Checking my boundaries or shit-testing

Exis007 · 2020-01-24T17:53:57+00:00

To have someone test your boundaries, you have to first know what your boundaries are. You might not think of these often, but it is good to mull over what you do and do not want from relationships. These can be really simple. You might decide that a boundary with family is that you don't really want to hear their opinions on your love life. You might decide a boundary is that you don't want to hear about a co-worker's problems every morning for twenty minutes. It's stating a limitation in a relationship, an experience you don't want to endure with other people, and then enforcing that expectation.

Sometimes you might enforce a boundary explicitly. If Aunt Gertrude has to ask you when you're going to get a girlfriend every time you see her, it might be worth it to say, "Look, Gertrude, I don't want to discuss my personal life. I love you and I love seeing you guys, but I am not going to talk about this". That's something you can say to someone and, if they respect you, they should honor that. It might not be 100% at first, sometimes people might check to see how serious you are and you have to remind them, but they should work towards respecting that boundary. On the other hand, some people are boundary smashers. They hear "I don't want to talk about it" and they try to negate that and bring it up just to get at you. In which case, you can enforce that by leaving. You can choose not to go to parties where your aunt might be. You can choose to leave the room if she brings it up. You can choose to go home when she starts talking about how her neighbor's daughter is single and bounce. You don't NEED other people's compliance to decide, "This is my boundary and if they choose to violate it, I choose not to be here".

In a situation where leaving isn't an option, where social graces need to be protected more (like work), you might have to implicitly reinforce your boundaries when someone tests them. If your co-worker Keith shows up every morning to complain about traffic, his kids, his lawn, and politics every morning and you don't want to hear that, you might not be able to say that outright. Maybe Keith doesn't take criticism well, maybe he's kind of a jerk, but you still have to work with him. You can use a pavlovian technique with people like Keith. Every time he starts to complain, you just silently leave for your office. You avoid being alone with him or talking to him casually. You refuse to engage in how terrible his commute was when he brings it up and you pivot the conversation back to work. You make it so that, without saying anything, Keith never gets to fully vent to you and eventually you hope Keith picks up on this and picks a more receptive co-worker to talk to. This is more mental game. Sometimes you can't control how other people treat you, but you can control whether you feel obligated to accept it. Since you can't change how Keith acts and you can't necessarily change that situation completely, you can decide for yourself to not feel helpless and put up social cues that make you less desirable as a confidante.

Everyone tests everyone's boundaries. Most people respect the limits when they are shown them, either explicitly or implicitly. People who don't respect boundaries, people who try to stomp all over them, are just awful people and you have to use different techniques to cope.

coffeetablestain · 2020-01-24T17:56:03+00:00

Okay, people are inherently opportunistic, that just means that people will not respect your boundaries unless you establish them.

Parents will come in your room without asking if you don’t tell them to knock. If you get in the habit of paying for your friends at lunch they will expect it. A spouse or girlfriend will not take into account things that inconvenience you or make you feel bad always unless you talk about it.

I mean, all of TRP can be thrown away with this one simple trick: talk.

It’s not a dark truth or something you need to study primates and come up with systems for dealing with, it’s just having self respect and making it known when you don’t like a thing. If you’re not comfortable with something, first you figure out why then you explain this to your people or partner.

Also listen to them and realize that everyone feels awkward about expressing their boundaries and discomfort with things, so always dig in and talk about it when you sense someone else might be trying to weigh their own discomfort with a thing. Make people around you comfortable with expressing their needs and express your own, so that your environment around you becomes a safe place for people who trust you to be honest and you in turn with them. It’s actually a nice personality trait to practice and embrace because it makes you cool, nice to be around and respectable.

baddadpuns · 2020-02-05T13:28:53+00:00

The most basic personal boundaries have to do with your own feelings, beliefs and actions. What you feel, what you believe and what you do are entire your own responsibility and anyone who coerces you to do otherwise is pushing your boundaries.

Examples:

If you are sad and someone makes you feel guilty for being sad and you put on a happy face - your boundary has been tested.

If you believe in certain values, but someone makes fun of it, and make you act otherwise - your boundary has been tested.

If you are uncomfortable or don't enjoy doing, and someone makes you feel that the only option you have is to do it, even if you dont want to - then your boundary has been tested.

> how can I respond appropriately?

You state very clearly but calmly what you feel, believe or feel uncomfortable doing and make it clear that you dont appreciate them keep pushing on this. If it continues, leave the situation physically. If they keep doing this subsequently, you have to consider cutting this person out of your life.

The best way to set firm boundaries is to have a really good self-esteem and self-worth. This comes from accepting yourself just the way you are and not based on what others think of you. When your self-esteem is at a healthy level, you wont feel comfortable as soon as someone starts pushing your boundaries. And similarly, you wont feel good pushing someon else's boundaries. Thats a good way to build a healthy relationship.

Title	Checking my boundaries or shit-testing
Author	mosham126
Upvotes	8
Comments	3
Date	January 23, 2020 10:12 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/et0eu5/checking_my_boundaries_or_shittesting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/checking-my-boundaries-or-shit-testing.313782 https://theredarchive.com/post/313782

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