I lacked confidence in social situations for a long time. On top of general anxiety, I had social anxieties in nearly every situation. I eventually realized it was because I had no set of rules. Any type of conflict, no matter how small, made me unsure. Was I in the wrong? Was someone else in the wrong? What is okay and not okay for me to do/say? What about other people?

Eventually I came across what was called the personal bill of rights. This was one of the big steps in getting me to relax around people. To me, it was a clear structure on how to treat people. The magic of it is that everyone can follow these guidelines at the same time without overlap. The entire list of rights has about 30 bullet points, but I’ve picked out my personal favorites here that I think apply to social situations.

  • I have the right to ask for what I want.
  • I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
  • I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
  • I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
  • I have the right to change my mind.
  • I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
  • I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
  • I have the right to determine my own priorities.
  • I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
  • I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
  • I have the right to say “I don’t understand.”
  • I have the right to say “I don’t care.”
  • I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
  • I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
  • I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
  • I have the right to change and grow.
  • I have the right to be happy.

This gave me a baseline of how to act and treat people, specifically women in dating. I became much more direct and started to ask for what I wanted. I set boundaries more and felt more comfortable saying no. I realized it was okay to change my mind about dating women at any point. I could go with my gut and not have to explain why I was or wasn’t interested in someone.

Are you holding yourself back in dating? Are you unsure of what to do or say when on a date, or in any social situation? Do like I did and reread these values every once in a while. Almost every week I could find another way that this list gave me answers.