Ex Truecel?

raziphel · 2016-06-30T14:11:35+00:00

That fantasy issue you point to is actually a problem with accomplishing things in general. If you, say, are writing a story, if you you spend too much time rolling it around in your brain, you're actually less likely to actually do the work and finish the project, because your mind considers it complete and there's less motivation to actually do it. It's a very common pitfall, and I can certainly see how it would apply to dating.

That, and getting out of fantasy-land is scary sometimes. There's a very real fear of failure, which makes it hard to actually try and apply yourself successfully. Due to a lack of total experience, singular failures feel bigger. Depression and intrusive thoughts can absolutely turn those feelings into overwhelming blocks.

There are a lot of ways to get through it, and what works for one person might not work for another.

I'd suggest working on the depression first. There are a lot of online support groups, and things to help pick you up (like Boggle the Owl or /r/motivatinggiraffe), but I'd really suggest talking to a therapist about it, so you can get some hands-on, personal interaction and help.

Personally, I've come to look as failure as being an integral part of success. If you turn individual negative experiences into opportunities to learn, they stop being negative. Think of it as the scientific method: have a theory, test it, see if it works; if it doesn't, modify the theory and test again. Dating is a skill just like anything else, and just like walking or basketball or WoW, you won't get good at it if you don't practice and level up. Be patient with yourself, because no skill develops overnight, and yeah, it's gonna be frustrating at times.

In the mean time, if there are ways you can improve yourself to make you more appealing to others... do it. You don't have to change who you are, but be the best you you can be. Not just to attract others, but because you deserve it. Getting mental health help is one of those things, too. It'll make it easier to deal with the dark and intrusive thoughts.

ActualGirlExperience · 2016-07-06T03:38:47+00:00

As someone who had a hard time dating and still has a hard time socializing, I look for people who are receptive to advice that can help them.

I think it's great that you are considering not thinking dark thoughts about women. I'll start by offering female insight and insight based on experiences according to the order of your sentences.

1) If you want to de-brainwash yourself from truecel ideas, a support group like a forum like this is a great place to start but also look at other sources where those ideas can be easily dispelled. Talk to a friend, a relative, post questions in a relationship forum, etc.

2) It's hard going through life as an adult without having been in a relationship but think about what you want out of a relationship and what it means to you to not have been in one. A) If your end goal of a relationship is someone to share the rest of your life with, it's only 1 relationship that will matter. When you meet that woman, it won't matter that you never broke up with anyone before. B) If your immediate goal of a relationship is to experience and figure out dating, bonding, and communication with females, don't put so much stock in each approach or rejection.

Being afraid to ask girls out due to fear of rejection is like the quote "You miss 100% of shots you don't take". Rejection is difficult early on and it's a feeling no one likes but every time I was rejected was a lesson. I learned to either have a better approach or accept that a man didn't think I was a good match.

Don't uphold fantasies. It's better to face rejection and know when to move onto a better-suited woman than to never ask her out yet keep dreaming about her. She's not worth the mental anguish of that false hope.

A lot of people have felt, and feel lonely. It's not a unique experience. In fact, it's a feeling everyone can agree on. There are various reasons for people's loneliness but nothing says you have to be permanently lonely. I've been ghosted a few times. The experiences kept me away from dating for years. During those years, I kept to myself, stayed in my room mostly, and cried a lot over men who probably never thought about me after their last text to me.

Being rejected and ghosted depressed me but it never made sense to hate men as a whole because of these handful of events. In fact, most of my friends who consoled me during those years were men. I knew there were caring and considerate men out there and I just hoped that one day, one would want to be in a relationship with me.

Now I'm going to go through your sentences again and share how I dealt with same or similar feelings.

Don't let being single or being in a relationship define your worth. Someone giving enough of a shit to date you isn't what validates your existence. You're a whole person without someone else. Don't look for another half, look for an addition to your life.

