I saw a post recently here talking about men changing. Before I get into this, as a general rule of thumb, you probably should not date your ex again. These are some things I've noticed.

Ways you know people, especially men, have changed:

  • They have normal conversations with you (no turbulence, awkwardness or strictly text)
  • They discuss the past calmly because it's the past and they view the past as separate from their current selves
  • They take clear responsibility for anything they may have done and give a sincere, well thought out apology if granted
  • They also point out things you may have done to hurt them and hold you accountable
  • They have stabilized themselves in areas they hadn't before consistently and for a long period of time (better partner selection, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, etc)
  • When you talk to them, you notice how they speak has changed a bit
  • It's easy to speak to them or engage with them from time to time
  • They have advanced their life in a some sort of direction you never saw coming (whether its a new hobby, interest, skill, friend group, school, project, etc.)

Ways you know people, especially exes have not changed:

  • They keep making the same mistakes (gambling, drinking, unambitious, lazy, etc.)
  • They have not secured another partner and/or they have secured a partner who is very similar to you and other exes, especially in your background (trauma is popular)
  • They can not discuss the past
  • Its uncomfortable and emotions (even if not romantic) are quick to flair up except maybe annoyance from both sides.
  • They mention quickly how they changed or "people changed"/hinting at themselves
  • They have a new partner but tries to hide them including avoiding mentioning them. I don't understand this yet and maybe I'm the awful ex and they need to hide their girlfriends from me? I do notice this often though. My normal exes have no problem mentioning their partners or even talking a bit about them. My other exes (who are over me) will hide their partners and only acknowledge them if I mention it first.
  • They are quick to fully open up to you almost too much or they are quick to fully shut you out without decency.