I just wanted to share my story, I don't know why I want to but maybe this will help someone else.

So I just wanted to get out of the red pill mindset, the black pill the incel mindset. I am 31 years old and the last time I had a girlfriend was in high school. It went on for 8 years and ended in 2014. First I'll talk about the relationship a bit. I was the goth kid in my high school. I was great with making friends and talking to people. I had a don't care attitude about things. I just liked making friends and making people happy. So at that time I was desperate for any female attention. I would notice my friends girlfriends would leave them and gravitate toward me. My friends didn't have as much confidence as me and I was always the class clown and doing weird stuff to get attention. I loved when their girlfriends hung around me and sometimes they would leave them to hang with me. I was into watching porn a ton while I was younger. I had huge collections of it on my computer (still do). But one of the girls that left my friend she liked me and I didn't like her at first, she felt troublesome but hey it was a female and I wanted that attention. Before I met her I was friends with the popular kid in highschool, we didn't have the same interests but we spoke often. He always hung around girls and girls seemed to be all over him. He would talk and show how much phone numbers he got and I would lie saying I got a couple as well.

So I was with this girl for a total of 8 years. It wasn't a good experience. I was so open-minded talking and making friends with everyone around me and she never had that ability. She was like a slave in her own house and had to do everything for her family. She never made or had much friends. She would get upset if I looked or even spoke to other people and even though I didn't like her at first we hung out more and more and eventually I liked her. I started skipping school with her. The female attention I was receiving was amazing. I didn't get to have sex with her for the first 2 years, she kept saying she didn't want to just give it up so easily. That I had to earn it. So I did.. I ended up giving up most or all of my friendships in those years. It was me and her and I liked her... I didn't love her. I never did finish high school. My grades were so horrible. I tried to make her happy so many times, it didn't always work. Trying to make her happy felt like a full time job but I was happy when things did work out. I grew up with a lot of anger issues from my own family and getting angry at her felt like a double edge sword. I was stabbing my anger at her but it also stabbed me. Getting angry at someone you like is annoying. Throughout those 8 years we had sex 6 times. She hated that I was bi-sexual. She always brought up stuff like being her knight and shining armor and I dunno... at times I did find myself going to LGBT Centers and meeting new people. This mostly happened on our breakups and once again I found myself making friends in 3-6 months. Eh, I never got into sex or anything but it sometimes almost happened. You see I was a shy person until people cracked my shy bubble then I was the most talkative open person you'd ever meet. I liked her because well I was afraid of STD's (still am) so it felt nice to be with someone who I could share things with and be with someone that didn't have any diseases. But I knew she didn't accept me fully for me and I didn't want to leave the relationship.

I kept telling myself that being in a bad relationship was better then being alone. But there would be so much times when I got home from hanging out with her telling myself that I'm just sad and frustrated. I didn't believe in love and sex was something I felt like I was begging for. I did want a family, I always wanted to create the family I never had. At 2014 when I was 24 I convinced myself that this was it. This relationship had gotten to me so badly that I tried to k*ll myself. There is so much details that this would end up becoming a book. After it was over, in about a week I contacted her back asking if we could be friends. Being alone felt like death. Me and my family didn't get along at all. I wasn't the favorite child. I realized that maybe I didn't want love, maybe I just wanted sex. But clearly I didn't know how to get it. I found videos in 2015 about PUA and RedPill. I loved those videos because I felt like I was that blue pill nice guy. I grew up watching Disney movies and always tried to be nice to people even giving up food to others if it meant I would go hungry. I loved making people happy because it meant I had purpose in this world. It meant that I wasn't a waste of space. In middle school I attempted to get run over by a car, since then I figured I'd help people anyway I can to give my life meaning.

The thing with PUA is that I always felt like "Aren't you still simping for these women?" same with MGTOW. All this bitterness and some of it I felt like I understood. The whole divorce r*pe thing. That the court is in favor of females. It all scared me to know that my life could be ruined by interacting with females. I tried following MGTOW because it felt the easiest. I mean PUA was okay and I read many books about it but it didn't feel like me, it felt like I was taking advantage of females. I'm not a mean person or I try not to be. I figured I just work on being by myself, a lone wolf. I figured I'd forget about women but over the years I started to hate them. The fact that women can get a guy just by being alive. Even ugly women had a better chance then most men. It felt unfair and I wished to be bornin the 80s or something. I never said things like, "Women Belong in the Kitchen." I felt if I had a woman I would treat them well. I wanted to love but didn't believe in it. I looked into prostution to get rid of my needs but I live in NYC and well I hear nothing but how cops arrest guys like that. It angered me that prostitution was illegal. What the hell are lonely guys to do? I felt screwed. Like women had this advantage that I never knew about. That a girl can easily pick and choose who she wanted but a man could go years without even a single hug.

Like I said I looked up a lot of things and I told myself I'd work on myself and forget women. Don't pay attention to them. Now... problem was I still liked women. At least how they looked. Even though I was Bi-sexual I liked men who's body was more feminine. I never liked big giant muscles or hairy guys. So in a way it felt like I liked the personality of a guy with the body of a female. But I haven't dated either. Hell dating feels weird on its own. I like gaming, I like p*rn, I stayed home a lot to save money because I don't spend it a lot. I also lived with my parents and they would never accept a female coming inside. Not like I knew how to get their attention. Talking to random people who didn't first break my shy bubble was... unheard of. Even to guys, I didn't want to pester or bother people. But as I said I can be very talkative and try to make jokes. Either way it's 2022 and while playing a visual novel dating game.... yeah... I kept telling myself I would like to be around or be with a decent down to earth girl. Maybe not marriage but to at least laugh and joke around with. I don't even know where to start. I just know that I hate this red-pill crap. I hate thinking I'm some beta male when I'm somewhat intelligent with technology, I love helping people, I love being there for people, I'm very good with kids and a great motivator for other people. I don't want to hate anyone and I feel like at 31 I'm too old. I know deep down I'm a basement dwelling loser who hated women for all the wrong reasons. This year I got my GED, I lost 70lbs and I got into calisthenics. I just know I don't want to hate people anymore. I don't want to hate women because if a woman gave me attention I wouldn't throw it away. I know I should treat women like people and not think of whats between their legs. I know I should get better at socializing and maybe I should spend money to just go out and find where fun where tons of people are... it still doesn't mean I'd talk. I lost weight but it means nothing to me. I can gain tons of hobbies but.. I dunno. Thanks for listening.