I love my friends. I can be honest with my brothers about the insecurities that follow me around, ones that are quite common among the vast majority of people in general-- not just men.

My group of friends is exceptionally understanding-- we frequently tell each other that we love each other. None of that "no homo" shit. We do truly all love each other in a platonic way and prop each other up. I'm lucky to have a friend group that isn't characterized by that toxic masculinity.

There have been more than a few instances where I've opened up about my previous depressive episodes to long-term relationship partners. My depressive episodes were severe. All of them feigned open-mindedness and vulnerability, only to claim that they were exhausted from doing emotional labor. The thing is... nothing about me changed. I never demanded that they try to attempt to cure my issues. I think they felt a visceral "ick" when their image of me as a vivacious soul was utterly smashed.

I will never forget the time when my former partner blamed me for leaving a dinner with her friends early when one of my friends had died recently. I said that I was feeling quite understandably sad. I did not want to interrupt the gathering with her friends, so I told her to enjoy her night and went home. She called me the next day in tears and blamed me for making her feel guilty and stressed. She said that she was exhausted of hearing about my dead friend, that she didn't want to listen anymore (we had barely talked about this situation-- I had only mentioned it once prior to the dinner).

When we eventually separated, to her credit, she apologized for her behavior. That said, this was really fucked up.

Every time a woman I'm dating tells me that they couldn't date someone who doesn't open up, there is a supreme irony because they are currently dating me-- a person who hasn't opened up because I know there is a decent chance that they will rationalize it as a defect in my soul. Fuck. That.

Women often select for confident, invulnerable men. If a man shows his vulnerability with the current set of gender norms, there must be something defective about him. If all the men in the world are trying their best to project strength and masculinity, and it appears that you do not meet those standards when you're at your best, then the you at your average is probably pathetic. From the perspective of women, men have it all, so there are effectively no excuses not to be absolutely crushing it in life.

This is such an incredibly toxic way of thinking. And the thing is that... it's not intentional nor malicious. People cannot control what they are attracted to. Humans of all genders and stripes are biological creatures. We terrify each other. And we can be remarkably kind to one another. We are ravenous beasts and caressing tender forces.

That said, this lack of control over our desire does not render us immune to judgment. It is our responsibility as men and women to interrogate our desires and not just reduce them to individual preferences-- the latter is a coward's way out.