I want to stress "looking for an addition". Even if you're in a relationship, that person could be subtracting from your happiness. If that happens, don't feel like you're going to be lesser as a single person.

Let go of trying to be happy with fantasies and try to find real happiness in your life. The pieces won't come together at once and all of it is hard but it's worth it once you find true things that make you happy. The first step is not expecting it to be a person. Live your life and always make time for hobbies that make you happy. Build a support group of reliable, listening friends. While you're doing all of this, be on the lookout for anyone you're interested in or anyone who might be interested in you.

Dating can come about in many ways. Maybe your friendship with a female friend could escalate, maybe you and a trusted guy friend can go to a party, concert, or bar together.

Fantasies and rejection when it comes to friends: I've had guy friends ask me out and there was no reason not to let them down easily. I have remained friends with some of these guys years after I told them I value their friendship but don't see a relationship forming. I've also remained friends for years with guy friends after they had rejected me. It was awkward for a while but they are still the same people and they are still in my life. It's great enough that they are there and even better that they are still there even if they ended up dating other people.

While I was down in the dumps for years, I held out hope that I would be unghosted, that I would run into them somewhere, etc. But that kept me from dating and eventually finding someone.

Just because you haven't been in a relationship doesn't mean you need to label yourself as a forever alone, incel, truecel, or anything! You don't need a label! You're a good person who is trying to find another good person. It's going to be trial and error but so long as you're willing to invest effort in searching for "the one" or whatever experience you're looking for, you're a step closer, and once you find her, you won't regret the trouble it took to do it.

beckoning_cat · 2016-07-01T17:37:39+00:00

I have been ghosted by 2 guys recently. Does it make me hate men?no. It makes me sad that as a whole, people think this is ok to do.

What I did is go out with a guy just as friends. He apologized for the jerks and said not all guys are like that and we had a fun time with no expectations.

I also had to question my own line of thinking that got me into that position in the first place. But I also had to learn that sometimes it has nothing to do with me and is the failure on the other person.

Instead of blaming it on men, I fight against ghosting itself, by anyone, which is a completely unacceptable behavior.

noliflere · 2016-08-17T00:46:01+00:00

Ok. Are you interested in the "fantasy relationship" thing from the woman's point of view? Because I have been the "fantasy" girl several times.

Here's how that worked out. The guy made friends with me and we had fun studying and hanging out. The guy bottled up his feelings for the entire semester. Finally, he wrote me an impassioned letter or made a tearful declaration of love. And the question was: do you feel the same way about me?

The answer was always 'no,' because I was 1. Dumb as a post and 2. I do not form crushes easily. On anyone. Even if I said, well we could go on a date and see what happens, they were mortally wounded. And once they heard that 'no' they were out of there. It was horrible for both parties.

Now, there were two other guys who were smitten by me, but they reacted differently and thus achieved different outcomes. One guy was in my social circle for several months before he suddenly decided I was his dream girl. He, however, immediately took action and asked me out. I believe the word "date" was used. I agreed to the date, and we went out for a year and a half. It ended with me breaking up, sadly, but at least he had a girlfriend for that time and not just a fantasy.

After that I met another guy who fell in love at first sight with me. He only waited one month before asking me on a date. Again, he did NOT open with "I think you're the one." He just said (after we hung out with friends) "Hey, sometime I'd like to take you on a real date." Well, he was funny and cute, so why would I say no? A year later we were married.

So. Befriend your crush, but do not linger. Ask for a date. Don't pretend it is anything other than a date. The friendzone is mostly self-created. I let those guys pine after me because... I was a dum-dum who thought a guy could want to hang out with a girl all the time for purely friendly motives. I never dated them because THEY NEVER ASKED.

Title	Ex Truecel?
Author	RelationshipAdvice89
Upvotes	12
Comments	24
Date	June 30, 2016 7:04 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/4qkdhn/ex_truecel/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/ex-truecel.300398 https://theredarchive.com/post/300398

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