Im a total loner beacuse of my father. I backed out of any social life in fear of being laughed at. Not only is that fucker a arrogant, virtue signalling 18 year old (mentally it seems) in the skin of a old man, I also noticed he puts a "mask" of a normal, bit stupid, wholehearted man on himself whenever he's with someone who stayed a supposed friend of his. This mask slips when he's drunk or high (im not trying to demonize either, my brother drinks to drown out sadness and i'd be way worse with me by this point if not for him).

He's absolutely impossible to convince to change and if challanged that he's a total fucking retard he'll cleanly excuse his way out of the conversation. I drive a dogshit dollar store ass looking supermarket bike to my shit school where im crushed by the weight of the incredible patology ridden shithole a polish high school is beacuse he somehow convinced himself that it's "German Engineering" beacuse it has some german writing on it and after i proved to him that it's dogshit assembled by some chinese kid in a sweatshop he just ignored it. I also dragged out of my mother the fact that he confessed to her that he was supposedly abused by his mother but when she asked him about that a few years into the marriage he denied all of this. I don't actually think that's bullshit he tries to make himself a victim with beacuse he's a cold hard atheist (the kind of atheist you'd find on r/.atheism) and my grandma whom i also hate (i wait for that bitch to die) is a lifelong catholic, who by the decree of god "beat him and told him he's a scoundrel of the family" for not going to church.

On the topic of this cursed marriage, (besides casual mental abuse of my alcoholic mother) I had him come up to me and tell me with a straight face (a bit skewed beacuse he was drunk, of course) that i better be choosing who to stay with beacuse they're divorcing and if i won't stay with him i'll have no place here to come back, i just turned on my emotionless persona i need to hold in order to survive and waited it out until he left my room but i was dying inside the whole time.

The fear of becoming someone like him and shaming myself like that drives me fucking insane. I lost the few friendships i still held and became extremely vulnerable under my own mask of emotionlessness. I can spend a day in my bed barely even moving beacuse the internet isn't enough drown out the sadness anymore. I got into porn relatively early and now im an addict but im also a jaded sack of shit and any kind of emotional stimulation at this point is welcome.