https://www.tiktok.com/@bphillyy/video/6999118609268149510?sender_device=mobile&sender_web_id=7001870544287073797&is_from_webapp=v1&is_copy_url=0
Watched this tiktok and it got me thinking about how my former boss kind of had a corporate form of that bros before hoes mentality and how it led to the dissolution of my job and relationship with him.
He had a gf he’d been dating 10 years and whom he presented as his wife, making a big show of how she must be respected as such in front of her every time she came around. He referred to her kids as his step kids. But flirted so hard and so openly with a particular female colleague there, that at least 2 different people broke down and straight up asked me if they fucked. Almost making a big show of doing it in the halls in front of everyone to show his power. I later heard that female colleagues assistant talking about how the flirting was so strong it made her uncomfortable even though she knew it wasn’t directed at her, because he would sometimes kind of involve her in t.he verbal sparring since she happened to sit right there. Any way him and the 10 year gf definitely weren’t married even though he made a huge deal of mooning on her and presenting her as his wife and even saying stuff to her on the phone like “you’re so smart. That’s why I married you”.
Anyway, I had full access to my bosses’ email to look for business receipts etc. One day I was in there and ran across an email where he referred to his gfs kids as his step kids to a male colleague he was friends with. The colleague asks, “omg? Am I hearing right? Did you and x finally jump the broom/ tie the knot?”He replied almost derisively- Get out of here. You know I would never.
I thought that was such a low- bros before hoes- moment, to put her out there in a way that was humiliating to her and making a joke of her behind her back in front of an old college friend you only talk to via email once a year. When she’s been getting out the same bed with you for over a decade and caring for you when you’re ill and investing in you. You think that vague old distant acquaintance-ship should trump your loyalty to someone you lay down with nightly and no doubt tell your dreams and fears to and who keeps them safe and confidential?? Like how low. Such misplaced loyalty to his bro v his mate. He could’ve also told his friend respectfully, no they hadn’t married without being derisive and flip about it like “please! You know Id never do that shit” and pretty much having a laugh at her expense. What a fool she’ll look like when they all meet up, trying to play the perfect girlfriend and wife and fawning over, waiting on him while they all smile over her head, not knowing they’ve all been talking about her like that.
But thinking more on it, he always had that attitude where the opinion and respect of his male business colleagues was more important to him than any female relationship- whether professional or personal even when those had been far longer and “closer”.
I saw the same disloyalty toward his office flirt mate. He’d known her for over 20 years and worked closely with her on the same team but I noticed he allowed the younger male team members who were not yet on her level to laugh at her as lazy or not that great at the job and in general sort of disrespect her. He leaned on her a ton for emotional support going with moon eyes and taking long private walks with her for somewhat intimate conversations when he felt stressed from the job, in some cases almost holding hands, like slow date walk, hands just barely brushing to disappear for 1 hr+ alone in the garage after he asks her to walk him out before leaving to the airport for a big trip. Me, him and a young male attorney he’d only worked with about 3 yrs versus the 20 with her were all sitting at a cafe getting them coffee they needed before a demanding work event. His office flirt mates name came up and a promotion of her to senior partner. The younger attorney asked if my boss the senior partner was going to vouch for her. I was shocked to see him hem and haw after flirting outrageously with her daily and then allow the young attorney to kinda throw some very open overly confident barbs about her work quality not being that good, confident that the two of them were much closer than him and her. It was annoying to me that he was allowed to speak to my boss in this overly intimate conspiratorial way about her when the little shit was far less senior to her and actually took work from her/ reported to her to some extent even though he only viewed the male as his boss. It was clear this little shit who only worked with my boss 1 or 2 years vs this womens 20 was talking like he had a way better more intimate relationship with him and it’s just the two of them so close and like she was the outsider they were kind of d*cking around. But my boss allowed it.
Soon the time came when it was clear that they also had intimate convos about me behind my back. Even though he was gung ho about me never speaking poorly of him or embarrassing him by putting him out of house with the secretaries- my contemporaries and colleagues. The younger attorney started making kinda of rude insinuations that i was a little mentally imbalanced in a way that was trying to make me a bit the butt of the joke in team meetings and lunches with my boss looking onward and not correcting it. It was clear to me he felt comfortable saying it because it’s the kind of convo they had about me in private. So now he gets in the open making little jokes and inferences about it in public- like right? right? and looking towards my boss for approval and with knowing conspiratorial smiles.
