I am a noob to posting on this sub (posting from a burner as I am quite active on other parts of reddit... no explanation needed as to that). I do read the sub but as it's quite active I don't read it all the time; I am not sure if anyone made a post like this but it's been on my mind so much lately.

Please feel free to add anything I may have missed. I am so tired of entering dating situations in good faith, as a well-accomplished professional who happens to be neurodivergent disclosing to someone my status only to be essentially abused until I cut things off.

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  • Please be aware that neurodivergent women are more vulnerable to coercive control, being manipulated, and gaslit. Contrary to what the internet and social media perpetuates, gaslighting is NOT someone being an asshole, someone diverting/deflecting issues, someone trying to behave in a manipulative manner. Gaslighting IS someone making you question your memory, your sanity, your actions, and your perceptions. Obviously this is a risk for anyone but I have noticed that being both neurodivergent (ADHD and on the autism spectrum) and a woman, makes me a much easier target for LVM and abusive men.

  • I believe this is due to growing up with a lot of guilt and shame for being neurodivergent (especially those who are diagnosed later in life), will have been fed a disproportionately large amount of negative messaging that becomes internalized. Later when we are aware of our neurodivergent status and how we think/feel/perceive differently, we can knowingly or unknowingly mask our own nature, trying to constantly perform things in a normative/acceptable way, and gaslight ourselves because we know we are neurodivergent and that it poses challenges for those around us (I struggle A LOT with this - for example I grew up abused by both parents at home. It took me years of therapy to come to terms with the fact that they were abusive. Once I got my diagnoses as neurodivergent, I felt guilt all over again - thoughts like “I was likely just a very difficult child and they didn’t know how to deal with me,” “they had their hands full and I was exhausting them, I feel so bad.” This dynamic in a straight relationship can lead to massive potential and “opportunities” for a man to take advantage of you and keep you in a controlled position.

  • Disclosing to a partner your neurodivergent status can often lead to them feeling like they have to parent you. In my opinion asking for dating/relationship accommodations works better if they don't know that this is related to being neurodivergent, and connecting it with being high-value. For example: "I have autism and ADHD and last minute spontaneous plans really send me into a spiral, please respect my condition and try not to do this," will lead to a LVM/manipulator using it against you in the future, as opposed to, "I have a really busy schedule and weekly deadlines so I appreciate knowing in advance when we're going to hang out. The activity itself can be a surprise or spontaneous, but it helps me to make sure my work is done by that window of time."

  • This could be my trauma speaking, but in my experience it never did anything positive for me to disclose to a man that I was neurodivergent. Has anyone had good experiences with this in navigating a wasteland of LVM, or had a HVM that it worked well with? Please feel free to leave any other advices or experiences here for the other neurodivergent queens 🖤