Crosspost "Caught my wife [29F] cheating on me [29M] again after a year. Why do I question my own sanity?" from /r/survivinginfidelity:

Hello everyone, this is my first post here and I just wanted to share, gather some opinions, and vent since I have no other channel available to me right now that gives me this opportunity so, I REALLY appreciate to every single one of you who decides to read and share their honest thoughts from an outside perspective.

BACKGROUND: I'm [29M], Wife [29F] and we have two beautiful girls under 4 years old. Bare in mind my wife suffers from depression. At one point, was hospitalized and was diagnosed as being suicidal. She takes medication or at least should be taking medication as instructed.

STORY: I caught my wife having an affair back in December 2020. I didn't find out until a month later (January 2022) when my two year old daughter gave me my wife's cell phone since it was out in the open in the living room. The lights popped up due to an incoming text message. The moment I got the phone, I noticed the text message said "I love you". I recognized the name (it was a close friend of hers), and my heart dropped. Not from that message alone, but the messages that were exchanged before. I was filled with anger, shock, disappointment, and darkness. I couldn't believe I was experiencing what I consider, a nightmare.

When I confronted my wife with her phone, I asked her "What is this? What is going on?". I kid you not, the first thing that comes out of her mouth is "Why are you even looking at my phone?". From there, I was even more angry than before. Could not believe what came out of her mouth. She didn't feel sorry until further down our conversation. However, now that I think about it. Her sorry wasn't sincere the fact that I had to dig it out out of her. Even then, it's not how I would act at all if I was in her position. Anyhow, she tells me her side of the story and confirmed she had sexual intercourse with this guy on multiple occasions. She emphasized that she was super depressed, wasn't happy at the house and that I "wasn't giving what she needed nor was I truly listening to her for a while." In general, she tried to play the victim and blame me for her actions. Of course, I did not know how to react knowing what I know now so I took the blame like a fool. I literally blamed myself for her cheating. Devastation and heart breaking doesn't come close to how I felt and how I feel now just thinking about it. I DO NOT wish this type of behavior on anyone.

Fast forward one month later, I decided that I wanted to continue our relationship and try to reconcile, but the only way for it to work was for her to break the affair and block this guy from all forms of social media outlets, messaging apps, etc. Literally erase this home wrecker from our family. She did that and I was there when she made the phone call and blocking him on all social media outlets.

A year passes, and while we had some rocky moments, I felt like things were getting better. We continued to see a couples therapist once a week, and that lasted for 6-7 months. We ended the sessions thinking we no longer needed them and continued to practice what we gathered from the sessions.

It's now February 2022, on a Saturday morning. I wake up at 5:30am to feed our cat. I go back to our bedroom and noticed her phone was out next to her. I simply wanted to close the phone and get back to sleep, but noticed it was the AP's username. I could not believe what I saw. I paused for a moment thinking this was all, but a nightmare. I didn't scroll through the messages because that was more than enough for me. Everything that I thought "ended" a year ago all came back flashing before my eyes. This time, I was calm, collective, and didn't should or scream in anger like I did the first time. I woke her up and asked "who is this? what's going on?". She didn't say a word for 5-10mins. It was complete silence. She then proceeds to explain that once again "she wasn't happy, felt depressed, and didn't really stop having feelings for this guy. However, he only reached out to check up on me to make sure I was alive." At that point, I just couldn't trust what she said at all. The second chance, the little trust I still had for her, spat right back into my face. From there, she didn't apologize right off the bat. She tried to play the victim "justifying" why she did what she did and that it was my "fault" for thinking we didn't need to continue couples therapy after the 6-7 months. I took a walk outside for 30 mins, came back and said "I want a divorce. I can't continue punishing myself even though I still love you." Ever since then, I've continued to question myself. My self esteem has never been this damaged before in my entire life. I believe marriage is sacred because I was raised with that mindset.

So now, we are in the process of getting a lawyer to prepare for the divorce process. I'm still trying to process everything, speaking with my friends for support, and so on.

Once we are divorced, I plan to tell her family why we divorced rather than her trying to hide the truth, but what do you guys think? Should I? I feel like I should to ensure they don't believe any lies that may came out her mouth to suit her own agenda.

Lastly, 1) Why do cheaters like to play victim the moment they are caught? 2) Why do cheaters blame the betrayed spouse? 3) Why do I question my own sanity when I'm not the one who cheated?

Again, thank you so much for everyone that took the time to read and share their thoughts. I hope everyone that has moved on is at a better mental state and is with someone who truly cares and respects you no matter how things unfold.

Posted by branberrycakes | 13 February 2022 | Link