I've realised that our actions determine how much we love ourselves. It's all the decisions we take that prove it. Our acts of kindness towards ourselves, the times when we set our boundaries, when we have been assertive, all of that.

Women here know how nice women, naive women become doormats for not only their lovers, but also their friends and family. If one doesn't know how to stand up for oneself, things wouldn't change. You'd still end up hating yourself for not behaving in a high value way. You need to be self aware and take conscious decisions. Get rid of the fear of losing a low value man, you only have limited time on this Earth, why do you want an ego boost by making something unsatisfactory work?

I realised that today. I'm a medical student and I don't have time for a relationship. The first guy I kissed, that was 4 years ago, he and I are finally in town for the longest duration at the same time. We've stayed in touch and met a couple of times in these past years but we knew long distance doesn't work. Four years ago I was 18 and I confessed my love to him. You know, the first kiss effect. (He's 8 years older than me) Now we are in a friends with benefits kinda situation. As I know I don't want him, I was using him for sexual release and trying all psychological tips and tricks I find on the web on him for fun. And trust me girls, all of those work. We were supposed to meet last Sunday when I called him to confirm (1st mistake) and he didn't pick up. I called him again but no answer. Twenty minutes later at 4.20, I get a text saying: Hey, I'd love to see you. I had some guest over for lunch so I couldn't pick up. (We were supposed to meet at 5)

I still get all excited and start dressing up. At 4.40, I get a call and he said: I have some more guests coming over, can I see you as soon as they leave?

I got pissed and asked him to ask me again when they're gone. (He's never done this before but I don't take any bad behaviour easily now, he could've called) He texted me one and a half hour later to tell me if it was too late then. I didn't respond. He replied to my Instagram story, I didn't reply to that either, for two days. After that I texted him: I didn't like how things ended the other day. How are you willing to make up?

He said he wanted to see me and asked if he could see me today evening or tomorrow. I said I could see him 2 days later. He said he would like a spontaneous plan. I said he needs to tell me at least one day before and we agreed to that in the end. Later tonight he told me that he's unsure about tomorrow because he couldn't ask his mother about her plans but he'll try his best to make it because he misses his hands on me. (He lives with his mother these days)

This made me angry. He couldn't ask her because he didn't want to. I wasn't a priority, I realised. Then I thought about how my ego wants him to want me and that he's not really good for me because we've had a history. Not to forget he can manipulate me easily and get his way because he's like a decade older.

More than any of this, I was done. I don't want a fwb who wants to see me whenever he pleases. How disrespectful is that!

I told him: Don't worry about it. We'll plan someday when you know about her plans. He was like: hah okay! And then continued the conversation with other topics. I haven't read those texts. I'm no longer a doormat. It might be easier for you guys but honestly, I've never been this assertive in my life. Especially not with this guy. It was a huge win. My breath was quivering after I was done with the text. I still feel weird about it. Quite overwhelmed.