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BasieSkanks
[–]2340000FDS Disciple34 points35 points36 points 6 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
I wish men (and the majority of society) would believe this and stop ABUSING people when they want better or someone different.
When I was with my ex, and very blind to abuse, I asked to spend more time together and for him to call. Both he never did. In response to my requests he called me negative. Told me I had unhealthy expectations of him. That I was constantly criticizing him. He was vindictive sexually and repeatedly gaslit me. Why abuse me that much when you could just say, "hey I'm not willing to give what you want. We shouldn't be dating"
Is that so hard? Apprarently it is for the millions of narcissists who'd rather abuse/manipulate/gaslight people they KNOW are too good for them. And if you leave it triggers them and suddenly they're all over you. I'm so done.
[–]BasieSkanksFDS Disciple[S] 13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m so sorry to hear you went through that. It seems like your ex, like so many men, want all the benefits of a romantic partner without putting in any of the effort.
I actually had this same conversation with a guy I had been seeing since mid-February. His communication dropped off massively due to the Coronavirus as his industry and country is badly affected. He said that he completely understands my need for more communication, but that he isn’t currently in a position to give it due to what’s going on. Once this is over, we can then discuss it. I really applaud him for being honest. He could have just done what so many men usually do and make out like it’s asking for too much.
[–]2340000FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Exactly. Honesty is always appreciated. DARVO is only used for guys with low emotional intelligence.
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Is that so hard?
It's not that he couldn't do it, it's that he didn't want to. The abuse wasn't a mistake, it was intentional. What you experienced wasn't a relationship but abuse cloaked as a relationship. It's why narcissistic abuse is so insidious and takes us time to unpack.
[–]2340000FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
It's really scary. But that's literally the majority of men. Most of what men do is intentional abuse. Sometimes I can't even make sense of it. Everyone knows the difference between someone they're genuinely interested in in and someone who they aren't.
Men will know they don't really like you, but choose to emotional abuse you ensuring you don't leave until they're ready to discard you. How hard is it to make a choice to not abuse someone you don't like. I've had guys who were "available" to me, but not once did I consider manipulating them for my benefit.
What irritates me the most is these same narcissistic guys will suddenly feel burnt out by 40. And we magically believe they've changed because they're married now🙄...
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
How hard is it to make a choice to not abuse someone you don't like.
Sadly, that's exactly what I'm getting at above: the abuse is the whole point! Once you really understand this, your mind will be blown.
We waste so much time trying to understand abusers, because to us, the abuse is unfathomable, because we're good people who don't intentionally hurt anybody. If we do hurt someone, it's an accident, and we stop doing it ASAP and try to make amends.
So we look at the abuser and think, how can he not understand what he's doing?? Isn't is obvious he's hurting me??
And why doesn't he stop doing it? Haven't we already been through this over and over again?
And even when we finally realize their behavior is intentional, we still think it's because for some reason, it must be too hard for them to refrain from abusing us. That these guys struggle with this for some reason.
NO. They don't struggle at all! It's more than just saying, "Abuse is a choice." Abusers actively enjoy abusing.
It's the reason they get up in the morning. The abuse is not a feature or a bug, the abuse is the whole reason they're attracted to you in the first place - not for a relationship, but for somebody to control, somebody to hurt, somebody to make them feel powerful.
Abusers can't relate to women as equals, so a relationship is impossible. Real relationships are about sharing and supporting each other. You can't do that with someone you view as yours to control and dominate.
That's what I mean when I say abuse isn't a relationship, it's abuse cloaked as a relationship, and that the abuse is never a mistake. The abuse was the point.
[–]TheOGJammiesRuthless Strategist47 points48 points49 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Men spend a lifetime trying to convince or bully us into thinking otherwise
[–]the_dharmainitiativeFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
My ex told me I would only find junkies and losers. Bold of him, because he was himself a loser and a junkie - if I may call a porn addict a junkie.
[–]Ink3dmama21 points22 points23 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
My ex husband repeatedly told me through our marriage that I couldn’t leave him because no one else would ever love me or “put up with my shit.” He also always said that all the issues on our marriage (including him being alcoholic) were my fault and that even if left I would still be miserable and I’d ruin any relationship I had. I finally took my kids and left his worthless ass after 15 years and guess what? I’m engaged and have spent the last 3.5 years in a very healthy, happy, and stable relationship with a man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Meanwhile my ex is single yet again with a slew of ex girlfriends and shitty relationships under his belt.
It’s almost like I wasn’t the problem to begin with.
[–]the_dharmainitiativeFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I am happy for you! Congratulations on leveling up! Your children must be happier now too.
[–]Ink3dmama2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh yes, the absolutely are! And all four of them, including my 18yo, adore my fiancé and have a great relationship with him. Just makes it all that much better.
[–]gursky0FDS Apprentice18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
If you're not getting what you want out of a relationship, you need to walk away. You will never get it from him. Asking him to treat you with care and respect, again and again and again, won't change anything. Wish I'd learned this a year ago.
[–]BasieSkanksFDS Disciple[S] 10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's much easier to get a new man to treat you the way you want to be treated than to try and teach an old dog new tricks. Don't beat yourself up for learning it sooner - the main thing is you know what to look out for now.
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[–]2340000FDS Disciple34 points35 points36 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]BasieSkanksFDS Disciple[S] 13 points14 points15 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]2340000FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]2340000FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]TheOGJammiesRuthless Strategist47 points48 points49 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]the_dharmainitiativeFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ink3dmama21 points22 points23 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]the_dharmainitiativeFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Ink3dmama2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]gursky0FDS Apprentice18 points19 points20 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]BasieSkanksFDS Disciple[S] 10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link