Hating yourself through poor taste

A lovely person has inspired me to expand more on this topic I struggled with personally in the past, and made me aware that there are others that may experience the same!

My past, whether it be a romantic relationship or a platonic friendship, I've had my fair share of people that put me down, disrespect me and my boundaries, and absolutely obliterated my self esteem. Now, I didn't come from the most positive household, but I was the most bubbly person i've ever known, and no matter what unsolicited comments i've received, I stayed positive and optimistic (this then transformed into toxic positivity, but that's a talk for another time). I always believed that I was here to listen to people's problems and be there punching bag. I was basically a pickme, but for all humanity, not just men.

When I was burnt out and moved to a new country, I was FLABBERGASTED that I was burnt out and felt negative, as if moving away removed the hypnosis and let every negative comment flood in. However, looking back it was obvious to see the signs-my poor mental state allowed me to tolerate all of the negative people and mental/physical/sexual abuse I endured (let alone was not aware it was actually abuse!) and I felt I deserved it. I didn't deserve for my friends to listen to me when I needed someone, I didn't deserve a boyfriend that encouraged my studies, I didn't deserve a family that was proud of me, because I never received any of those things, and I never tried to, because I HATED myself.

I never noticed how much a toll it takes to have people make comments about you at that age (10-16) and sweeping it under the rug doesn't help. Living in a country where you are demeaned and belittled by your government doesn't help. Growing up in a society that roots against you doesn't help.

So what changed?

I felt like my life was worthless, that I made no change in the world, that I didn't matter. I never spoke about my emotions because everyone used me as an outlet rather than real friends, so when I noticed myself feeling broken down inside, and I had to look at what was wrong-was I changing myself for the world, or was I expecting the world to change for me? Regardless, both ideologies are unhealthy and once I found self help books, my passion in life (law), got closer to God, (this journey is different for everyone, and I respect that!) it was only then I realized that my bad friends and poor taste and lack of communication of boundaries was because I didn't feel worthy of kindness. I wasn't worthy to be happy.

If you feel that you are unworthy, people will, unfortunately, treat you as such. That is why you must stay away from relationships and work on yourself at this time to build yourself from the ground up.

Tell yourself all the cheesy self help things, meditate, read, find what fuels you, be your most authentic self and do whatever it takes to show you that you are WORTHY. Even without all these acts, you are WORTHY. You are human, you made some bad choices/mistakes, maybe they happened to you, but you are worthy of change. You deserve to love yourself for all you are and all you have done.

Once you are comfortable with your own company and rebuild your self esteem, you will bring that energy towards you and feel much happier in your life. You will no longer stand for mental/physical/sexual abuse, you will not tolerate disrespect and dismissiveness of your ideas, you will rise and know that you deserve to feel safe in your own skin.

These are so much easier said than done, and if you showed me this post a year or two ago, I probably would have said that I was "self-absorbed" and "selfish", but we all deserve love. Being confident in yourself and willing to learn in the future is all we can aspire to be. To help others and spread kindness is much more difficult when we don't share it with ourselves, too.

Thank you for reading, stay safe<3

Edit: i've added some reads below (from Google Scholar, so i'm not sure if they're all accessible)

Characteristics Associated with Low Self-esteem among U.S. Adolescents

The Link Between Self-Esteem and Social Relationships: A Meta-Analysis of Longitudinal Studies

Positive relationships boost self-esteem, and vice versa