 AM
3

She might claim you hit her and that’s pretty much all it takes to send your world into a death spin. I hear you, man. I was scared of my wife, because I knew she was perfectly capable of calling the cops and telling them anything in order to get what she wanted. Life is hard enough without having a domestic violence on your record, worse yet when you're innocent.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/20 04:25 AM
1

I can relate. I went to 5 therapists and a priest, and they all told me to get divorced, basically. The best thing I did was to get different opinions, though. All were accurate, just saw things from a different perspective, and were valuable. Therapist #4 talked to me about Borderline Personality Disorder, and blew me away because nobody else had mentioned it, and the shoe fit perfectly. Gaslighting, never taking responsibility, blaming, arguing, belittling, substance abuse, all that are very c…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/20 04:23 AM
5

> Normal couples don't ask for a fucking divorce every 3 days to a week do they???? My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder, it's a cluster -B disorder and in the same area as bi-polar and narcissim I think. We discussed divorce weekly. One characteristic is 'love bombing' where she was the person I married, sweet and in love with me. Her normal times, she would fight about absolutely everything and emotionally manipulate me non stop. She'd also wake me up in the middle of the night to discu…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/20 03:44 AM
2

Do you have any lawyer friends? Do you know anybody who has been divorced you can talk to? Have you gotten an attorney? The lawyer friends and those who've been through it might have tips for you that your paid attorney won't give you. Mine all basically gave me the same advice, which was not to hide the money, because if the judge gets a whiff of it, they'll award her the max.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 11:43 PM
3

Because we had talked about divorce so often, I thought my wife would be reasonable when we actually did it. Hah!
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 11:37 PM
3

I spoke to an expert in this area(trying to be discreet and not out myself shouldmy ex look at reddit) and he told me to let it come up naturally if someone should ask about her. He said expect a few seconds of awkwardness from the average person, they'll probably say something like 'sorry to hear that' and leave LOL. In my situation, I told the office gossip that things weren't going well in a moment of desperation, and realized when my boss started telling me about his marital problems that he…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 07:50 PM
13

Renting a room from him , she must think everybody is stupid . x2 Also, OP, remember that hiring a PI is an option.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 07:18 PM
1

My #1 suggestion for anybody is to get a therapist and start talking. At least for me, this was incredibly difficult and I needed a professional to talk to that *wasn't* friends and family. F&F just aren't the right outlet for all the stuff I was going through, and I don't want to alienate them or wear them out with this. The other stuff you mentioned is great, that's a lot of change at once to try and sustain during one of the most stressful things you're likely to ever do. There's always AA if…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 07:14 PM
1

Sure, my advice is don't make it weird. If something about my wife comes up in conversation, all I gotta say is we're getting divorced. If I feel the need to say anything more, 'it was amicable. We grew apart' is all anybody needs to know. I'm keeping it positive, without giving something to gossip about. I think word will travel in .1 second throughout the office. I control the flow of information, so as long as that's all they have to work with, interest in it will die down pretty quick.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 07:06 PM
1

> I been in a marriage for almost 20 years now. I'd talk to an attorney and see if that 20 year date is significant in your state concerning alimony for life or not, something like that. I think I bought a nolo-press book about divorce in my state, honestly though I was too emotionally involved to do a great job of absorbing it. I think theres a computer program the attorney uses to determine liability.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 12:30 PM
1

I started seeing a therapist for the first time in years during my divorce. Best decision I've made in a long time.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/20 10:07 AM
1

Great list. Therapy patched me together to get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/20 10:01 AM
1

> We’ve fought like cats and dogs about everyday of the marriage, Sounds like my marriage. Went to see a therapist, and found out the wife is Bordering Personality Disorder, they're impossible to make happy. 2 things I learned may apply to you. One, is that the happiest people are a happy married couple, put them at the top of the chart. Followed by happy cohabitating, happy single, then divorced single, and wayyyyyy down at the bottom, the least happy people are the ones in a bad marriage. Spea…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/20 07:25 PM
6

