Cross posting here for perspective.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2020-12-31T10:39:14+00:00

Brother, first off, congratulations on being in Texas! I was going to list what my boss is paying for life but its too depressing to say.

As far as money goes, I hear you. I had no idea what it would cost either. My suggestion is to get a therapist right away to deal with the many emotions that will come up. The sooner you can let go of how things should be and what is fair, and what you can afford, the better off you'll be throughout this process. I don't know how Texas works, but I told my wife what my buddy from Texas told his wife when he got divorced. I can give the money to you or to the lawyers, but I can't do both. You choose. Funny, in both instances they chose to give it to lawyers.

My personal opinion is that if you can hold a civil conversation, to try and work out finances between yourselves. My experience is certain lawyers will stretch out billable hours in negotiations that don't go anywhere. Definitely I'd suggest getting a lawyer ASAP to preserve your interests concerning the house and whatnot. Here in CA there's all sorts of tricks concerning spouses abandoning property, etc etc. I was so upset in the process that the lawyer was able to advocate for me in ways I simply couldn't.

Hang in there! There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I told my therapist that I was miserable and we fought all day every day, he said that the percentage of misery in a healthy marriage is zero. It was basically 95% of our relationship. Turns out my wife is Borderline Personality Disorder, and that's how they behave.

As someone who grew up in a household with never ending fighting, I can tell you it scarred myself and my very successful siblings in different ways. Come think of it, two of us married into identical situations because we grew up like that and didn't see the warning signs.

Please don't forget to get that therapist asap, and please post often! Good luck!

JohnnyMnemo · 2020-12-31T03:30:34+00:00

No alimony--good.

You should get a lawyer, and yes you will have to pay for hers too. At least in my state of Oregon.

Also in Oregon, we have state calculated Child Support. Assuming Texas is the same way, it'll just be a number based on income. Obv you won't have to pay for the 20 year old, and the obligation to the 17 year old won't be for long. Naturally you're looking at 12 years of CS for the 6 year old. Again, in Oregon, I have to pay for CS until they're 21, but after they turn 18 the payment goes to them and not to the mother. Since I was expecting to pay for their college anyway, I'm almost sure that I will give them the CS instead.

I don't know how home-schooling would work, it sounds like that would remain your preference even post-D. If that's true, and I'm assuming the mother would need to stay home to perform that schooling, I think you might have to pay her for whatever she could have made at minimum wage instead. I assume the courts would simply assume that the kids would go to public school and the mother would work for min wage as a factor in the CS, so if you both come to an agreement that neither of you want to do that, you're going to have to pay for that privilege.

You need a lawyer to figure this out. You might be able to get her removed from the home with a history of violence, however. You probably shouldn't have bonded her out, lol.

I honestly don't know if you can get a restraining order and have her barred from the house with a history of DV against you. That would make your living situation more tenable, but I have a hard time believing that a RO would translate into someone being homeless.

You need a lawyer to help figure this out, if she is not going to negotiate in good faith.

She regularly tells me I need to leave the house if I'm not happy. she thinks she'll just stay at the house with everyone but me while she has no income.

Stop taking guidance from your legal opponent. If you can come to terms favorable to the both of you on your own, you can save the legal fees, great. If not, she will find that the court will tell her what to do regardless of what she thinks she deserves.

If she is prone to DV already, that situation is not going to get better during the course of a rancorous divorce. I'd see if you can get her removed from the house, and then her living situation becomes her problem. Obviously she has a very common entitlement attitude to think that the cops would have taken you away after she hit YOU.

A judge might be able to remove all of her parenting rights and ability to cohabit after the DV charge, which means that you have a lot of leverage. How exactly it will look financially is difficult, you need a lawyer to tell you what your options are. Many will give a a free hour of consultation.

Finally, you really need to determine if the kids are better of being home-schooled and live in this kind of dynamic, or go to public school so you have the schedule to remove her from your life.

13thoclock · 2020-12-31T17:12:58+00:00

Sorry you are going through all of this. I am in Texas and went through a divorce as well about three years ago. You are right, there isn't alimony in Texas but.. there is spousal maintenance tho. But she will have to prove that she cannot be employed, no education or if she was a homemaker all throughout the marriage. It's an up hill battle for her to prove that tho. But seeing that there's a police report for assault will help on this if maintenance comes into light.

Get as much documentations as you can get your hands on, i.e. police reports. Your attorney will thank you. On that same subject you don't have to pay for her attorney. She would need to include that in the response to your divorce petition suit. I get it, you bonded her out. It won't be counted against you in court. By the way the assault charge will come into play in your favor when it comes to splitting up the property, like 60/40 etc rather than 50/50.

I'm not an attorney but I strongly suggest you talk to a few to get a better idea what your rights are. You might find some that offers free initial consultation and make a list of questions you want to ask prior to your appointment.

For your safety and your kids, in the event she tries to hurt you or she comes violent you could request a temporary restraining order on her and if granted one she would be kicked out of the house, no questions ask. You already have proof she assaulted you. You can do this without the help of a attorney. Again, your attorney will be thanking you if you do this too. Of course this is temporary until there is a hearing at court to whether to make this permanent or just drop entirely.

I've gone through this in a worse situation than yours. But please do get proper legal advice.

Good luck friend.

Title	Cross posting here for perspective.
Author	altern8_me
Upvotes	10
Comments	3
Date	December 31, 2020 2:00 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/kngbyr/cross_posting_here_for_perspective/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/cross-posting-here-for-perspective.817602 https://theredarchive.com/post/817602

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