I made a post on the LDR sub yesterday to caution and hopefully save other women. My abuser found a new victim and I hope by some miracle it finds her. I decided I also want to share my story here with a slightly different take.

A little background of me, I always had similar views on dating to FDS due to my grandmother. I never planned on dating anyone exclusively until engagement. I grew up in a sometimes abusive household with a narcissistic father and mom who came from a bad home and married young. Her pedophile is still at extended family gatherings. My parents tend to blame rape on the woman. My own brother has choked me and threatened to kill me. This is a cautionary tell of how I fell into an abusive relationship out of naivety and maybe family trauma.

About a year and a half ago, I met a man on reddit about my age. We began talking and he pretended to be everything I ever wanted in a partner. He love bombed me to the extreme but at the time I didn't know how bad that was. He went to one of the best schools in the world and pretended to have the same goals and beliefs in life as me. I sent I'm a snapchat once at the beach but without thinking my bandeau was out of the picture so you couldn't tell I was clothed. He pressured me for nudes (terrible mistake) and made vague threats if I didn't follow through. I was in a bad mind-space as I had been assaulted 6 times during the previous year. My one big warning sign was he blamed my previous assaults on me. He flew to my country to meet me and we had planned a road trip. I had lost interest and only went to clear his phone of these photos. Our first day together, he raped me and carried me to the shower to wash away the evidence. He followed me to the car when I was wanting to call the police and I felt forced into the road trip because if he was willing to rape a stranger, I was afraid he would hurt me more. He took unconsensual videos and I felt I was trapped with him. He blackmailed me into moving in with him a few months later. At the time I felt I had no options as I was a recent graduate with nowhere really to go and he had control because of the videos. I still had hope maybe he would be the man he claimed to be. The abuse got worse and lies began to unravel. The smallest things would make him so angry and he controlled every aspect of my life. I was lucky I was able to get a voice recording of him admitting to raping me months later but I was trapped in this mess for almost a year before I was able to find a way out safely. In the recording he says many things like he didn't believe my many no's were hard no's. I physically tried to push him off but was unable. He lied on many trivial matters and was incredibly controlling. He deleted my social media and isolated me and tried to make it so I didn't have money to leave. He had told me I was his first girlfriend and his web of lies completely unraveled when I learned I had contracted an STD and contacted one of his old friends who helped me immensely. I had realized before his stories didn't add up but didn't realize how much one person could hide. He proposed and had full support of my family despite all that had happened. That no was the best no I have ever said. I have been doing intensive therapy including EMDR and have bad PTSD. It sucked to wake up to nightmares of rape or abuse when the person is right beside you in bed. Despite all, I tried to be his version of a the perfect girlfriend which was really a voiceless bangmaid. I believe I was able to delete all of the photos and videos before I left. He has tried writing to my parents house but is blocked. I heard a few days ago he has a new girlfriend. A girl he flew from another country to meet him and I am afraid he did the same to her. The few details I know sound so similar to what happened to me. Unfortunately, my hearing with the DA for my rape is backed up and all I wanted to do was save another woman. I don't believe there is true justice in such situation but it sickens me it's so hard to get a man off the streets who has done something so heinous. I wish I had a way to find her and warn her. This sub has been a great place for me for healing.

Lessons:

  1. Never ever send any sort of compromising photos and follow the handbook. It's true.

  2. People don't change. I only ever met a monster not the man of the letters and from online. I stayed hoping someday I would meet the man he once pretended to be.

  3. Cut your losses early. Although my view has changed, sex was equivalent to marriage in my mind. Even the videos of my rapes being released would've been better than trauma I had to endure. No matter what you have given up, you can only lose more if you stay.

  4. There are a lot more misogynistic people in your life than you'll realize. Some old friends defended my rapist as they said he seemed nice and probably made a mistake. They aren't your friends.

  5. Everyone can be nice sometimes. I developed a huge trauma bond and although he was a monster there are parts I miss and loved of him. Those weren't who he is and I have to remind myself that.

  6. Unfortunately stories like this are way too common and many people sympathize. I remember the kind and worried looks from strangers when he'd make me cry in public. I've talked to so many women with trauma like mine.

  7. I still have a lot of regret for times I lashed out at him but I have realized they were trauma reactions and he pushed me to them. We tend to project our good nature on others whereas abusers blame shift to us.

  8. Sick people are sick. A week or two before I was finally able to leave, I found a note on his phone saying he hadn't found me attractive since the day raped me and I was worthless like his other exes. The only times I remember him calling me sexy, I was hysterical. Run at the first sign of sickness.

I almost married my rapist as I felt I had no choice. I lost my self worth and identity and have worked hard to build it back up. Don't let that be you. If you grew up in an at all abnormal household please do therapy to to try to understand normal human behavior before you consider a relationship. I am conventionally attractive and have been on many, many dates in my life but I still fell victim to the tricks of a bad man. Read "Why does he do that" and the other books mentioned on this sub to learn signs of abuse.

I wanted stability through a man and the unconditional love I had dreamed of but I have learned you can only provide that to yourself.