My boss expected complete loyalty towards me and I had a lot of intimate knowledge of him since I did personal things for his family and kids and was really more of a personal steward. I was expected to keep his reputation sterling and my mouth shut but it was clear he talked about me in a way that was kind of laughing me around or making me the butt of the joke with the guys- even this first year little associate shit. And that gave them the feeling they could deal with me a bit disrespectfully and rudely as it had been somewhat sanctioned and approved by the boss. There were times when I sent personal communication either through texts or email to either my boss or this first year associate and it was clear they showed it to the other, allowed the other to read it. But of course when he had a family issue etc. I was to keep that strictly quiet and private.
There was one occasion where my senior boss wanted me to leave early from a city he was visiting and demanded i get him on a flight. He had called me from a conference room in another city were several of our male team mates were sitting in person as well as a few who’d stayed home with me in the local office were tied in virtually. Id said it wasn’t possible and he mentioned another team member had managed it to, so Id better get it too. Later the younger team member who was still local but tied into that meeting virtually, demanded I walk to get his lunch from like 3 blocks away so he wouldn’t have to step away from his virtual connection to the meeting. I told him I couldn’t because I was charged with getting the Big Partner a flight and sweating hard at handling that.
He got bitter and jealous and in a salty manner divulged to me that the colleague my boss had said had got a flight easily, had actually only managed it by refreshing at 3 am in the morning and that it was never going to happen for me. But my boss had set me on this wild goose chase anyway and apparently they were all in that conference room in another state knowing it was impossible and laughing at all the sweating I was doing trying so hard to make it happen. He revealed this to me to show me the task didn’t matter, in hopes I’d just go get his sandwich since he was hungry.
You see what I mean? I didn’t mind getting the flight but why did he set me up to have all these men laughing in a conference room at how hard I was sweating to do it? Was that even necessary? It was like an idle flex for the men at the expense of my basic dignity.
Although I spent far more time with him and he relied on me far more, and I also knew far more him about him intimately it was always bros before hoes. Even a vague relationship with these guys always took precedent over his relationship with me. I notice he never told me any jokes or personal info about them that exposed their problems or made them the joke. That was kinda considered not my business, above my head, like adult business is not told to a child. But it was clear my “problems” and supposed “issues” or struggles there were discussed openly with them and even laughed at a little.
Eventually his ugly talking me behind my back with the other men and even the older woman on our team is exactly what caused me to leave his work t*ts fucking up.
It was a corporate bros before hoes mentality, very boys club manner
In looking back, even bringing me on as his assistant was as much about showing his power in front of his male colleagues as it was to advance me. He loved how it looked being waited on by someone young and beautiful. Laying out his lunch for him, carrying his things for him, bringing him documents. And part of having me there was about the jealousy it induced in other men for him to be fawned over and cared for by a young fashionable women, while they look on jealously and have to go back to their old, tired, boring secretaries. I notice there were certain things he’d never call me to do but when he happened to be meeting in his office with big male colleagues he was rivals with he’d suddenly make a huge point of calling me in to bring him something or do something for him. So he could look powerful having me trot in in my heels and pencil skirt with the paper he requested and fawn over him asking if it’s what he wanted, while he lays back in the chair, looking non chalant and lazy, bored, looking in another direction while he motions for me to “just put it over there”. Shit he never ever otherwise called me for. He was doing it as a subtle flex so the men could look on jealousy and his profile could be raised among the men.
He always valued the respect of the young boys there and other male colleagues over his relationship with or respect from me and would give me micro disrespect to impress them and in the end, that’s what ended the job and resulted in the ultimate embarrassment- me leaving him completely. I’m sure they clown the hell out of him about it even now
Just some musings on the situation. You can all can all give your own thoughts on it below. Looking back it was interesting to see how that mentality manifested in not just his personal romantic relationships, but his platonic working relationship with me. Eventually that feeling of being the butt of a few private jokes and not genuinely respected kind of got to me and I left. You don’t have to be dating them to be affected by the fact that they don’t actually see women as equals but as tools. Love to hear your thoughts.