Talked to my therapist about what to say. He said take the high road, don't tell anybody shit, say we grew apart and thanks for asking. Frankly it also makes you look better to any new love interest rather than something messy, evem if it was. I told precisely one friend that has connections to my job and other friends and regret the shit out of it because I know he'll blab, plus he got weird and kinda took her side on some stuff that was none of his business. I shoulda kept it to very inner cir…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/20 10:52 AM
6

I'd talk to a professional about strategizing before this very important conversation. If that's not available, I'd probably call a friend before and after, just to keep your head on straight. As far as the conversation goes, I'd just encourage you to end the call if things get heated. I know I've said stuff when worked up that I didn't mean.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/20 12:20 AM
2

> I know she has a pattern of poor communication, infidelity, and decision making but it’s hard to acknowledge the emotional string that something like that pulls on when you spent so much time with this person. If you don't have a therapist, I encourage you to get one ASAP to help you answer the question of why you'd want the above back in your life. I know when I did that, I found out some very important things. Good luck bro!
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/20 04:22 AM
1

Congratulations on getting out!
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/20 06:34 AM
1

My ex is borderline, I found out. Therapy turned over a lot of rocks I wasnt expecting to. You ever go to r/bpdlovedones? I guess that's not bipolar. Seems like the cluster bs overlap some though. It was a big help for me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/20 06:03 AM
5

Because I'm furloughed due to Covid I'm going to therapy so much my insurance is screaming. Fuck them, I need the help.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/20 11:48 PM
1

Good luck, brother!
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/20 11:38 AM
3

In my case, I couldn't figure out why my new wife was behaving how she was, argumentative, intractable, impossible to please. Lomg story short, therapist #4 told me she had characteristics of BPD in the first session with him. Couldv'e knocked me over with a feather, Id dated a few women with that but didnt know anything about it really. After a lot more therapy and study Ive got a pretty good grasp of everything, and don't wonder if I could have done more, or if she really loved me, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/20 12:39 AM
3

She called in April...I answered Don't blame yourself, man. It's a process. I filed in December, tried to finish it and then had to contact her for paperwork, and spent 3 months on the phone. Thank heaven we were in different cities or we would have met up. She's Borderline, and they love bomb you and make you feel amazing, until they change and destroy you. Stay strong, brother!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/20 03:40 AM
6

It wasn't until I went no contact with my wife that I was able to really get my head on straight. Therapy has also been a huge help. Congrats on the welding! Man, I used to love to do that. I was the king of booger welds, but it's still fun. Wish I'd worn a respirator, and gotten a auto darkening helmet sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/20 09:39 PM
2

Oh yeah, I went to the emergency center a few times to get checkd out because I thought I might be having a heart attack. Went to a real doctor and got the treadmill test done and everything, brought me some peace of mind. I started going to therapy, a couple times a week because my schedule and insurance allows for it. It's helped immensely.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/20 05:12 PM
2

I have female attorneys. I went with her because she was recommended more than anything. My divorce has been uncontested, and still cost a fortune. I found out through therapy that my wife has undiagnosed BPD, I think you mentioned something about that. I had expected my wife to go along with things because we'd discussed divorce, however that was not the case. I don't know if this is relevant or not (Cali here) I talked to 2 paid attorneys and 2 that were friends, all told me not to do any funn…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/20 03:50 AM
2

I had a short marriage, 1 year, and knew from the first day something was terribly wrong. Turns out my wife has BPD, and it shifted into high gear after she got that ring. Really, it was when I started to hold her in contempt when we fought, that I knew I had to file. I was absolutely miserable.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/20 03:35 AM
1

I asked for a divorce. I was hoping it would be the ultimatum that would spur her Me too. Didn't happen like I'd hoped. Your wife BPD by any chance? That's what I found out in therapy, and then everything fell into place in my head. I had health scares as well.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/20 03:31 AM
1

I hear you, man. CA here. I was worried about a lot of stuff like the cars and whatnot. I couldn't see the big picture. Thank heaven you don't have many assets, and it was a short marriage. It's possible you'll have to make payments, but even if you do, it's only one freaking year! That's a win, brother! The lawyer I hired protected my interests to the fullest. Frankly I was too messed up emotionally about the whole thing to be objective.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/20 11:44 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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