Been in one of those rock bottom- ish ruts reflecting on choices and efforts and things that didn’t work out.

Like many women, I had double doses of earnest self loathing and raging eagerness for approval and acceptance. I was a good wife, mom, daughter, a dependable hard working employee, a diligent student. As far as it depended on me I showed up to prove myself and earn my place.

Being in a long tedious transition I focused on myself applying the same effort and my results were life changing.

The lessons learned though, shattered all my ideas about fairness and living in the world as a woman.

My decision to actively pursue a relationship through OLD and meeting men IRL was a lesson years in the making. It’s apparent now that my humanity was zeroed out. I was just a widget in a machine that destroys women to extract sexual benefits and other creature comforts.

I had lots of blame. For myself mainly, that was basically I was too much or less than and simultaneously too worthy and worthless. All this made me mega sad.

During all this dating, I found radical feminism and critical gender theory - bell hooks book trilogy on love and many many more resources- I’ve always known I had a raw deal for being a women since I was a child and seeing eloquent apt analysis of how modern “romance” works- I have no excuses or justifications or sympathy left. And there’s no way to feel bad about myself.

And finally, I quit hurting so deeply. There was nothing wrong with my choice to desire and seek partnership. It was not a moral failure to believe that relationship was a worthy goal. I wasn’t anything terrible- gold digger, lazy or crazy or any pejorative stereotype of a woman wanting love. There was nothing wrong with wanting to form a team of two to create emotional, social and economic benefits.

Still slightly sad over the fail. Not for me - my life is fine. Just that the most obvious way to create a cooperative existence - something common to many species, pair bonding for heterosexuals like me is dying and I refuse to participate in any of the typical shit that’s on offer because I know exactly what it all means and how it all turns out. I’m still about 15% sad.