I have a new roommate, and last night she asked did I want to go out. She said “I just really want to go out and chat to some guys!” I kinda thought hmm ok, not usually what I do on a night out but maybe it could be fun for a change. So we went out and three guys invited us over to their table for drinks.

They were pretty good looking but right away I knew they weren’t my type. Conversation was pretty basic and dull and they mainly talked about themselves. They flirted a lot. Putting their arms around me, rubbing my back, buying us drinks.

At one stage I said “You better not have girlfriends.” To which one replied: “No, we don’t.”

The night went on and my roommate said to me “We need to stick with these. But there’s a lot of girls around so they might go off with one of them, I’ll be furious if they do. I’ll literally go home.”

I hated this. I told her my night is not dependent on men liking me or not. She ignored me.

But the night went on and I got drunker and could feel my old pick me behaviours coming to the fore. Laughing at their stupid jokes, trying to come across as fun and cool. Trying to keep their attention on me.

Long story short, at the end of the night I found out two of them had girlfriends. I was disgusted. I told them they are disgusting and their response was “We did nothing wrong, how are we disgusting?”

My roommate brought the other guy home. This morning he left and she was really upset he never asked for her number.

This whole thing has made me sick to my stomach. I’m ashamed of myself. I actually cried last night when I got home. How could I let myself down like this? I went against everything I believe in and this morning I feel so inauthentic.

Never again. I do not need to chase men. Ever. I do not need to act a certain way to get them to like me. I will never do what I did last night again.